And of course, where would I be without Kelly? Well I'd be right where I am, except I wouldn't be posting and listening to the phone ring while I do it. I also know for damn sure without her friendship, my life wouldn't be half as fun as it is now. But seriously guys, when it comes to me, don't encourage her. She's the devil.

-Bobbi Manuel

Whatever It Takes

Chapter One

The knock on my front door threw me completely. Nobody, and I mean nobody, ever comes here. I don’t allow it.

Sure I’ve got friends, some sexual and some non, but none of them ever gets so much as the hint of an invite. This place is mine. I feel safe here, and no way do I want someone screwing that all up for me. Well first time for everything though, ‘cause obviously some asshole wasn’t following my rules.

I went to the door planning to tear them a new one for their efforts. Didn’t much care if they were selling something, needing directions, or were just some whining little kid wanting help to go on their lame ass school trip. Whoever the fuck it was they weren’t welcome, and I was gonna get that point across in the strongest way possible.

Looking as tough and mean as I could, which when it comes to me is pretty fucking tough and mean, I snatched open the door. There stood Willow, and what that meant hit me hard. My legs almost buckled under me, and I think I made some kinda noise like a whimper.

I’d been waiting for this day, always hoping with everything that I had that I’d be dead before it came. Well no luck there ‘cause here it was, it’d come right to my house. All I could do was stand so still it musta looked like I was frozen. My heart was moving though, tearing itself into jagged pieces I could feel cutting into me while I fought to hang on.

“She dead?”

“No, but she will be. We need your help.”

The relief shot through me, but I think I covered pretty good.

“Red Cross office a few blocks that way. Not running a service here for anybody.”

She already looked desperate, but somehow she was able to ramp it up:

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have to be.”

“Wow, still tossing them compliments my way. Always did have a knack when it came to me. Good to see ya ain’t lost it.”

“There’s no one else.”

She made this little move like she thought she was coming in, but no way was I letting that happen. I stayed firmly planted in the doorway.

“What’s it been now, little over five years?”

Like we both didn’t know I knew right down to the goddamn minute. Least she played along with me.

“Yes.”

“Well hell, feel free to drop by whenever the fuck ya want. Not like I got anything of my own going on. Nope, just been sittin’ here waiting to get asked.”

She didn’t back up an inch, even though she looked pretty guilty.

“I understand this isn’t fair...”

“Ya think?”

“…but I also understand it has to be you.”

I couldn’t stop the bitterness from flying out. It dripped offa every word I said, and there was fuck all I could do about it:

“And how ya figure that? Not only have I never been needed, I sure as hell have never been wanted either. Let ya in on a little secret Red, all these years away have given me some perspective, and I can tell ya right now I’m not interested in playing low class Slayer anymore. Fact is, I’m not interested in any of this. Just turn your ass right the fuck around and don’t ever come back. There’s nothing here for any of you, and you’re wastin’ my time.”

Willow’s eyes met mine, and she wasn’t budging.

“She’s still the love of your life.”

I laughed because I had to.

“You smoking the magic herbs now? I got no ‘love of my life’. Most I get’s the occasional ‘screw of my life’, and even those are far and few between. Look, I’m living out my time here in Minnesota, and last I checked that puts me nowhere near The Slayer. That’s not an accident.”

“She’s in trouble.”

“Yeah? Then help her. Or get Giles or Angel or Xander or Spike or Dawn to. Fuck, try the freakin’ Yellow Pages if ya wanna. But I don’t ride to the rescue anymore, got enough trouble trying to make it to my own.”

She looked like she was gonna bawl.

“Spike......Spike is dead. Angel tried, so did Giles and Dawnie. They all gave up. Dawn lives with Giles now in England, and Angel stays in L.A.. There’s just me and Xander, and we don’t know how to reach her.”

I was shocked, but no way was I getting sucked in:

“So ya come here? Christ Willow, I can’t reach her. I never could.”

“There’s no one else.”

“Better be or she’s lookin’ at the end of the line. That’s for you to deal with. Me? Got this nice little life going here in the frozen Midwest. Think I’ll hang onto it.”

“She needs you.”

I made a noise that could only be called a snort:

“She’s never needed me. Best I can do is wish ya luck.”

“You’re going to have to do a lot more than that.”

I rubbed my hand over my face, which is what I always do when I’m trying not to punch somebody.

“Fuck, how’d ya find me anyways? Far as I know ya still don’t know my last name, I got no paper trail, and I paid big to dodge any locator spells. Which is it, I make some dumb mistake or get ripped off?”

“Neither. I got around the barriers.”

“Cool…Hey, mind telling me how to stop ya from doing that? See I’m guessing you’re gonna make me pull up stakes again, and I’m not sure how many more fucking times I can start all over.”

“You can’t stop me, I’m too powerful now.”

Anybody else and that’d be bragging. Not Willow though, she wasn’t set up like that. All she was doing was saying the truth.

“Just terrific…Look, this ain’t the Army. I’m out, I been out, and I sure as shit am stayin’ out. Know you’re scared, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. I get that and I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Just let it go and find somebody else.”

“I told you, there isn’t anyone else. It has to be you, for a whole bunch of reasons.”

That was it, I’d had enough. I made myself look all hard and scary, just like old times:

“Alright, what’s it gonna take? We gotta throw down? Was hoping to avoid that ‘cause I just got the place like I like it, and no way do I wanna bust it all up. Maybe there’s some other way we can handle this…Hey, I got an idea: how ‘bout you have a little bit of respect for me as a person, take ‘no’ for an answer, and get the fuck outta here?”

She wasn’t scared at all, and she wasn’t even thinking of moving.

“She needs you. Not me, not Angel, not Giles, not Xander, not Dawn, not anyone else we might be able to come up with. I’m sorry, I truly am, but this is what it’s come down to. She needs you and she needs you right now. If you don’t come back with me, she’s not going to make it.”

“And that’s my problem how?”

“It’s your problem because she’s Buffy and you love her.”

I just stood there, ready to close the door in her face.

“I’m begging you, you have to help her. You’re the only one who can, please don’t turn away from her. She needs you.”

Shit......I stepped back and let her in:

“Gimme fifteen minutes to grab my gear. Got some cash in the wall, oughta tide me over for however long this goes.”

“Thank you, Faith.”

“Fuck you, Willow.”

***************

Two hours and forty-eight minutes after the knock on my door, I was knocking back tiny whiskeys about 30,000 feet up in the air. I was letting myself get hauled back to the sunny West Coast…Fuck it lady, just leave the cart ‘cause I’m gonna need about a thousand little bottles if I’m gonna face what’s waiting for me in California.

Guess it’s more a “who’s” waiting kinda deal. Red had finally given up talking to me about an hour ago. She seemed pretty big with the understanding, course she could afford to be understanding since she was getting her way. I was struggling to get a handle on the anger and the fear I was feeling; I was nuts to be doing what I was doing.

I’d finally managed to hit a good place in my life. I’d found a tiny little scrap of peace for myself, and after all this time, no way should I be winging my way back. But here I was, a knight in really dull and banged up armor, riding right into the fire to rescue the fairy princess. Jesus…

“Okay Red, let’s hear it. Make it short and sweet ‘cause I’m countin’ the minutes ‘til I can get my life back. Just wanna know what I need to do to get the fuck outta here.”

She looked upset and concerned. Guess she wasn’t all that happy with my attitude, but she knew as shitty as it was, it was more than she had a right to. Red’s smart, just about the smartest person anybody could imagine, and she knew it was lucky I’d come along even this far. She wasn’t gonna kick about shit.

“Okay, I’ll try not to ramble. Do you remember how I kinda ramble or babble whenever I get nervous? I was always hoping when I got older, more mature I mean, that it would get better or maybe even go away like acne usually does. Although I shouldn’t really complain because I think bad skin would bother me a lot more than…”

I turned in my seat to face her, and I felt like I was dizzy and my head was spinning.

“Jesus, stop with the demo already. I remember.”

She went red, all embarrassed at how fast she’d lost it.

“Goddess…Okay, sorry.”

She sucked in a huge breath and let it back out real slow. It seemed to help her, at least her eyes looked less wild.

“Okay…You know we live just outside of San Diego?”

“Yeah, going on three years now. Soulboy gave me the info. Hellmouth sprung a leak, B went to keep an eye on it, and you Scoobies tagged with her as usual. Other Slayers lost the mojo four years ago and went back to being just regular girls again, life rolls on.”

“Well there’s more to it, but that’s the gist for sure.”

“Great, move on.”

Willow looked all kinds of tense and sad, but she plowed ahead with the big story:

“About ten months ago, a situation happened. Buffy had to choose between Spike and Dawn. She chose Dawn.”

She was teary now, great. Nothing like being stuck on a plane with a bawling chick.

“That when Spike died?”

“Yes. He…He made her let go of him to save Dawn. He…I’m sorry, it’s still so hard to accept…”

“Sounds rough. Bet B didn’t deal too well, always did have trouble with the guilt thing. Takes everything on herself, fair or not.”

Willow had control of herself again, for the minute.

“And that’s exactly what she did. It kind of triggered what we’re dealing with now.”

“Which is?”

“Buffy’s…Buffy isn’t Buffy.”

And that was it, like she’d summed up the sitch just right. Yeah cool, but I needed more.

“Not gonna play ‘Twenty Questions’. Just spit it out.”

“…She’s hard and mean, I guess that’s the best way to put it. She drinks, takes drugs, sleeps around, and she kills and enjoys it. She’s sliding down into the darkness and none of us can stop her.”

I sat there and just stared at her because as much as I’d been thinking it was gonna be something like what she’d said, well she was talking about Buffy.

“I think she wants to…to die before she gets there, but so far nothing’s been able to beat her. Her luck’s not going to hold forever though, and she reminds me of…”

“Yeah, I got it. She reminds you of the old me.”

“Yes.”

I asked the stewardess, fuck if I’m going all “flight attendant”, for some more alcohol. She just stood there wondering where the hell I was putting it all, trying to figure out if she should cut me off.

Wasn’t in the mood to try and explain my special metabolism to her, so I just gave it to her straight:

“Honey, I’m nowhere near drunk. What I am is gettin’ a shitload of bad news, and I gotta have something to get me through it. We can do booze or I can induct everybody on this flying tin can into the ‘Mile High Club’. Your choice.”

She brought back three bottles, and I poured’em into a plastic cup. I took a sip, then another before I felt like I could face Willow.

“How’d it get up and running? Just what the hell were all of you doing?”

“Not paying attention, believing her lies. At first we thought it was just her grief over Spike, and some of it was. She didn’t love him liked he loved her, but what they had was special and they were incredibly close.”

Yeah well, not like I needed anybody to tell me that. I knew B, I knew what she felt for him, and it had to tear her up when she lost him.

“Two days before he died, he came to me saying he was all worried about her. He told me something was wrong, that it’d been building for a long time, and he was scared she was right on the edge. We didn’t really get a chance to talk, and then he was gone.”

“Makes sense he’d notice. Guy was smart and definitely knew his way around her dark side.”

She stared out the window for a few, and I didn’t push. This was some rough stuff and she looked like she was talking outta turn, like she was spilling all of B’s secrets like some piece of shit friend.

“It hurt her so much when he died, but it turns out that wasn’t the problem, it was just the thing that made her finally stop fighting. The real problem got started a long time ago, it’s so obvious to me now, but back then I just didn’t get it. It started right in front of me and I missed it completely.”

“Well? Knock off the dramatic pauses. What the hell pushed her?”

“…You left.”

I snagged the stewardess again:

“Keep it coming. Hide it in a Coke can if ya gotta, but I’m not kiddin’ when I say I need it.”

She must have seen something in my eyes because it wasn’t more than a minute before I had my “Coke” in my hand. I knocked back a big ass slug and it burned all the way down. I chased that with another huge sip of pure fire. Why the fuck was this happening to me?

“Faith, I’m sorry. I…”

“Sure is great. Something else in beautiful Cali that’s all on me. Got some kinda law that says I get the blame whether I deserve it or not? Some rule that says I always gotta be the bad guy every fucking time? Jesus!”

Red didn’t know what to say, who the hell would? Finally I heard her clearing her throat, she was gonna give it a shot:

“She felt alone when you left, like she was back to being one of a kind. She felt like it was all on her again, and I guess it was. She’d been hoping you guys would maybe reach a new understanding…She wanted you to stay.”

“Sure woulda been nice if I’da known that. Don’t remember any big heartfelts, don’t think I missed any little ones either. Soon as The First got its ass stuffed back into its hole, B took us right back to the good old days.”

I had to laugh, but it was nothing but bitter.

“Was ‘Buffy the all powerful, all righteous Slayer’, and me the piss poor, fucked up substitute. I wasn’t anything to her, not a slaying partner, not a friend either.”

The anger and hurt were just surging right to the top, and it was a struggle not to let them just blow out and do whatever damage they wanted to do.

“She still didn’t trust me, wouldn’t let me in even one fucking inch. I got tired of being reminded every goddamned day of what I’d ruined and could never make right. ‘Sides, there’s nobody else who’d have stuck as long as I did.”

“I know that.”

We sat for awhile and when I started up again, I could barely get above a whisper:

“Not all on her. I was never aboveboard, figured too much shit had gone down to ever fix anything. Got so I couldn’t stay with her when I knew how little I meant to her, it hurt too much…and it was killing me. I didn’t wanna leave her Willow, but I had to.”

“I know. I knew how you felt about her and I should have…”

“Whoa hang on now, I’m a big girl with a mouth of my own. Never tried using it, not in any of the ways I know how. Nobody’s fault but my own. I shoulda told her, but I pussied out just about as big as ya can.”

We went back to that silent thing we were now experts at, both caught up in our own thoughts. Couldn’t hang there long, we still had to talk, so I just told her what I was thinking:

“Man, fear’s a big fuckin’ bitch, yeah?”

She smiled at me:

“Yep, the very biggest.”

The stewardess brought me another “Coke” when she saw me crush my empty can. Say what ya wanna, even if the skies aren’t so friendly anymore, they sure as fuck are heads-up.

“Okay then, what’s the sitch? She still living with you?”

“Technically, yes. I mean, her stuff’s all still at the house, and she sleeps there whenever she sleeps. But she’s been going longer and longer stretches of not being there.”

“When did the drinking and drugging grab on?”

Her face scrunched up as she tried to remember:

“The best guess is about eight or nine months ago. It’s been completely out in the open for almost six months, so has her…sex life. It’s like she doesn’t care if we know, like she enjoys throwing it in our faces every chance…”

“She does, and ya don’t need to keep explaining. Remember the mindset all too well, know right where she’s at…Listen, ya did the right thing for B when ya came and got me.”

Her face was all sympathetic again, and her hand squeezed my arm:

“It’s not the right thing for you though, is it?”

“No it’s not, but fuck it. Ya hit the nail right on the head before.”

“But what about…”

“Shakes out real simple here, Red. She’s Buffy, and nothing matters to me more than that. Just how it is.”

Chapter Two

So here I am, just sitting quietly with Red in her car. Yep, just sitting scared shitless in front of the house B lives in, with Red getting ten kinds of antsy while she tries her best not to rush me. She thinks B’s not home, so I finally give her the 411:

“She’s in there. Just need a couple more to get ready.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Can feel her. Slayer bond.”

She looked more than a little surprised.

“Oh. Can she feel…”

“Doubt it. Drugs kinda muffle it.”

Red gave me this smile that made her look like she was gonna puke, but hey, big points for effort.

“Maybe she’s going to be happy to see you.”

“Maybe, but that won’t matter. She’s gonna attack me, nothing else she can do. I’m thinking you should just split because whatever she’s gonna let me have, it’s bound to spill over on whoever’s with me. Factor in it was you who brought me here, well she’s not gonna be happy with you in any kinda way.”

She sat up straighter then, her face getting all determined:

“Faith, I’ve got no illusions. I know how horrible she can be.”

“…Guess you got a point, but it’s gonna get rough and I’m gonna get rough right back. You can’t argue with me in front of her, gotta follow my lead. I didn’t ask for this, but now that I’m here, I’m gonna do whatever it takes. I been right where she is, and there’s no way out without a shitload of pain. You can’t handle that, ya need to take me back to the airport. Won’t be any hard feelings, I’ll understand.”

To her credit, she didn’t answer right away. She sat there staring at the house, then she turned to look at me:

“No, I’m okay. I’ll follow your lead.”

“You sure, Willow? Not gonna be pleasant.”

“I’m sure. Please Faith, you have to help her.”

Yeah, but way easier said than done.

I really wanted to be home checking out the new DVD set I’d just sprung for. That little Cartman bastard always cracks me up…Yeah, I was cracked up all right. I was an insane fucking idiot, is what I was.

I got a damn near perfect chair at home and the softest blanket ever made. Gettin’ a big screen TV next year if everything goes right…Yeah, I know. Nothing about that life is ever gonna go right again, and hiding out in a car isn’t gonna do a thing to change that.

“…No time like the present, you ready?”

We went into the house and my Slayer sense just started screaming at me that Buffy was right here, right where I was.

I could feel the years just fading away, taking with them all of the independence I’d fought so hard for. Everything I’d ever felt for her came roaring back, and my whole body, every cell, was crying out for her.

I had to concentrate just to breathe…Oh man, I was gonna get nailed.

“Will, is that you? I need some cash. Last night’s just a blur, and I have no idea where I left my…”

She came around the corner into the foyer and then stopped cold. I saw shock and something that looked like happiness flash across her face, but that all got covered up really quick.

She just stood there looking harder than I ever would have thought possible, and I wanted to start bawling my head off. She was in so much fucking pain, I could barely stand it.

“B.”

“Faith…Well, to what do we owe this great big honor?”

Red jumped in, trying to make everything as normal as she could:

“I asked her to come, Buffy. I just…”

“What? Wanted to make sure the replacement Slayer was close by when I finally went down? I guess it’s good news in a way, I mean you’re obviously planning on letting my body stay cold this time.”

“…I…I just thought we needed her.”

“For what exactly? I mean if you need somebody fucked or murdered, all you have to do is ask. I’m sure I can handle it.”

Willow looked scared, so I decided to step in:

“Hey Red, think maybe you could go grab us some food?”

“…I guess.”

“That’d be good. Thanks.”

She hesitated, all uncertain as her eyes flicked between me and B:

“Are you sure?”

“Oh she’s sure Will, she’s all mature and forceful now. Why don’t you be Faith’s good little bitch, and go fetch our food? Take your time and let us Slayers get all reacquainted.”

Fuck, this was something. Willow looked hurt and even more scared than she had been, but I guess it clicked that this was what I’d been talking about in the car. She took off without another word, leaving me and B standing there in a big stare down.

B broke first, but it didn’t feel like I’d won anything. She headed into the front room and I followed her in, just hoping I could make it through whatever the fuck was coming. It was easy to see there were no guarantees anywhere near.

I sat down in a chair facing the couch, and B went and leaned against the fireplace. The room was nice and cozy, the kinda place you’d go if you really wanted to relax. Nobody was doing it any justice as we sat in silence, or when B got it rolling:

“So, this is all that’s left of the cavalry?”

“Yeah, guess you blew through everybody else.”

She laughed but nothing was funny, and it didn’t sound like she thought it was either.

“Well if you’re it, it looks like I’m not going to be saved.”

“Real long shot for sure, but sometimes they payoff.”

“You never have though, not even close.”

Oh yeah, this version of B wasn’t gonna pull any punches. Terrific.

“…People change B, look in a mirror. And hey while you’re lookin’, why don’t ya try and figure out if it’s for better or worse.”

“And she comes out swinging! Gee, aren’t you even going to pretend to play nice?”

“Give what I get. Don’t see the point in pretending I’m gonna be welcome anytime soon. Be a nice surprise, but not holdin’ my breath.”

B was just standing there, her body showing me nothing but casual, but I knew better.

“You don’t belong here, you never did. If you’re planning to ‘help’, I don’t need it, and you couldn’t provide it if I did. Do us all a huge favor and leave.”

“Not too sure who ‘us’ is. Case you didn’t notice, you’re down to Willow and Xander now.”

“And what? I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel and getting you? That’s not too encouraging.”

“Need encouragement, do ya?”

Her eyes flashed pissed then, but she stamped it down.

“No, I need you to get the fuck out of here.”

“Yeah? Well seems like staying could be fun. Think I’m just gonna stick, see where it goes.”

We did some more staring for a bit, then B spoke up:

“You look good. Of course, looks never were your problem.”

“Yeah, always been one hot babe.”

“What, no return compliment?”

I didn’t know where we were heading, but I wasn’t kowtowing to anybody.

“Well ya used to be hot too B, now ya just look like shit.”

“Really?”

“Figure honesty’s the best way to go here.”

“I agree. So I look like shit to you then?”

I didn’t like the light I could see shining in her eyes, but nothing could have ever prepared me for what was about to happen.

“Listen, just looks like you haven’t been taking care of yourself.”

“Hmm…Would you like to?”

“What?”

Buffy had eased closer while we were talking, and before I knew what was going on, she was straddling me. Her arms wrapped around my neck, and she began playing with the hair she found back there. I tried to stand up, but she pushed me down with her body and grabbed a handful of my hair, pulling my head back and to the side.

Before I could say a word, she began kissing and licking her way along my neck and jaw, and just like that I was in trouble. She worked her way up to my ear, and when she finally got there, she breathed into it until a shudder went through me.

“Don’t leave F, we’re just getting started…So tell me, do I feel like shit too?”

There was no way I could stop the moan that escaped, and I heard and felt her laugh. I was breathing like I was running for my life, and I guess in a way I was.

She started up with this slow, sexy grinding motion on me, and her mouth got busy again. Her breasts were rubbing against mine, and I felt myself turning into mush. My eyes rolled back in my head, fuck I was losing it.

I tried to get up again, and this time her hand went around my neck and squeezed way too tight. She pushed me back hard and held me there while her body kept moving against me.

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me before…I said ‘stay’.”

The pressure eased, and her hand trailed down to my breast. I moaned louder this time, and I started shivering like I had a wicked fever. I was trying to get control of myself, but then her lips were back at my ear, her voice all soft and sexy:

“Mmm…Faith…isn’t this what you really came back for?”

Her tongue was tracing all around my ear, her lips nibbling at every sensitive spot I had.

“I know for sure it’s what you’ve always…wanted from me.”

I don’t even know the right words to describe the things she was doing to me. I was on fire, my whole body was shaking, and I was more turned on than I’d ever been in my life.

“Well here I am…all ready and…willing. Still want me, F?”

She bit down hard on my neck, and my desire increased by about a billion when I felt her tongue gliding over the bite. I groaned and brought my arms up around her, and I heard her laugh again as she began moving against me with a little more force.

“Wanna find out…just…how hot I really am?”

I was gone. Totally and completely lost in her, all there was was her. The world had shrunk until all it held for me was her touch, her smell, her voice. She was going to have her way with me, and that was all I wanted.

Her tongue, her lips, her hands, her breasts, and that mind-blowing feeling of her moving on me, were now all that mattered. She was doing everything right, and I was caught up in her. God, how many times had I dreamed of this?

And that was what saved me. See, I’ve dreamed of making love with Buffy at least a million times, and you can bet your ass that’s a lowball figure. I’ve dreamed of it in every way possible, over and over and over again, and this right here? This wasn’t any of’em.

This was hate and anger, pure and simple. It was hot, and God it felt so damn good, but it was only gonna hurt me and her in the end. That was what she wanted, and that was what I was here to stop.

I flipped backwards, knocking us and the chair over. The move surprised her, and I was able to throw her off of me. I stood up as fast as I could, but I was way, way shaky. She smiled at me, a mean and vicious kinda smile I could have gone a lifetime without seeing.

“Whoa, now that was a desperate reaction. Something wrong, F? Weren’t you enjoying yourself?”

I couldn’t talk at first. I just stood there all fucked up, wanting nothing more than to go back to what we’d just been doing. The sound of my breathing hung there between us.

“Come on, it’ll be like old times...well except this time around I know just how much you ache for me.”

I actually took a small step towards her before I caught myself.

“I’m right here, all ready and more than willing…Come on F, you know I can give you what you’ve always wanted.”

I looked at her eyes and everything I saw in them brought me right back to reality:

“Seems that way, but don’t think it really is. Looks like it’s something else to me, something mean and dirty. Know for sure it’s nothing I ever want with you.”

“Really? Why don’t we check on that again?”

“No, we’re all done with that. Only thing that’ll lead to is me knocking you on your ass.”

She smiled all pretty and enticing:

“What’s the big? You want me so much it hurts, well fine. I’m here and I’m offering, let’s have some fun.”

“But fun’s not really involved, is it B? Tell ya what, since you’re the big slut now, I’m gonna play the responsible one.”

“Well that’s a shame. I’ve learned a lot of things since you’ve been gone, and I’d really love to show them to you…all up close and personal.”

“Thanks for the offer, but doesn’t seem like many of’em are worth much.”

She was pissed I was back in control of myself, but we both knew there were other games to play, other ways to go about hurting someone.

“Oh, I get it, you’re all high and mighty now. Planning to play judge and jury with me? Come on Faith, we both know I could live to be a hundred and never commit half the sins you did.”

“Way you’re going, you’ll be lucky to last six months.”

“If that’s how it goes, then that’s how it goes.”

“Can promise you right now that’s not how it’s gonna go.”

She put her hand against her chest, and started fluttering her eyes like some dimwit in distress:

“Faith, are you going to save little old me? Oh be still my heart, the bad Slayer’s here to save the day!”

“Buffy, listen to me. No matter what you think, this isn’t you. You’re lost, you’re fucked up, and you’re in a lotta pain. Right now all that makes you feel better is sharing that pain, but that won’t work forever. You’re not going down this path anymore, it stops right here.”

“Wow, nice speech. There’s a big flaw in it though.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. See, I’m not in pain. I like my life, it’s fun and it feels good. I do what I want when I want and no one, especially not you, can do a fucking thing about it.”

She had that mean little smile back on her face, and I braced myself for what was coming.

“Did you forget what you are? Well let me help you remember: You Faith, are a fucked up nothing. You’ve never done anything worth anything, and you’ve got absolutely nothing to offer, especially not to me.”

It made my stomach clench to see how much she was enjoying herself.

“So you think your crappy worthless life gives you some kind of insight into mine? How could it? Let’s see how close I can come…You’ve got yourself a secluded little place and an honest little job that pays the bills. A few “friends” that you keep at a safe distance so they’ll never know the real you. Sex only when you have to, slaying because it’s your way of doing good. Always fighting to stay in control even though you wanna go all wild, because you’re so terrified of slipping back into the darkness. How am I doing?”

I just stood there looking at her. This was Buffy, and it broke my heart.

“You think a few years on the straight and narrow makes you qualified to teach me the “right” way to live? What a joke. You aren’t living, you’re hiding like the coward you’ve always been. Why Willow thought you could do anything…God, you’re about as helpful as dog shit on the bottom of my shoe. Go back to wherever. You’re so pathetic, just the sight of you makes me sick.”

She stood there looking at me, I guess expecting me to bust into tears and haul ass outta there. Yeah well, I had some things to teach her too.

“B, you’re in so much pain you wanna die. Your life’s not fun and it doesn’t feel good, not in any fucking way. It’s a nightmare you can’t see your way outta. But I gotta hand it to ya, you’re right on the money about my life. What ya left out though, is that it’s clean and it’s honorable. I don’t hurt anyone, and I sure as hell don’t make the people who love me watch while I destroy myself.”

Her smile was gone. Now she was pissed, and she couldn’t hide it. I kept on going:

“I was a fucked up nothing, not even gonna try and deny it. But now? Now I’m the person who’s gonna save your ungrateful ass, and why am I gonna do that? I’m gonna do it because you’re Buffy Summers.”

I picked up the chair and sat back down, never once looking away from her eyes.

“Time for you to start saving the world again. It’s a tough job, and it’s just your bad luck nobody else can do it. Know I can’t, I don’t got the ‘whatever’ you gotta have. That’s all yours, always has been, always will be. Whether ya wanna or not, you’re gonna take it back. I gotta shove it down your throat, works for me.”

Her face was red now, and a small chunk of the mantel crumbled to the floor from where she’d been holding onto it.

“It’s on, B…and like it or not, I’m not stopping until you’re back.”

Chapter Three

By the time Willow got back, I’d gotten the tears under control. It was touch and go for a long time, and it seemed real possible I wasn’t gonna be able to stop’em. But I did, and I was okay, or at least I looked like I was.

Guess something must’ve given me away though, ‘cause Red flashed me this look of sympathy the second she saw me. Even took a couple of steps towards me like she was coming in for a hug. I held up a hand to stop her:

“Don’t. I’ll survive.”

She stopped, but she still had that look of sympathy going:

“Are you okay?”

“Can’t claim five by five. More like two by four upside the head. But don’t worry, I’ll shake it off.”

“What did she do to you?”

I sat back down, in a different chair.

“No sense going there. Point is, it’s started and I’m ready. Let’s just focus on getting it done.”

Willow noticed the busted mantel and headed over to the fireplace.

“So where is she?”

“Off to do her version of a temper tantrum.”

She turned to me all surprised and maybe a little pissed or disappointed or something. Whatever it was, she wasn’t looking happy.

“And you just let her go?”

“Uh, Red? She’s all fucked up, but she’s still B. Nobody’s gotta ‘let’ her do shit. Only way to stop her from leaving if she wants to leave, is to fight her from one end of this town to the other.”

I could see she was following me.

“I’ll do that, when the time comes. Right now, seemed best for everybody just to let her go.”

“I get that. I’m sorry, it’s just that…”

“You’re scared and you’re worried, and I’m right there with ya. Think I can help her, that’s the good news. The bad is, it’s not gonna be easy or nice. I’m gonna do what I gotta, and the only guarantee I can give ya is that it’s gonna be ugly.”

“Well it can’t be any uglier than what’s been…”

The doorbell rang, and she kinda jumped outta her skin.

“That’s Xander. I told him you came back with me, and he wanted to be involved in…well, in whatever. Is that okay?”

“Course it is. He’s got more right than me to be here. When it comes to B, Xander’s always owed a spot.”

She was all kinds of relieved, and went to let him in. My nerves started jumping all over the place, and I got to my feet. Always like to face the firing squad standing.

Xander doesn’t like me, and who could blame him? Pop a guy’s cherry, toss him out holding his clothes, then try choking him to death a few weeks later, well it doesn’t exactly inspire the warm and fuzzies. I knew not to expect a big welcome from him, no matter how many years had gone rolling past.

“Faith!”

Next thing, he’s got me wrapped up tight in a bear hug. He didn’t let go for a long time, and when he did, it looked like he was gonna cry. Lots of that making the rounds.

“Thank God you came. Faith…we don’t know what else to do. Have you figured out anything that might work?”

“Got some ideas. Willing to share’em if you guys insist, but was thinking the less you know the better. Might need to spring some surprises on B, and lowers the odds ya might accidentally tip her off if you’re not in the loop.”

“Right, right of course. Thank God you came back…I already said that, didn’t I? Will, could you get me a drink? Something strong enough to kill me would be perfect.”

“Coming right up. The drink, not the murder.”

She went into the kitchen, and Xander collapsed onto the couch looking way exhausted.

“I’m sorry I’m being so stupid. It’s just that I’m so relieved that you’re here.”

I sat down on the other end of the couch, sort of facing him.

“This is rough stuff you been dealing with, and you don’t ever need to explain your feelings when it comes to B. Seen you and Red in action for years, and there’s no better friends in the world.”

“Thanks. It sure doesn’t seem like Buffy feels that way.”

“But she does, it’s part of what makes her so mad. She can’t shake how she feels about you or how you feel about her. Makes it tougher for her to pull all the way clear.”

He looked like he was gonna cry again.

“Can you…Do you think you can help her?”

His hand was grabbing onto my arm as he waited for an answer:

“Yeah, I do. Been all over the ground she’s digging in, so I’m gonna take her shovel away from her. Probably have to bash her in the head with it, but she’s gonna turn it loose.”

“Anything I can do, just tell me and I’ll do it. I’m still good at taking orders.”

“Can tell ya still got them balls of steel too. Definitely gonna be needing you and Red, just have to time it right. First off, it’s gotta be just me and her. Slayer strength’s gonna come into play a lot, at least for awhile.”

“Understood, but if at any point there’s going to be oil or mud involved, I think it’d be best if I supervised.”

He got the reaction he was looking for. I laughed and relaxed, resting my head back against the couch.

“Same old Xander. See ya kept the patch.”

“I was all set to go with the prosthetic, but then I saw a ‘Columbo’ marathon, and that decided me. I don’t want to be the subject of the ‘Which One’s the Real One?’ game. I like to mock, takes all the fun out of it if you’re the mockee.”

“Well I wouldn’t sweat it. Makes ya look sexy as hell.”

“Faith! Goddess, don’t tell him that. His ego will go completely crazy.”

Willow had drinks and sandwiches and chips, and I didn’t wait to be asked.

“It’s not my fault I’m such a sexy guy. I try to keep it under wraps, but…”

Willow grabbed a Coke and a sandwich as she sat down in a chair.

“Well you sure do a great job. In fact it’s so far under wraps, I’ve never even noticed it before.”

“You are a liar, Willow Rosenberg. You used to be head over heels in love with me!”

I sat back and watched the show as I chowed down.

“Xander, that was a million years ago!”

“No sorry, it wasn’t. It was only…Go get a calculator.”

“I’m not getting a calculator. Let’s just say I’ve been over you for years and years.”

“But have you…really? Maybe you’ve been secretly pining…”

“You wish.”

“…from afar, and now…”

“Trust me Xander, not nearly far enough.”

They made me smile just like always, but this time around I could do it right out in the open.

Between my tough girl image and their ‘take me and leave me for dead’ attitude, was plenty safe to say that I always made sure to play it cool and frosty with’em. But now? Fuck it, I could admit it.

If they asked me, I’d tell’em I missed’em. A lot. And the fact that they wanted me around was a big bonus. Course it’d be bigger if it wasn’t just ‘cause they were scared shitless about B, but whatever.

I learned a long time ago to take whatever good came my way. No shame in that, not for anybody.

“Red, where can I bunk?”

All the fun kinda went out of her as my question brought us all back to reality.

“Dawnie’s room. Let me go and get it ready for you.”

“Nah, don’t bother. Can throw the sheets on myself, and I don’t give a shit about anything else. Would like ya to point out B’s room. I need to look around.”

She hesitated, just like I knew she would. I felt for her, this was one fucked up sitch for sure.

“Her room? I’ll…uh…I’ll show you.”

“Know it’s hard Willow, but it’s not the time for being polite and respecting personal space. It’s gone way past that, and we gotta go with it. But I won’t ask you to do any of the dirty work, okay? That’s for me only.”

They both spoke up right away:

“I’ll do what I need to, even if…”

“I can do the dirty work if you need me to.”

“I know that guys, but I want you both staying as clean as you can. That way she’s got somebody to turn to when this is all over. Not ever gonna be me anyways, and you two always fit the bill just right. Okay?”

Willow stood up:

“Okay. It’s this way.”

“See ya tomorrow, Patch?”

He smiled at the nickname.

“If that’s the plan.”

“It is. Think you could show up a little after 7:00 with some doughnuts?”

“Sure, it’s like riding a bike.”

“Great. See ya then.”

They were both silent, and the look on their faces told me there was a problem.

“Yeah?”

Willow took the lead:

“Faith, sometimes we don’t even see Buffy for a week or two. What makes you so sure she’ll even be here?”

“’Cause B can’t resist a challenge, and I laid one down. Throw into the mix I made her mad…She’ll be here, lookin’ for my blood.”

“That makes sense to me. Okay ladies, sexy one-eyed doughnut man says goodnight. I’ll see you in the morning.”

He took off, and Willow and me climbed the stairs. I was on my way to completely violate B’s privacy, and Red was looking pretty uneasy. Course she was looking all determined too, and that was the part that was running her.

When we got there she swung the door open, and I didn’t hesitate.

“Okay, clear out. I’m gonna be awhile.”

“I’ll get your room ready then while you…”

“While I invade B’s privacy, stick my nose in all her shit, and definitely piss her off way worse than I already have. Bet you’re glad you begged me to come back with ya.”

She laughed, and I closed the door as she turned away…and fuck.

The room smelled like, well probably lots of things, but all I could smell was B. She’d made a shaky mess outta me in about two minutes, and here I was just standing still and inhaling for all I was worth.

The way I felt about her was gonna make this so much worse for me, but hey, I knew that ‘fore I hopped on the plane. I did my best to fool everybody else, but I never tried any of that shit on myself. Inside I always admitted that I loved her, and I’ve spent the last few years trying to push those feelings away just so I could survive.

My goal was to maybe get a life going for myself, and I’d done it too, well sorta. Took me a long time, but I’d finally reached the point where my first thought every single fucking day wasn’t always about her. Can’t vouch for the very last one or any of the ones in between, but I had that first one under control at least fifty percent of the time.

And I could sometimes go decent patches of time without thinking about her at all. No worrying about her, no wanting and needing her so much that my body felt like it was burning me alive from the inside out. It was real progress, and it was all lost now. I’d known that the second I saw Willow standing at my door.

This was a huge fucking backslide, and I was gonna be fighting for years to stop my fall. I was like a junkie who’d suddenly started mainlining again after staying clean for a buncha years. Well, there was no help for it. Was just the price you pay, at least I do, for being in B’s orbit.

She was too strong to pull away from once she had you, and I think it was pretty obvious to anybody who was looking, that she had me the first second I laid eyes on her. Just a fact of life, and I knew for sure nothing was ever gonna change it. It was what it was.

I scored her drugs right off the bat. Yeah, I know all the tricks and hiding places, so no way could she pull one over on me. Course since she’d left’em right out in plain sight on the dresser, well fuck, Helen Keller coulda spotted’em sooner or later.

That she’d just left them out like that was way worse than if she’d tried to hide them. It meant she didn’t care who saw, but it meant more than that too. It meant she wanted everyone who was left to see just how far gone she was. If she coulda, she’d have grabbed them and smashed their faces right down into it. She wanted them gone, and she wanted them gone for good.

I went through the trashcan looking for addresses on receipts and napkins. I kept some and memorized the easier ones. When it came to tracking her, I was gonna count on our Slayer connection, but it still never hurt to have a little back-up.

I opened her weapons chest next, and the message it sent was way worse than anything else coulda been. There were dirty and chipped blades, the crossbow trigger worked only when it wanted to, and the stakes were all scuffed up with cracks, splinters, and nicks. It was a mess, and it was nothing like B.

It was clear she was trying to give somebody any advantage she could. They still couldn’t off her, not yet, but time wasn’t in her favor. Doesn’t matter how good you are, how tough, eventually something’s gonna give ya a run for your life. You had to have everything you could get swinging in your favor, and even with all of that, they could still get lucky. Then it’s time for the next Slayer to have her turn, and you’re just a name in some boring old book

B was taking all of her advantages away, doing her best to give whatever she ran into its very best chance of coming out the winner. Gotta say it made me hope she was really enjoying the hell outta her last night of freedom. She wasn’t going out alone again at night until she was back to being Buffy.

Okay, was time to crash. I wanted to be all perky and fresh for my early appointment in the morning. Damn, I could feel the tears running down my face again. I hadn’t cried this much since…Let’s just call it “a while”, only time period I feel like giving out.

I had to toughen up here and fast. Crying in front of B was only gonna be seen as a weakness, and I couldn’t afford to point out another one to her. It would just seal everybody’s fate in the wrong way.

All that was gonna get the job done was the appearance of big, mean, bad ass Faith. She was needed, and tomorrow she was gonna be here with both barrels blazing. I had no idea how long it was gonna take, didn’t know what was gonna be left of me when it was over, but I could guarantee one thing: I was gonna pull B clear.

It didn’t take a genius to figure it was gonna be rough. Rough was okay with me. If the shit had to fly, well when didn’t the shit fly when me and B were around each other?

I had a job to do, and I was gonna do it. I had to, there was too much at stake for it to go any other way. Absolutely no fucking pun intended. I meant business now.

Chapter Four

She was out cold when I waltzed in. She was also naked, at least from the waist up. I just had to look for a second because as fucked up as she was, she was still so damn beautiful.

She looked just like herself when she was out of it. Her face didn’t have that hardness and her…Suck it up, right? Not the time for me to start writin’ love poems and shit. It was time to step up and get it rolling. Okay then, roll away.

I pulled the curtains open, and the light came streaming in. She moaned, turned the other way, and pulled the covers up over her head. I yanked’em right the fuck off the bed and tossed’em across the room. FYI: Waist down too.

The look I saw on her face when my eyes finally got up there, well it was priceless. She was shocked, then confused, then pissed beyond belief. At first she couldn’t get her eyes to focus, but when they did, they caught me right in the crosshairs.

“Morning, B. Breakfast is ready, and I knew ya wouldn’t wanna miss it. We’re having a big ‘Welcome Back Faith’ chow down. Hurry it up or we’re gonna be late.”

She didn’t so much as budge.

“Have you completely lost your fucking mind?”

“Ya mean again? Probably, but that’s not something we got time to get into right now. Shake a leg, and while you’re at it ya might wanna throw on some clothes.”

She got that look on her face and started stretching all slow and revealing.

“Why? Does it bother you seeing me all naked in bed?”

“Yeah, seeing The Slayer looking like some used skank whore is kind of a downer, for sure. I’m hoping clothes and some food can make ya look a little less like such a fucked up mess.”

Man, was she ever pissed. She wanted to punch me, but she knew at the moment she wasn’t much of a match. She’d been doing whatever she’d been doing all night, probably right up until a couple of hours ago, and it was easy to see she wasn’t feeling too good.

She had no chance to take me, but it was killing her not to try. I saw her eyes start darting around, so I thought I’d clear it up for her:

“No drugs. Flushed’em all last night. There’s aspirin on the breakfast table, so let’s get moving.”

She half sat up then, a little too fast, and her hand went to her head:

“You threw…You threw my stuff away? Are you out of your fucking mind?!”

“Appreciate you phrasing it different, but the answer’s still the same. As for the other question, the answer is ‘yes’, I tossed your drugs. Something you shoulda done a long time ago. You didn’t, so I did.”

“Are you…”

“Seriously B, ya ask me that again, I’m gonna think you’re due a stint in the nuthouse. Now get moving or I’m gonna move ya.”

She kinda flexed her arms, like she was loosening up for a fight:

“You are, are you?”

“Oh, I absolutely am. Look, I’m not one of your little Scooby pals. Got all the Slayer strength you do, and unlike you I’m still able to use it.”

“Is this a joke? You’ve never been able to take me. Why don’t I just kick your ass right now?”

I laughed at her, and it didn’t look like she was finding the funny. Well neither was I.

“Because you can’t. You’re hung over, strung out, and you can barely keep your eyes open ‘cause the sunlight’s nailin’ ya. Me? Early riser now, stayed in shape, and I’m feelin’ good. Can so kick your ass without even breaking a sweat, and we both know it. Now get up…not asking again.”

I could practically see her mind spinning, looking this way and that for a way out. She was furious and right on the edge of trying to fight me. I was ready, I was just hoping she wasn’t gonna try it.

I sounded all confident, but I was kinda bluffing. I mean this was Buffy, and no matter how low she’d sunk, she was still tough. She was no easy opponent at any time in any way, and if she wasn’t so screwed up she’d be giving me more than a run for my money.

But she was screwed up, physically, emotionally, and in this case the most important screwed up factor was the mental one. She didn’t believe in herself anymore, so she was taking what I said like it was the gospel, like I knew what was true. Normally Buffy would never let anyone tell her what she could and couldn’t do, but right now Buffy wasn’t home, so I got away with it.

She got up looking shaky and pathetic. I tossed her some pajamas, and although her eyes made it clear she was wishing me dead, she put’em on.

“Can I piss by myself or do you want to come along?”

“No clue if you can do anything by yourself. Looks like everything’s a big challenge for ya, but I’m hoping you can still manage your bodily functions. It ain’t gonna surprise me much if you can’t.”

“Fuck you, Faith.”

I gave her my cockiest smirk:

“Nah, don’t think so. Like my partners a little more coherent and hygienic.”

She slammed the bathroom door, and I heard her swear when the noise hurt her head. I kept my Slayer hearing all the way up, even though I didn’t think she was in any shape to run. Still, Buffy wasn’t exactly predictable, especially when she was mad, so there was no sense taking any chances.

I opened the door when I heard her finish washing her hands, and I caught a glimpse of her in the mirror. I mean the real her, and she looked scared and lost. My heart went out to her ‘cause I knew just how that felt, but before it could make a difference, she had her mask back in place:

“Get the hell out of my way.”

I stepped back to let her pass.

“Sure. Just watch yourself on the stairs. You’re not lookin’ all that steady.”

“I think I can handle it.”

“You can’t handle anything B, that’s the problem.”

Steam shot out of her ears, but she clenched her jaw to stop herself from saying anything else. I could almost see her head pounding as we went downstairs. I’d opened every curtain I could find as wide as I could, and the light was killing her. Hell, even Willow looked like it was too bright.

“Morning, Buffy.”

“Yes, it seems to be. Is this your idea, Willow?”

I answered before Willow could say a word:

“All mine, B. Figured it’d be fun for us to have a big breakfast together. Ya know, the whole gang, or what’s left of it. Just like old times.”

She didn’t say a word as she took a seat at the table.

“Plus we got business to go over. Red tells me there’s a big bad ya gotta take care of. Guess maybe you forgot about it.”

“I didn’t forget. When I see it, I’ll take care of it.”

“So you been keepin’ an eye out, yeah? Bet you’d have better luck if you maybe tried patrolling. Kinda hard to find it in a club or between somebody’s legs.”

Her next sentence cost her, I could see that it did, but you know sometimes you just can’t offer up any mercy.

“Could we just stop now? All of this is killing my head.”

Red went sympathetic in a second, but before she could make a move or a sound, I jumped right in:

“It is? Sorry to hear that, B.”

“Maybe we could just close some of the curtains, that would really help.”

“Yeah, bet it would. Know what else would help? If you’d take your head out of your ass and stop drinking every night. Or hey, maybe you could stop putting every fucking thing you find into your body.”

Her hands were rubbing at her temples, and her voice was way on the shaky side:

“All I’m asking is…”

“Curtains are staying open. The rest of us are normal and like to see the sunshine. Your head hurts? Then take the aspirin and stop whining. Nobody forced you to act like an asshole, you wanted to. Maybe not your best idea.”

I went and got the food, and when I got to her plate I dished it out just as big as I could. I saw her flinch when I flung it on her plate, and for a minute I was sure she was gonna hurl. She hung on though, and I sat down.

“Eat up, B.”

“What? Now you’re going to force me to eat?”

I was wolfing my food down because who knew how much longer this was gonna go before she blew.

“If I gotta. But I’m hoping you’re a big enough girl to know you lost this round.”

Her eyes met mine, then they slid away, and I knew what was coming.

“…Will, I’m sorry I scared you. I know things haven’t been good, but we don’t need Faith here. We can get through this, if you and Xander still want to help me. I know I kind of shut you guys out, but we’ve always been there for each other and…”

“Knock it off. Red might feel for ya, but she’s not stupid. I’m not leaving, no matter what kinda shit you start shoveling. You’re not foolin’ anybody in any way……Now eat.”

If looks could kill. I knew I was really gonna be paying for all of this somewhere not too far down the line, and it wasn’t something I was looking forward to.

Suddenly Willow spoke up, and I could have kissed her for doing it.

“Buffy, I am scared. I’ve told you that more times than I can count, but you didn’t care then and you don’t care now. The way you just tried to manipulate me, well that tells me all I need to know. I’ve begged you to let me help you, but you just won’t. That’s your right I guess, but as your friend I’ve got rights too. I did what I needed to do…Faith stays.”

Buffy never even glanced at her. She just sat there picking kinda delicate at her food like she didn’t know what it was for.

I shoved her plate closer to her and when our eyes met, I braced myself for her fork to come whizzing at my forehead. Instead she took a tiny bite and struggled to get it to go down and stay there.

We were all quiet for a few, and then here came Xander. The guy had perfect timing, and he brought doughnuts and normalness with him.

“Hey, guys! Doughnuts free of charge.”

It was time to ramp things up a notch or two:

“Cool. What’d ya get?”

“A full spread of doughy goodness for my girls.”

“Grab some jelly ones?”

Xander looked almost offended:

“Why, of course. You can never purchase doughnuts for this crowd without including the deliciously squishy jelly doughnut.”

I reached out, and he handed me the box. I sat it down and began rooting around:

“Sure gonna be a treat not to have to fight Giles to the death for it. Man’s serious about his jelly doughnuts.”

I sensed, more than saw, her reaction when I said the “G” word. Willow had clued me in on the fact that B had forbidden them to talk about Giles or Dawn around her. Oh well, new player in town with all new rules.

“So how is Giles?”

B was not liking this at all. Good. I kept right on going.

“What’s the word on when he’s coming back? Doesn’t seem right with him gone, can’t believe he’d leave like that again. When did he…”

Buffy started to get up.

“Sit down, B.”

“I’m not staying for this.”

“Think you are.”

She looked at me then, and it didn’t look like she was all that pleased.

“I don’t want to talk about him.”

“Yeah? Well too bad, ‘cause I do. Since I’m in charge of your strung out ass, what I say goes.”

“The hell it does!”

The fight was brief because she was strung out and I was ready. I had her back in her chair in about fifteen seconds, and she looked like she was gonna puke or pass out.

“Don’t move again until I tell ya you can.”

Willow and Xander looked a little freaked, but they didn’t comment.

“So I was saying, when did Giles split?”

Willow’s eyes went to Buffy briefly, but she sucked it up and answered:

“It was about four months ago.”

“How come?”

“He…Well he couldn’t…”

“Gonna have to tie you there, B?”

“…No.”

“Good. He couldn’t what, Red?”

I felt bad for Willow, but there was no other way to play this.

“He couldn’t stand to watch what Buffy was doing to herself.”

“Plenty tough to stomach alright. Been just a few hours for me, and I can barely take it. So what was the final straw?”

Buffy’s head jerked up, and she gave Willow a hard ass stare:

“Willow, don’t you dare get into…”

“Knock off the threats and the big scary Slayer stare. Not too effective when ya can barely stand. Red, you got the floor.”

She looked like she’d be way happy to give it back, but this was Willow. She was tough too, and she loved Buffy. No way was she gonna back down.

“Buffy brought some…people home. They were scary and Dawnie had to call Giles for help. She went to live with him, and a week later they both left for England.”

I turned to look at Buffy:

“Can see why ya didn’t wanna get into it. So ya put Squirt in danger, then what? Gave Giles the chance to catch you screwing some lowlife? Pretty impressive set-up ya ran, B.”

“He betrayed me, and I don’t want…”

I laughed at her:

“Not really how it went down, is it B? Giles would never turn on you, it was you who did the betraying, right? Just kept pushing him ‘til you got him backed into a corner. Forced him to give you an ultimatum, then you scared Dawn and made him run.”

She just sat in her chair all still, and I kept talking.

“What’d ya do to Squirt? Make her think you didn’t love her, that she didn’t matter to ya anymore? Did ya tell her she was dragging you down, ruining your good time? Bet you said all kinds of shit to hurt her and push her away.”

She was gripping onto the table now, her knuckles turning white.

“You like knowing they’re hurting and feeling all guilty and helpless and scared for you? That part of the ‘good’ feeling you were telling me about? ‘Cause I gotta tell ya B, sure doesn’t look like it feels good at all. Fact is, it looks like it’s killing you.”

Now she was on the edge of her chair, her legs under her like she was gonna spring into action.

“Hey, while we’re chatting, what’s the deal with Soulboy? How the hell did you ever get him to turn tail? Wait, don’t tell me, let me guess. Did ya start acting all sexy like you were gonna fuck him? Make it so he had to go or you were gonna take his soul? Is that what ya did B, scare the shit right outta Angel? Come on, tell me. I’m right, yeah?”

“Go to hell.”

“Can’t seem to shake Willow and Xander though, can ya? Pisses you right off, doesn’t it? Man, this is so you. Never did appreciate all the good stuff you had. Nice house, three squares a day, good clothes, all that material shit. Plus ya got friends who love you, friends who’d fucking die for you, and a Watcher who loves ya so much, he got canned for it. Worst thing is your dad’s an asshole who doesn’t give a shit about you, but that’s how fucking lucky you are. Real dad’s no good? You get handed another one who’s damn near perfect. Throw in a great mom who…”

“Shut your fucking mouth!”

“…gets sick and dies, then what? You gotta turn it into your own deal. Poor Joyce’s head explodes on her, but you make it all about you. You found her, you couldn’t save her, you gotta look after Dawn, you can’t do it, you might fuck it up, and on and on and on. Jesus B, you’re such a whining little baby. Wonder what your mom would say if she knew all the shit you’d been doin’. Bet you’d be a huge disappointment to…”

And then finally, here she came. It wasn’t the pathetic imposter I’d been dealing with, this was Buffy. Her eyes were alive, on fire with a passion I hadn’t seen since I’d been back. She was full of feeling, humming with it.

Course the downside to that was, what she was feeling and humming was an intense hatred for me. Oh well, can’t always have it your own way, can ya? Sometimes just comes down to the whole life, lemons, lemonade deal.

Her fist hit me with enough force to break anyone else’s jaw, and I flew back across the room. She came right after me and got in five, no, six good shots before I could get her off me. I was hurting, maybe had a busted rib, but I wasn’t anywhere near done for.

She could still hit like a mad as hell Slayer, but I was betting her stamina was for shit. That didn’t help me much as she whipped a kick right at that painful rib I mentioned. Fuck she was fast, and I just managed to catch her foot and flip her into the air before she connected.

Normally she’d have spun herself into a fighting position by the time she landed, but hangovers as bad as hers always kinda throw you off your game. Plus, no way was flipping and spinning on the list of things she wanted to do. Not if she wanted to keep the contents of her stomach on the inside.

She bumped a chair as she landed, losing her balance just a little bit, and that was all I needed. I was on her with an advantage, and even though it was just a small thing really, it was enough for another Slayer to take control of the fight. I had her restrained in thirty seconds, give or take. It was only when I was positive I had her secured, that I dared to look at Willow and Xander.

They were standing back against the far wall, and they were looking terrified and hopeful at the same time. It was like they couldn’t believe what they’d just seen, the good and the bad. I spoke to them as calmly as I could while B called me everything in the book, as well as the sequel I’d never read. She was doing her best to break loose, but there was no way that was gonna happen.

“You guys mind clearing out to give me and B some alone time? We’d really appreciate it.”

They left without saying a thing, and B kept right on telling me in really vivid words what she was gonna do to me when she got loose. None of it sounded good to me, in fact most of it sounded downright scary, so I kept her right where she was. Made me wicked glad I had superpowers, ya know?

After a long time that seemed a helluva lot longer, she finally stopped struggling. Still, no dummy here, and I kept my grip Slayer strong.

“Sorry about bringing your mom up like that. Had to see if you were still in there, and the good news is you are. Know ya don’t wanna admit it, I know ya can’t, but you don’t want this anymore. This isn’t you B, you’re way better than this.”

She didn’t move or say a word.

“I been right where you’re at, and it took a knife in my gut, a coma, and a long prison stretch to fix me up. You’re not that far gone yet, and I’m not letting you get there. I know ya wanna pound me into a bloody pulp right now, and I don’t blame you at all for that. Pretty sure you’ll get your chance not too far down the line, but this isn’t it. Thinking we should get you into the shower, it’ll make ya feel better.”

We stayed where we were for another couple of minutes, just kinda letting things settle. When I felt like shit was where it should be, I spoke up:

“Letting go now, B.”

And I did, jumping back out of range in one move. She didn’t do anything for a few seconds, then she got to her feet in what looked like slow motion.

The look on her face wouldn’t have been called encouraging by anyone but me. In fact, think it’s safe to say most people probably woulda shit their pants to see her looking at them like that. Not me though, and in this case I was the only one who mattered.

So what was so encouraging to me? I could see her. Just as plain as day, I could see her. She was trying to hide, had her fucking mask back in place, had everything all covered up and safe, but I could still see her there.

“I hate you, Faith.”

“I know ya do.”

“I’m going to make you pay.”

“Got no doubt about that.”

“I’m going to make you sorry you ever started this.”

“Guess I’ll just have to deal.”

“I’ll make sure you can’t.”

“Price I gotta pay then ‘cause you’re not going where I went…no matter what price I end up paying.”

“You could still leave.”

“No B, I really couldn’t.”

“Fine, just remember it was your choice.”

“Sure you’re gonna remind me.”

“Oh, you can count on that…F.”

Chapter Five

I got her into the shower without anymore trouble, then made her sit in the front room while I worked on her weapons. I didn’t say a word about the shape they were in, but she knew I knew, ya know?

She wouldn’t talk or even look at me, but I just went about my business and didn’t push her. About four hours later we had lunch, and then I let her go back to bed. She looked at me like it was a scam, but I could see she was ready to drop and I wanted her as rested as she could be. The night figured to be a busy one.

“No tricks B, just looks like ya need some sleep.”

“Oh thank you so much, Faith. You’re too kind.”

“Yeah, always did have a soft spot.”

As she walked up the stairs, I heard her mumble:

“Fucking bitch.”

I let it go, even though about a thousand comebacks went through my mind. Sometimes you just gotta be the bigger Slayer, and this was one of those times.

The day passed peaceful enough, me with the weapons, her with the sleep. As sunset got closer, I got my boots and jacket on, grabbed a few stakes, and slid my knife into its sheath on my leg. Then I just sat back down and waited.

Wasn’t more than ten minutes before I heard her. Only a Slayer coulda, she was quiet and she was quick. She was also gone, and I let her go. After a few, I left a note for Red and headed out.

I picked up her trail in no time, but I stayed back what I hoped was a safe distance. Figured whatever she had left in her system was probably still fucking with her Slayer sense, but who could really say for sure? Didn’t much matter, but I was hoping to surprise her.

The joint she chose was loud, and it was packed. It was also a pretty shady crowd, but I made it to within fifty feet of her with only two busted fingers, not mine of course. I stood back in the shadows and just watched her.

She was dancing with some slimeball dealer, obviously looking to score something to take the edge off. The guy was completely under her spell, and as much as I hated having anything in common with him, I had to admit I knew exactly how he felt.

I couldn’t take my eyes off her. The way she was moving, it was all about sex, and it took me right back to when she’d danced like that with me. That had been a great night, the best. Of course as is my way, it was also the start of everything bad too.

That was the night before I killed Allan Finch and went one hundred percent completely crazy, but before that whole downward spiral got to spinning, oh man, what a great fucking night. I thought I had a shot at her then, like maybe she really did feel something for me. Seemed like for just a little while there, the same thing was moving through her that was moving through me, like we were sharing something important between just the two of us.

Then of course Angel had to show, and she zoomed right over to him without a second’s hesitation. I just kept dancing, what the fuck else could I do? I couldn’t beg her to stay with me like I wanted to. I couldn’t walk over and stake Angel like I was just itching to do, and I sure as hell couldn’t hold her to me like I needed to. All I could do was keep dancing like I didn’t even notice she was gone, like it didn’t matter to me.

I watched them outta the corner of my eye, and ‘cause I was petty back then, it made me feel better to see how fucking uncomfortable she was making him. She was all worked up and sexy from being with me, and she was just pouring it all out on him, the guy who couldn’t do shit. He looked like he was being tortured, but not nearly enough as far as I was concerned. I wanted him to hurt, and I wanted him to hurt bad.

I’ve done a lot of looking back over my life, and I know now that was the real moment when I snapped. It wasn’t when I killed Finch, although nobody’s claiming that helped the sitch any. But the real moment came when I had her this close, and then just like that she was gone. Off and running to her dead boyfriend, despite everything that was burning through us...well, through me.

What that moment told me was the truth: I was never going to get her, never. And that moment made it all too clear that I’d just been dreaming. There was no chance she’d ever really see me or the love I felt. Even if she did, she’d never return it. I was always gonna be alone, even if she was standing right next to me.

I’m not sure what I was thinking. She was as straight as a fucking ruler, how had I just overlooked that fact? Plus she was way, way, way outta my league, and then there was another big ass obstacle. It was the biggest roadblock of’em all: she loved Angel. The forever kinda love they write songs and books about, and that was the end of the goddamned heartbreaking story…

‘Cept the story just kept right on going. I came back to help her with The First, then stuck around trying to be a part of the team, and maybe even her friend. Fat chance. I got flattened at each and every turn.

She wouldn’t let me in, hardly ever even looked at me with anything you could remotely call affection or friendship. She still didn’t trust me, and the truth of that was always staring out at me from the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. Still I kept at it because I wanted to be there for her, there wasn’t anything else I could do.

The whole First sitch was rough, and it turned out she was glad for the extra help. Then Xander lost an eye, the Scoobies lost their fucking minds, and we all kinda lost the way. The argument was going, I was fighting her too, but I missed just how crazy it was getting.

I never expected them to turn on her like they did, I still don’t get what the hell happened. The Potentials didn’t count, what the fuck did they know? Same with Wood. But the others? What the hell were they doing? Only thing I can come up with is that the energy streaming outta The Hellmouth had’em acting like a buncha crazy assholes. What the fuck else could it have been?

Anyway, before I knew it they’d tossed her and made me their new leader. B took off, and I had no fucking clue what to do. Course I ran after her all ready to talk her into coming back inside, but when I saw her face, I knew she’d had it. The hurt and betrayal I saw there, made all the words I was prepared to say just fucking disappear into nothing.

See, I could see what she was thinking. She was thinking she’d done so much, given so much, and none of it had been enough. She was thinking that she wasn’t good enough, and now the people she loved didn’t think she was either.

I shoulda told her right that second that wasn’t true. I shoulda told her that nobody believed that, but I didn’t. I didn’t really say any of the shit I shoulda to her because I didn’t know how.

I messed up because I was suddenly someplace I’d never expected to be, and I wasn’t good with words anyway. She told me not to be afraid to lead them, and then she just walked away. I headed back in, sure that everybody was gonna be coming to their senses any second. ‘Til then, I was gonna hold the fort.

My plan was to show her I could do something good, something that would actually help her. She’d come back, I’d hand her the reins, and we’d all go back to the way it was supposed to be. Great plan, but nothing went anything like that.

I got a bunch of us killed, everything fell apart, and of course the only one who came out looking like they oughta was B. No surprise there ‘cause no matter what goes down, it’s B who knows how to get it done. I think we all forgot that.

So she comes back, we have our little moment, and I’ll be damned but I swear I felt it again. It was just there, this warmth, this connection that seemed to have fuck all to do with us being Slayers, and everything to do with us just being me and her.

God how I wanted it, wanted her. It was just a little thing really, but it gave me hope that when the dust settled, maybe we were gonna get a shot at something good. Something that was real, maybe even something we could call a friendship. Fuck, I wanted that so bad.

But first we had the big battle to live through. We fought and then unbelievably, B went down. It was bad, and for a second I wanted to go with her. But as usual, Buffy was first and foremost The Slayer, and she did the exact right thing. She handed me the fancy axe, and told me to hold the line.

No way could I do anything else. She’d asked me to do something, and I was gonna or I was gonna die trying. Wasn’t long before it looked like the dying option was making itself the big winner. I was down for the count, but then I felt it. It shot through me and I knew…The Slayer was back on her feet.

So much strength poured into me, I flung like four or five of them ugly fuckers offa me. I flipped to my feet, and there she stood. Buffy was up and fighting like just what she was: the very best this world has to offer. She was incredible, and it was then I knew we were gonna win. She wasn’t gonna let it go any other way.

When I tried to figure out later what it was exactly that I’d felt surging through me, I realized it had to be because that Slayer deal had made it back into her hands. It gave us all some mystical Slayer energy blast, but when I brought it up to the others, they had no clue what I was jawing about. That’s when I realized, it wasn’t any Slayer thing, it was something powerful between just me and her. No way can I ever explain what that meant to me.

Okay, so the big battle’s wrapping, The Hellmouth’s collapsing, and what do I see? It’s B, running to her newest dead boyfriend. But there was no pettiness from me this time. Spike was going out in a blaze of glory after helping save the world, he deserved whatever he could get.

I screamed at her to get moving, but when she threw a glance my way, I could see she was only gonna move when she decided to. I also knew he loved her, he’d get her to go. Besides, it wasn’t my place to get between’em, not my right. I had to let her do what she needed to do, so I left her there.

I hopped on the bus and Wood started hauling ass, going way faster than was factory recommended. Almost everybody on board was hurt or dying, and we drove for our lives. Don’t think any of us were surprised when we heard her hit the roof. Know for sure I wasn’t or I never woulda left her.

She’s The Slayer, and I don’t give a shit what the odds say. Buffy is one tough fucker, and she always does the impossible. No way was she not catching up with us, she’s only going down for good when she says so.

Anyway, the big evil’s defeated, the fight’s all over, and it’s a brand new day. Except for me and her. We were right back where we’d always been. Nothing had changed at all, not one fucking thing. Can ya believe it? I sure as hell couldn’t.

I tried, not a bastard anywhere who coulda tried harder, but she wouldn’t let me in. I did everything I could think of, plus a buncha shit I musta been channeling ‘cause I got no fucking clue where it came from. Still I couldn’t get anywhere near her, and then I finally understood: if I didn’t get away from her, I wasn’t gonna make it. She was killing me in just about every way there was except for outright murder.

So I left her, and I stayed away. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do ‘cause this time it was just me. No comas, no prison bars, just me and my own restraining order.

Since the first second I’d laid eyes on her, everything about her called out to everything inside of me, and God knows all I wanted was to keep right on answering. It felt like I was born to answer her, but I finally just left, and that hurt me way more than anybody’s ever had the words.

Oh fuck, talk about your big ass sidetracks. Would say I’m gonna make a long story short, but you know the joke. ‘Sides, this here’s not exactly “Memory Lane”, not even close. It’s just a sleazy fucking club in the here and now, and The Slayer’s fitting herself right into it way too easy.

She was still all over the asshole, and he looked so outta his depth it woulda been funny in some other circumstance. In this one, I wasn’t amused in the slightest. Fact of it was, I wanted to kill him, but instead I made my way up to her and said loud enough for everybody around us to hear:

“Hanson, Chief wants us back at the station, pronto.”

Christ, the guy’s face. He went from confused to scared shitless ‘bout as fast as ya can. B looked annoyed when she heard my voice, but that changed to pissed off real quick as it hit her what my little announcement had just done.

It kinda looked like she found it a little funny too. Don’t know if that was due to the size of my balls or the wicked creativeness I had going on. I didn’t much care.

“Faith, what in the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Sorry to blow your cover, but we’ve been pulled off. Chief says the Feds are taking it from here. He wants us back, and he’s way pissed at the power play, so let’s move. Don’t want it being my ass that gets chewed.”

B’s dance partner wasn’t exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer:

“You’re…you’re a cop?!”

I grabbed him by the arm:

“Whoa, wanna bring it down a notch, scuzzball? What’re ya tryin’ to do, tip-off your partners?”

The dumb ass went white.

“Partners?! What?! No, I don’t have any partners, honest! I deal alone and…uh…”

“Save it pal. We’ve been stinging you for months now. Hanson’s got more than enough to earn ya an easy dime. Only chance you got’s if you cooperate with the Feds when…”

He pulled loose and took off running. Me and B watched him go, and when he was outta sight, she turned to me. The look in her eyes let me know I was gonna get my ass kicked, but good.

“That was great, Faith. Very convincing.”

“Yeah, gotta say I’m pleased. Nice to know my time with the state wasn’t a waste.”

“No, clearly it wasn’t.”

I smiled big at her, guess I like to live dangerous:

“Figure when word spreads, nobody’s coming anywhere near you with so much as an breath mint.”

“Yes, I’d have to say that’s a pretty accurate assessment.”

“Well B, they do say drugs aren’t good for ya.”

“You know, I think I heard something about that.”

There was already a big space around us, and the dance floor was thinning out so much it was starting to look like a ghost town.

“Hey, I got an idea. Since you can’t get yourself all fucked up right now, how ‘bout we go patrol? Might be able to scare up that demon that’s got Red all hot and bothered.”

She just stood there staring at me, and then there it was. A smile, an honest to goodness smile lit up her whole face. She just caught herself before she let out a laugh, but she couldn’t stop it from showing up in her eyes.

“You Faith, are unbelievable.”

I smiled, but just like that, the moment was gone. Her mask came back up, followed closely by her right fist.

She knocked me back and I sailed right over the bar, smashing about ten bottles into pieces, as well as a stack of nicely polished glasses. My boot clipped the bartender on the chin and he went down hard, out cold. I finally stopped when my head and shoulder exploded the mirror hanging on the wall behind the bar.

I was sprawled there in a daze…Fuck, she didn’t even give me time to enjoy that smile. I staggered not too gracefully to my feet, and she was right where I’d seen her last. ‘Cept now she was kicking the bouncer’s ass, and the whole freakin’ place was fighting.

There were five guys headed her way, but she didn’t look too worried. Okay, she didn’t look worried at all, but I still hopped the bar to help her out. Least that was the plan.

What really happened was I went down again. I slipped on all the booze and glass under my feet, and unfortunately for the bartender who was just coming to, my elbow caught him hard in the temple. He was out again, and Jesus, could I just stop beating on the poor guy?

I tried the jump again, and this time I made it to B’s side. I was a little surprised because it was just as crazy looking from my new position. I was in a bar fight with Buffy Summers. Little Miss Tightly Wound was in a bar fight, and let me tell ya, the look in her eye was backing off a whole buncha people.

I clocked some dumb asshole who was swinging a pool cue at my head, and I saw B smile again. It was another real one, and man, I just couldn’t get enough of them. Was looking like between us, I was the one you could call some kinda addict.

We fought back to back to the door, then we were out and running like two kids caught shoplifting. We cut down a few alleys, staying off the main drag in case somebody came looking. We quit running when we hit this way deserted place, and it was obvious we were in the clear.

It was then I had the time to notice what a pretty night it was. The moon was out and shining down bright, and it made her hair look like white gold. She was still smiling, and she looked so beautiful it almost hurt to look at her.

“I should be kicking your ass.”

“So how come you’re not?”

“Maybe because that was so much fun.”

“Yeah it was, B.”

She quit smiling, but she still looked like Buffy. Only now she was all serious.

“Faith, I get that you’re trying to help, but I don’t want it. I don’t want to hurt you either, but I will if you force me to. Just go home, you’re off the hook here. Please, just go before it gets rough.”

“Gotta tell ya, you being like this already hurts me. Know you can make it a lot worse, but no way am I off the hook. I gotta see this through B, you’re too important to too many people for me not to get it done. You gotta stop now. I wish you’d do it on your own, but if you won’t, then I’m gonna do it for ya.”

She started pacing then:

“What is wrong with you?! Don’t you have any pride?! I don’t want you here! I don’t need you! You’ve been gone a long time, and guess what? I haven’t missed you at all! Now leave me alone!”

“No.”

She whirled around to face me:

“God, you really are pathetic. Who are you trying to impress? Me? Willow? Xander? Yourself? Listen to me: whenever I look at you, all I see is a pitiful dog that keeps coming back for a beating with its tail between its legs. You totally disgust me.”

I stayed calm and spoke quietly:

“Might be some truth in that, but you’re still a liar. You miss me B, maybe not for the reasons I wish ya did, but you miss me. You miss having someone around who can take the blows, somebody who really knows what it means to be a Slayer. You know I understand you, we’re The Chosen Two, and you miss that connection we share.”

“Right, whatever Faith. I don’t give a shit what you’ve got to say. The point is, I do not need a chaperone. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, so…”

“Oh yeah, can all see what a bang-up job you’re doin’. Look B, you’re just wasting our time here. Don’t matter to me what you say or do, I’m not letting go of you. You wanna die so fucking bad? Then you’re gonna have to take me with you, and I don’t wanna die. Gonna be a big ass fight, but hey, good luck with that.”

She started rubbing her head like her headache was back. I guess maybe I was giving her one.

“Are you incapable of hearing me? I do not…”

“I hear ya, loud and clear, but I’m not the one who needs to listen. Ya know, takes a lot of energy to keep that anger going, B.”

“Well you’d know all about it, wouldn’t you? The psycho Slayer who wouldn’t listen to anyone about anything. God, how many times did I try to help you?”

“’Bout a thousand.”

“And?”

“Guess I needed a thousand and one.”

She kinda snorted and took a small step towards me:

“Oh I see, I gave up on you too soon. It was all my fault.”

“Nah, was all on me. Never had anybody care about me before, and I didn’t know how to handle it. Nobody’d ever given a shit about me in my whole life, not once, and no way did I know how to trust it when you did.”

“Great, time for all your excuses.”

“No, just trying to explain. But since you brought it up, what’s your excuse? You been loved your whole life, how come none of that matters anymore? I mean, you know you’re hurting everybody, but ya just keep right on going. What’s that all about, Buffy?”

“Shut up! You don’t know anything about it!”

I could see her plain in the moonlight, and she was not looking anything but upset.

“C’mon, that’s not true and you know it. I couldn’t see a way out either, couldn’t see any way to stop it, but thanks to Angel and then finally myself, I learned how to do it. You can get out of this B, I can help you.”

“Really? How’s that, Faith?”

It was my turn to take a step forward:

“I know you and I know what you’re feeling. I can match you every step of the way ‘cause I been right where you are, and way past it too. I know what’s in store for you if you don’t stop doing this. Just let me help you…please, Buffy.”

“Have you ever been tested, I mean officially? I seriously think you’re insane or maybe even brain damaged.”

I ignored her completely:

“I know you’re gonna cause me a lotta pain, but I won’t let it make a difference. You are not going down this path, B. You don’t belong here, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you get clear of it. Whatever ends up going down, it’s not gonna go down like you want it to, I’m not gonna let it. Be easier if you’d just accept that.”

She spun away and began pacing again:

“You’ve got no right to do this.”

“Maybe not.”

“There’s no ‘maybe’ about it! You left, you’ve been out of the picture for years now. God, this is crazy! You’re crazy! Why would I trust you or want your help? All you’ve ever done is hurt me anyway!”

“B, that hurt’s been swingin’ both ways for a long time now. I don’t bother keepin’ score anymore, what’s the point?”

I hopped up to sit on some crates.

“I’m here, and I’m staying. Do what ya gotta, that’s what I’m gonna do. But while you’re fucking around, why don’t ya take a good look at yourself? When’s the last time ya did that without all the bullshit you use to justify what you been doin’?”

I hadn’t planned on having this talk with her now, but she wasn’t running. She was leaning against a pole, and she seemed to be listening. I had to take my chances where I could get them.

“Think you can’t stand lookin’ at yourself now? It doesn’t get better Buffy, ya don’t ever get used to it. Just gets worse until even the bullshit doesn’t help. Then it’s just you and the pain all the time, and it never goes away, not even for a second. It hurts like you can’t imagine, and that’s what’s waiting for you if ya keep heading down this road.”

She didn’t make a sound, and I didn’t either. We just hung in the alley, and I let what I said sink in. When I thought it had, I started up again.

“Where’s it gonna end? What if some monster in the night doesn’t get you? Wanna know what it’s like to be the monster? Well I’m your girl, got the inside info for ya. It’s a thrill, a rush like ya can’t believe. You’re like God, holding lives in your hands. You listen to’em beg and cry, and it’s all up to you. They live or die on your say-so, no rhyme or reason, no justice or reward. You do it just like God does it, take’em out just ‘cause you feel like it.”

B’s head was down and she was leaning heavier on the post. When she put her hand up to her face, I was pretty sure I saw it shaking a little.

“No one can stop ya, it’s the biggest high ever. But there’s a downside: you start feeling your soul drip away. First it’s just a drop at a time, all slow and steady, and you get used to it. Seems like a fair trade-off. Then that bitch is running out so fast it hurts. Before you can do shit about it, the darkness starts filling you up, replacing what ya lost. It’s so cold, but you let yourself fall back into it ‘cause it’s all you got left, it’s all that feels like home.”

“That’s you, not me.”

I ignored her again and just kept going. I was getting to her, and I could see it.

“There I was torturing Wesley. Best night ever. I had so much power, so much control. Had him screaming and bleeding, just short of begging. I coulda done him all night. Then Soulboy shows up, we go at it, and I let all of that darkness loose on him. He didn’t stand a chance. I told him he was gonna die, and he was gonna. He couldn’t take me, nobody coulda. Then just like that, I went empty. All of that darkness had just poured outta me, and I had nothin’ left. The pain came at me and I couldn’t stand it, it hurt too bad. I wanted to die, tried to get Angel to kill me, but he’d caught on and he wouldn’t do it.”

“Is there a point to this very long and very boring story?”

She was trying to sound tough, but her voice wasn’t coming out that way.

“Point is, I got so lost I couldn’t see my way back. Didn’t see how I could ever fix things and make amends, so I just kept going. I thought I couldn’t face the pain and live through it, but I was wrong and you are too, B. You think there’s only one way you can go, so you just keep plowing on ahead. You made a choice somewhere, and now ya think you gotta stick with it. You don’t.”

I jumped down off my seat and started walking over to her, all slow and calm:

“You made a bad decision, but that’s all it is, just a bad decision. You can change your mind, just do things another way. Nothing’s set in stone, you can change it all right now if you wanna. It’s still under your control B, you can do it all different right now.”

“…”

“Just think about it. Maybe talk it over with Willow and Xander. They wanna help, they’ll listen to you. If ya want, you can talk to me, I’ll understand. But whatever ya decide, you gotta quit doing this now. Pretty soon, the cost is gonna get too high for you to pay. Please, B.”

She straightened up, her shoulders all thrown back, and she looked me right in the eye:

“I don’t want to hear this. Just let it go.”

“It’s not too late, I promise you that. There’s not one person who loved you before that still doesn’t. Giles, Dawnie, Angel, they’ll all be back in a flash if you let’em.”

“We’re done now.”

I knew I was running out of time, so I barely even paused:

“Know it makes you mad you can’t lose their love, but that’s just how it is. You’re Buffy, and whether you like it or not, that means a whole lot to a bunch of us. No matter what goes down, nothing can change that, it’s just a fact. I know you think it’s a burden, but look inside B and you’ll remember that it’s not. It’s what keeps you strong, what keeps you ‘you’.”

“Thanks for the big talk. I’m leaving now.”

She turned to walk away, and I grabbed her arm to stop her. I jerked her around until she was facing me again.

“Just open up and let us help you carry some of this. We all wanna do it, we’d do anything for you. No matter what you believe right now, there’s nothing that’s happened that can’t be fixed. This can all change right here, right now, all ya gotta do is stop. You’re going the wrong way B, I swear you are. Just stop, and let us help you.”

“Let go of my arm.”

“Gonna claim what I said doesn’t make sense?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“The hell it doesn’t!”

“Yeah okay, fine, maybe it does to you. Now if you don’t let go of my arm, things are going to become extremely violent.”

I’d gotten through to her, otherwise she wouldn’t have stuck around as long as she did. I could see she was trying to shut back down, and that was okay on one level. But I gotta admit that I’m human, and after my big passionate speech, well I wanted more from her.

Know Rome wasn’t built in a day, stages of grief don’t go from beginning to end, yeah I get it. But standing there looking her right in the eye with my hand holding onto her arm, well I guess I got kinda childish and stupid.

I didn’t let go, and I made it worse by grabbing onto her other arm too. I just stood there smiling a big smart ass smile at her, right in her face, up in her grill. Call it whatever the fuck you want to.

“You wanna take off so bad, B? Then make me let go.”

I saw the anger flare up, but she pushed it back. Now not everybody knows this, but that’s the worst with B. Means she’s really mad and taking her time to go back over the list of all the things she’s already mad at you for. Hmm…what could she be mad at me for?

Early rise and shine, making her eat, physically controlling her, humiliating her in front of Willow and Xander, flushing her drugs, cutting off her supply in town, throwing Giles, Dawn, Angel, and her mom in her face…Man, how far back ya think she’s gonna go?

Ever found yourself right in the middle of doing something you knew was a huge fucking mistake? Well this was one of those moments for me. I was standing in an alley restraining the Slayer, while she calmly went over all the reasons she hated my guts.

Could say I was definitely holding the tiger by the tail, and everybody knows ya can’t do that. But then who the fuck thinks it’s a good idea to just let go?

“I think I’ve been more than patient Faith, but this is starting to annoy me now. Let go, and get the hell away from me.”

Listen, know I’m not all that bright, but I got a pair like you wouldn’t believe. There’s nobody who can dig deeper or faster than me, even if they got a bulldozer.

“Hey B, free country last time I checked.”

“Maybe, but it’s not a free body you’re holding onto. I don’t want you here, and I sure as fuck don’t want you touching me. What’s so hard for you to understand?”

Her eyes looked scary as hell, least what I could see of them in the moonlight.

“Guess it’s hard for me to understand just how fucked up you are. It’s hard for me to understand that your weapons chest looks like an advantage for the other side. Way hard to understand that you’re so gutless now, you’ve just given up.”

She tried to tug her arms free, but I hung on tight.

“Can’t tell you how hard it is to understand that you keep deliberately hurting everybody who loves you while you try to get yourself killed. Just as hard to understand how you’ve become such a mean and selfish bitch. Anything in that you don’t understand? Figure there probably is since you’ve got your head stuck so far up your ass.”

I was pretty sure trouble was coming. Not just anybody could pick up on it, but I’m an expert when it comes to B’s temper. Been making her mad since I met her, I got a knack for it, and unlike other people I can always read the little signs.

For example, I was suddenly being knocked around the alley like a pinball, bouncing off walls, dumpsters, light poles, and a buncha other things a person shouldn’t oughta smash into. It was subtle yeah, but I was picking up on the fact that B was mad, and she seemed way determined to beat the shit outta me.

I fought back, of course I did, and I got in a few good shots of my own. But B was furious and despite being a Slayer myself, I didn’t stand much of a chance. ‘Cause although I’m her equal, when everything’s all even, well she’s always gonna be able to take me. She’s just that little bit better than me, and that difference explained why I was now flat on my back with B sitting on top of me, all set to just start wailing away.

She had my arms pinned with her knees, and I couldn’t bring my legs up high enough to throw her off. I tried to pull loose, and it was then I discovered that my shoulder had somehow popped outta joint and hurt like hell.

To her credit, B seemed way concerned because the instant she saw me wince, she jammed the heel of her hand right on it. I screamed, and she just smiled as she leaned in closer.

“Something the matter, F?”

She pushed again and I yelled again. Sweat started pouring down my face, just like that…Fuck, it hurt.

“I’m tired of these games, and I’m not going to play them anymore.”

She shifted her hand, and I started seeing stars.

“This pain you’re feeling? It’s nothing compared to what I can make you feel. I keep saying the same thing to you…I wonder, are you listening to me this time?”

Again she dug in, and again I was screaming and sweating.

“Now here’s how it’s going to go…You Faith, are heading back to wherever you came from. Thanks so much for stopping by. I, on the other hand, am going just wherever the hell I choose to go. Are we clear?”

Fuck her, I wasn’t answering.

She put steady pressure right on the joint, and it was suddenly like an elephant was sitting there. Or maybe it was just a Slayer using her Slayer strength to strike up a friendly conversation. Whatever was fucking with my shoulder, it had me moaning constantly now.

“You know, when I ask someone a question, I really like them to answer me.”

“…”

“Faith, I’m not really into torture, although I am finding when it comes to you…”

I let out another scream as she pushed this time with a twist.

“…I’m more than willing to make an exception. Now I asked you, ‘Are we clear?’”

She followed her question with a rocking and rolling motion that made it seem like torture was something she was way into.

“…Yeah.”

“’Yeah’ what?”

“Fuck…Never pegged you as a dom…AAH!”

“Let’s just stick to the script, shall we? ‘Yeah’ what?”

“…”

“’Yeah’…”

“Aah…shit!”

“…what?”

“God……Yeah…we’re clear…bitch.”

She stood up, almost making me pass right the fuck out because when I tacked on my “bitch” comment, she decided to get up with all her weight on my shoulder. I stayed down on the ground, just glad my shoulder was only killing me instead of “killing me” killing me.

“I hope we don’t need to do this again.”

“Bullshit, B…Recognize…the signs. You…enjoyed that.”

“Don’t push me, Faith.”

“Maybe not the torture…not yet…but at the very least…the pretending. Course… problem with that is…you pretend long enough, pretty soon that’s…what you become for real...I’d watch out for that if I was you.”

“I guess that’s advice from someone who knows.”

“Absolutely.”

She turned to head off into the night and whatever trouble she could find.

“Hey B, one thing.”

“What?”

“Seriously, you going?”

“I believe I just demonstrated how serious I am.”

I laughed at her then:

“Yeah, suppose most people’d take it that way.”

“Not you though? Want me to refresh your memory?”

Her eyes met mine, and I struggled to keep a hold on my fear. B doesn’t really do idle threats.

“No thanks, that was plenty for me. Don’t want any more of that for like maybe ever.”

“Then shut up because with that arm, I could take you easy.”

“Yeah, you could.”

“Then goodbye.”

She turned around again and started to leave.

“Course so could anything between here and your place.”

She stopped walking then, and slowly turned around to face me.

“…What?”

“I said that anything between here and your house could take me. We’re out in the middle of the bad part of town, nothing good in sight, and I need you to snap my shoulder back in. No way can I do it myself, not after how bad you messed it up.”

“…”

“Course you do that, means I can give ya a fight, and that means you’re not going off by yourself.”

Gotta admit the second I realized my shoulder was fucked up, I was hoping I could use it to test her somehow. Fact that it was going so smooth was a nice change of pace for a change.

“Well tough girl, what’s it gonna be? Feel like rollin’ the dice tonight, see if ya can get a little blood on your hands? My blood? Gonna take that risk B, or you still all about doin’ the right thing?”

She just stood there not moving. She looked like somebody’d just told her that the shirt she was wearing didn’t really match her pants. She looked confused and outta place, like something just wasn’t adding up right.

Damn right it wasn’t adding up ‘cause no matter what she thinks she wants to do, no way is Buffy Summers ever leaving somebody at risk if she can help it. Even if that somebody’s me.

“………Fuck you, Faith.”

“Hey now B, don’t tease me.”

She walked over, grabbed a couple of handfuls of my jacket, and yanked me to my feet about as painfully as she could.

“OW! Easy there, Slayer.”

In a matter of seconds she had my shoulder back in place, and it was all like it was supposed to be. The pain started easing right away as the good old Slayer healing kicked in, ya had to love it.

Without another word, we started our patrol. She was mad as hell, but me? Well I was grinning like a fool. Why? Because no matter what shit was on top of her, no matter what she tried to do to make it otherwise, underneath where it counted she was still all Buffy.

Gotcha, B.

Chapter Six

The patrol went good, no sign of Red’s big bad, but there were plenty of vamps all night long. It was a blast slaying side by side again. B started off a little rusty, but she was still damn good, and as the night rolled on that rust just seemed to disappear.

We’d always had way different styles of slaying, and although there’d been more than a few changes over the years, what we were was still what we were. I was more emotional and wild, she was more calm and controlled, and I still loved watching her go at it.

When B was in the thick of it, it was like watching one of the greats in their prime. They didn’t come around often, and ya had to give’em their props when you ran across’em. I had no trouble doing that, never had, even when I was her opponent.

What makes her so special is how quick she is at making adjustments. Nobody I’ve ever seen, and that includes me, is as good as she is on the fly. She’s all about the fly, and that’s what’s kept her alive for so long.

Everything’s a potential weapon to her, and pretty much even if ya got the advantage on her, you don’t. Fact is, that’s when you’re most likely to get your ass handed to you. Throw in her intelligence and courage, and you’ve got yourself the best fighter ever.

We stayed out patrolling until about 4:00 a.m., and B gave me a way grouchy tour of the town. She didn’t really speak to me for like two hours, so we just walked around killing bad guys in an uncomfortable silence. Least it shoulda been uncomfortable, but I was loving every second of it.

Even though it’d been over five years, we fell right back into it. Our moves fit together like they were made for each other, and although I knew it didn’t really mean a whole hell of a lot, well no way could I help enjoying myself. I could feel her when we slayed. I was so close to her, moving right in sync, and I wanted it to go on forever.

Sure her fighting now had this pain and rage mixed in it, but she was still all B, and that was always worth the price of admission. Plus as things went on, the darkness in her was sorta blinking on and off like it knew it wasn’t supposed to be there. It wasn’t wrapped all around her, it was just laying on top, waiting to get shoved off.

That was encouraging, ‘specially when you consider I’m a real expert at shoving people around. Just one of my many natural talents. First though, I figured to give talking a shot. We were right in the middle of a slowdown, and it never hurts to give the easy way a try.

“Man, shitload of action. It’s like there hasn’t been a Slayer on the job.”

Right after that came out, I realized it wasn’t exactly the best icebreaker I coulda come up with. Probably work a lot better if I said something that didn’t sound like an accusation.

“So, just the five cemeteries. Seems tiny compared to before.”

“…”

“Aw c’mon B, talking don’t mean anything. You can still be a big bad ass when it’s over.”

“…”

“Not trying to buddy up on ya, just looking to…”

“Shut up.”

“’Kay, least that’s something. Not quite what I was shootin’ for, but…”

She stopped walking and turned to face me:

“I am not going to talk to you like we’re old friends. I don’t want you here…God, I don’t want me here, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise. So do us both a favor and just shut the hell up.”

“Kinda overreacting, don’t ya think? Just on a patrol and…”

“’Overreacting’? You come here and try to take over my life, how am I ‘overreacting’? I’ve asked you to leave about a thousand times now, but you just keep irritating me.”

She did look all irritated, frustrated too…Guess those are kinda the same thing.

“You cannot stay here, do you understand? We’re not friends and I don’t want you around. Haven’t I made it clear just how much I want you gone?”

“Well yeah, but obviously I’m still not so hot at taking a hint. You’re not gonna hold that against me, are ya?”

I turned on every ounce of charm I had:

‘Sides, don’t I get some kinda credit for fucking up your life so fast this time around? C’mon B, it’s only been one day, one measly day…That’s gotta be the new record.”

I saw the smile she was trying to keep outta sight. It started in her eyes, and then her lips started twitching like they wanted to turn up. She managed to hang on and keep it offa her face, but her eyes still gave her away, just like always.

She blew out a big breath:

“Come on, I’ll give you the tour.”

I grinned big, I couldn’t help it. Any progress was progress, and this was definitely “progress”. Also, being this close to her was for sure my drug of choice, and there wasn’t anything that got me higher or happier.

“You can stop with the cocky smiling. This doesn’t mean anything.”

“Means you’re giving me the tour. Maybe also means you…”

“God, do you have to push all the time? Just be quiet!”

“Okay, sorry. ‘Sides, it’s never smart to piss off the tour guide. Do that, they skip all the best stuff.”

So it went okay after that, better than you’d think.

A lot of shit was involved, and all of it had her rattled. Our little torture session scared her because she enjoyed it way more than she should have, and our patrol confused her for the same reason. Throw in the part where I made her choose to help me instead of doing what she’d convinced herself she wanted to do, well it was a big meal she had sitting on her plate.

She’d been trying so hard to set herself up as this tough unfeeling bitch who didn’t give a shit anymore, then here she was having to give a shit. I was making her see that no matter what she tried, she was still always just herself. The things she believed in were still the things she believed in, and that was creating a huge problem for her. It was upsetting her, and really fucking up the game she was trying to run.

We got home about 4:30, and the sun was just beginning to think about getting its lazy ass up. We were both beat and trying not to show it.

“Thanks for the tour B, always did hate being the new kid. Place sure is laid out good for a Slayer. Least it’s got…”

She interrupted me using her deadly serious Slayer voice:

“Listen to me, I want you gone. Rest awhile if you need to, but then get your things and go. I meant what I said before: I am all done playing games with you. Go away.”

“Yeah well, that’s the thing about dog shit, B. Can scrape it off, hose it off, but you can never really seem to get rid of it. You think I don’t hear you but I do. I hear ya loud and clear, it’s all this other garbage I got tuned out. But the real you? Well that I’m listening to with everything I got.”

“I don’t give a damn what…”

“Now hold it a sec ‘fore you get your ass up on your shoulders. Think I oughta point out that it’s you who’s not listening. I’ve told ya a billion times already that I’m not leaving. You getting all high and mighty, Top Slayer scary, ain’t changin’ a thing. Guess we gotta call it a draw, yeah? Better get ya some rest now.”

She stood there literally shaking with rage. I’d heard that expression before, but never actually seen somebody doing it. Leave it to B to do the unusual.

Her mouth just kept opening and closing with no sound coming out, and her face was getting really red. Finally she got it going:

“Go to hell!!!”

Then she roared off into the house, and I felt like laughing at her. She looked just like a little kid as she went storming off, but I’m not an idiot. B is no kid, and seriously, my shoulder was still tender enough to keep me quiet.

Okay, none of this was going easy but it was going, and it was going good. I’d been forcing her to look at what she was doing to herself and everybody else, and she wasn’t liking it at all. That was fine, I mean who’d expect any different? Point was, she was looking, and it was already getting to her in a big way. Was all going better than I’d hoped, and I had no complaints.

Wasn’t much sense in sleeping, so I decided to watch the sunrise. I went in, snagged a beer, and then headed out into the backyard. I took a sip, then sat down on this bench that was next to a bird bath. I took another swig and leaned my head back against the wood. I was tired, but my mind just wanted to keep replaying the night to me.

We’d been so good together, and it felt so right being that close to her again. Something in her made me feel like I was home whenever I was with her, a pretty neat trick since I’d never really had much of a home. But she made me feel like I was where I should be, and it felt great.

Coolest thing of the night had to be when this vamp had me pinned up against the wall of a crypt. I couldn’t get him far enough away to stake him, and he couldn’t get close enough to bite me. I was trying to figure out what to do, when I saw B smacking her vamp to the ground. I thought she was gonna stake him, but she came running towards me instead.

Without a word, she did this kick ass flying somersault that ended up with her rolling in low right behind my vamp. I shoved, and he fell over B. I went with him and staked his dead ass right on the ground. I felt like jumping to my feet for a high five, but I knew to stay down low.

Sure enough, I heard the stake as it whistled over me, and then the last vamp was dusted long distance. I hopped up and looked at her. Her face was a little flushed, there was some dirt on her chin, she was all sweaty, and a few strands had busted loose from her ponytail.

Christ, she was so sexy and…Nope, no way could I afford to go there. I knew that, but it didn’t change anything, not really. But I had lots of shit I had to do, and for sure just standing there staring at her, wasn’t gonna get any of it done.

“Thanks for the rescue, B. Fucker didn’t wanna die.”

“So I noticed.”

“Man, how cool was that? We just fell right back into a groove and…”

And she just walked off while I was in mid-sentence. Suppose to the rest of the world that’d be a bad thing, but to me it just meant I was getting to her.

There’s nothing like a crazy motherfucker with a shitload of insight to drive you right the fuck up the wall, and driving B I was. Think we’d even passed Miss Daisy a few miles back.

“Hi. You’re up early.”

“Hey, Red. Never been to bed. Was out slaying with the Slayer, and we just made it back a coupla hours ago.”

I definitely said the magic words because Willow lit up like a Christmas tree.

“Slaying? You were slaying with Buffy? How’d it go?”

She sat down on the bench and faced me, and I could tell she could hardly wait for the report.

“Went great, soon as we got all the threats, pain, and scary parts outta the way. She was a little rusty, but she got it back fast. It was fun."

“That’s so great! Did she have fun too? Was she…”

Willow started asking about a million questions at once, and it made me like her even more. She was thrilled, and fuck I’d love to have a friend who cared about me as much as she cared about B.

“…so I didn’t really know what to do about breakfast. I mean, you did say every morning at 7:00, but then you guys were out so late. Anyway, I got up just in case.”

“Glad ya did. I’m starvin’ and we need to get a new routine going. Let’s agree right here: breakfast at 7:00 every morning, no matter what’s been going on.”

“You do mean with Buffy, right?”

We both kinda laughed, but it wasn’t really a question that was meant to be funny.

“Yeah. Nuts, I know. But I want her seeing you and Xander in a normal way, everyday. We gotta break her outta this pattern of partying all night and sleeping all day. I wanna get her back into the life she belongs in, make her see the sunshine instead of just the darkness.”

“I get it, and I think it’s a great idea. But how do you plan on getting her to cooperate?”

“No fucking idea. Know she’s not gonna be happy about it, but I’m getting her up in thirty.”

“Oh boy.”

“Just gonna have to see how it goes…Maybe you can get a healing spell ready for me.”

We did that “not funny” laughing thing again, then Willow spoke up:

“Seriously though Faith, it’s not like she’s been out all night doing whatever. She’s not going to be hung over and weak like she was last time.”

“It’s a problem for sure, here’s hoping maybe she likes the idea.”

Willow’s face screwed all up as she thought it over for real:

“I don’t think there’s any way in the world she’s…”

“Yeah, I know. Well, least I got an even shot at getting her to the table. It’s the keeping her there that’s gonna be the hard part. Got no clue how to make that happen.”

Again she thought it over:

“Nope, me either…Gee, doesn’t this sound like all kinds of fun?”

“Got my doubts we’re gonna get much eating done.”

She shook her head and stood up:

“I guess I should go start the food. When I hear you coming, I’ll assume the crash position.”

“Not familiar with that one, but way appreciate the offer.”

I wiggled my eyebrows and leered at her as I said it, and she busted out into a good laugh.

“Sorry, but I can only help you out with your hungries.”

“Aw Red, c’mon. Heard this was a full service joint.”

”Nope, at least not with me.”

“Man, what a letdown. Okay then, guess I’ll have to settle for what’s on offer. Good thing I’m all mature now and don’t let my hormones run me around. Figured out how to take care of’em by myself.”

“Okay, in one way good to know. In another, way too much info.”

She was all red, but she was still smiling big.

“Red, you blushing?”

“Uh no, probably closer to combusting.”

“Why? Was just talking about exercise and meditation. What’d ya think I meant?”

“I thought you meant…well, never mind what I thought.”

My hand flew up to my heart or breast, all the same general area.

“Willow, I’m shocked! Geez, wanna get your mind outta the gutter?”

“It’s not…I mean, I didn’t…Oh shut up, Faith.”

“So what? You sayin’ you do something different?”

That was her limit.

“Stop right there! If you want anything to eat…food, I mean…You’d just better keep all further comments in your hand, I mean head. In your head.”

We both kinda got the giggles, and how nuts was it? Me and Red sharing a friendly moment, teasing back and forth like we were old buddies.

“Okay. Since ya won’t offer anything else, don’t take away the food. My lips are sealed…all of’em.”

“Faith!”

“Alright, I’m gonna be good now. For real. You go whip up the food, and I’ll bring B along. Guess we just gotta hope for the best.”

”I can definitely do that. I’ll even say a little prayer too.”

She went back in, and I sat there waiting. 7:00 came all too soon, and as I walked up the steps I felt like I was being taken to the hole. My feet were dragging, and I could see now why they always had the guards haul ya there.

No way was this gonna go smooth. Most likely I was gonna get my ass kicked again, and I can’t say it sounded like anything I wanted to be a part of. Maybe I could just head to my room and wake B up around lunch time, hell maybe supper time would be even better. Meal’s a meal, right? What’s it matter which one she shows up for?

Okay, now was for sure not the time to go all chickenshit. I had a job to do, and getting B up wasn’t gonna be any tougher than anything else. Hell, it could be easier even. I mean, what could she do that would be so…

She was topless again. Jesus, had she never heard of clothes? I mean, how hard’s it to put a friggin’ top on? And who thinks it’s okay to just flaunt yourself in the privacy of your own bedroom? What about a little consideration for the person who just keeps ignoring your personal space and barging in where they’re not invited?

Yeah, okay. Guess my little rant just proved I wasn’t in any position to complain, but damn. I’d been slaying all night and she was laying in a bed big enough for two, with all her assets on display. How much was I supposed to take?

I took a deep breath and tried to focus, not on her but what I’d come to do. The good news was she wasn’t bottomless this time.

“Hey B, rise and shine time.”

I tried saying it all cute and cheerful, almost singing it like they do in those old black and white movies. Thought I did it pretty good, but far as I remember, nobody ever got knocked back into the wall like I did. Guess I didn’t do it right.

“Get…out…of…here.”

“Hey c’mon now, Red’s got breakfast going and Xander’s gonna…”

“Leave my room!”

Shit, she was already yelling.

“Look B, I want ya up, you don’t wanna get up. We could throw down and have a big knockdown drag out, or maybe we could just compromise instead.”

“Compromise? Fine, how about I compromise my fist into your…”

“Tell ya what, you come downstairs for breakfast, and I promise to let ya have my bacon.”

“Faith…”

“Okay I know that wasn’t the greatest, but shit B, I don’t have the first clue how to compromise. Maybe you could just do me a solid and come downstairs. I’d really appreciate it.”

She got up then, and it’s kinda tough to explain what went down. Well eventually it was us that went down the stairs, rolling over and over each other. We stopped when we finally hit the bottom, and I was on top.

I tried to pin her arms, but before I could get a good grip, she swung her legs up and around my neck. I was forced to go with her or have my neck break, so of course I went with her. Next thing ya know, she’s on top.

Before she could lock down, I punched her in the face. She didn’t let go, but when she leaned back I was able to toss her to the side with a rolling motion. I stayed with her, and then I was back on top.

She tried the leg thing again, but a little pressure on her windpipe stopped that in its tracks. What it revved up though was her hand that she worked loose, curled into a fist, and then smashed right the fuck into last night’s shoulder. “Ow” is pretty much all ya need to know about that move.

I let go, and she was on her feet. Me? Still on the floor, but starting to stand. B was mad, no surprise there, and as I got up, I saw her let loose with a snap kick aimed square at my shoulder. Didn’t seem fun, so I went right back down and scissored her other leg out from under her.

She dropped hard to her knees, but it wasn’t stopping her or even slowing her down. As she moved in, I hit her in the head with the phone. Not one of the fancy new ones, not a regular one either.

This fucker was big, black, and heavy, and it looked like it’d come over on The Mayflower. It was brutal and it wasn’t fair at all, but it was wicked effective. I clocked her with it, and she went out like a light.

Red had been peeking out from the kitchen, and she was just freaked:

“Faith!!!”

“I know, but nothing else I could do. She’s gonna be comin’ around in a few, so we gotta hurry. Can ya run and grab her a top? Pretty sure she’s not gonna want Xander staring at the twins all through breakfast.”

“But Faith…you…you…”

“I knocked B cold with this ugly ass phone. Jesus, how fucking old is this thing anyways?”

“It was my grandmother’s and I…Faith, you…”

“Red, warned ya right upfront that none of this was gonna be nice. Ya gotta trust me here, I know what I’m doin’. Promise I won’t kill her, okay? Now let’s move, not much time left ‘fore she wakes up.”

She ran upstairs then, and I carried B into the dining room. I was wishing for some good chains, but rope was all I could spot during my quick look-see. Willow brought a shirt, and we got it on B and all buttoned up. Then I tied her to her chair.

Red looked like she was gonna faint, and I knew just where she was coming from. Damn, this was gonna be something. Just how mad was B gonna be? Did anybody even know a number high enough to rate it? I was way deep in a situation I didn’t wanna be in, but what the fuck else was new? Whole deal could be summed up that way, so there was no sense in bellyaching about it.

Xander arrived and never said shit. We all got our food, sat down, and got ready to eat. I sat next to B and as I reached for my plate, Xander finally spoke up:

“Wow, this sure smells good, Will. Hey, did either of you happen to notice that Buffy is unconscious and tied to her chair?”

“She didn’t wanna come to breakfast, so I hit her in the head with Grandma’s monster phone. Can ya pass the bacon?”

They wanted to get into it with me but before they could, B started stirring and groaning.

Okay now, how in the fuck to put it? B had definitely come around, and death rays were shooting outta her eyes. At me, at them, at me and them…

“Faith, have you completely lost your fucking mind?!”

“Geez B, sure seem obsessed with...”

“You hit me in the head with the goddamn phone!”

“Yeah, I did. Felt like I had to or you were gonna kill me.”

“Oh, I’m definitely going to kill you. Untie me!”

The look on her face was nothing but scary.

“Just take it easy now, B.”

“Don’t tell me what to do!”

“Just askin’, really.”

“You fucking bitch.”

She was all done with me. She turned to Willow and Xander, and they didn’t look like they were on solid ground.

“Willow, Xander, are you telling me you’re okay with this?”

Xander’s mouth opened, but no sound came out. Willow’s voice was just a shaky stutter:

“…W...Well I…I…”

“Speak up! Are you guys onboard with this or not?”

This was the moment really. Of course they weren’t onboard, not in the slightest, but they couldn’t tell her that. If they did, she’d have the upper hand and the whole thing would be over for good. They had to back me here, they had to, but it was way iffy if they were gonna. Shit I was scared, everything was at stake…

“I’d prefer that you weren’t tied up, but I am really glad to see you at the table with us. I guess that means I’m onboard because if this is what it takes, then I’ll be more than happy to start swabbing the decks.”

I couldn’t have loved Xander more than I did right at that moment.

“Me too, Buffy. This whole thing’s been so crazy, so one more crazy thing doesn’t seem so crazy, just kinda crazy, ya know? I mean, it’s crazy for sure, but not ‘crazy’ crazy and…I’m onboard too.”

I was glad I was sitting because I was so relieved, I woulda collapsed if I’d have been standing.

B still looked furious, but now she looked shocked too. The Scoobies were all shook up, but they also seemed way determined to stick with what they’d said. B was glaring at them and they looked scared, but they were staring right back at her.

The tension was getting thicker and thicker, so I figured I’d better jump in:

“Hey look B, extra bacon.”

She looked at me like she’d never seen me before, maybe she hadn’t. She kept looking, and then she just started laughing her ass off. We all joined in, and it went on for a while.

“Faith, you are absolutely unbelievable.”

“Look, I’ll feed ya, okay? What do ya want first?”

“How about untied?”

“Love to ‘cause I’m starvin’ and it’s gonna take twice as long if I gotta feed you too. Course, not like I feel like gettin’ my ass kicked either.”

“…”

“Got any ideas?”

She looked me right in the eye:

“Yes. If you untie me, I won’t leave the table. I’ll sit here calmly and eat my breakfast.”

“Wish I could believe that, B.”

“I give you my word. We’ll all have our breakfast with no trouble.”

I had my knife out the second she gave me her word.

“Works for me.”

I cut her loose ‘cause no way could I undo all the knots I had going. She didn’t speak to any of us, but she kept her word and breakfast went smooth.

Me and her ate like pigs, guess all the slaying and fighting took a lot of energy. Lucky Willow knew us ‘cause she’d made enough food to feed ten people. As it was, the four of us polished it all off.

Willow and Xander had finally relaxed a little by the time the meal was winding down, and I was busy trying to figure out how I could get B to agree to a little training session. Turned out not to be much of a problem at all. They say great minds think alike.

I never even saw the punch that sent me over the table and into the kitchen. Before I could get to my feet, B jerked me up and hit me again. I smashed into the far wall with enough force to jar loose a buncha plaster, and then she was on me again.

She hit me about four or five more times before I finally managed to get a hold of her. We did that weird kinda wrestling ya do when you’re standing up, and I used the time to try and catch my breath. Fuck, was I gonna get beaten up every fucking day?

I had to pay attention then because it was taking every ounce of strength I had not to get thrown across the room…again. All of my muscles were seriously straining, and I knew I wasn’t gonna be able to hold her off for much longer. Guess it was the same for her because we both tried to get tricky at the same time. End result was we both ended up crashing through the back door.

Now when I say “through the back door”, I mean right through it. Wood and glass went flying everywhere as me and B went sailing out onto the grass. She was up first, but I wasn’t far behind.

We were facing each other, and we started circling while we looked for an opening.

“Hey B, ya must be psychic. Was just gonna ask if ya wanted to train.”

“Really? Well I’m not sure about training, but I am positive I want to kick your stupid ass all around this yard.”

I smiled all smartass at her:

“Whoa, soundin’ a little on the hostile side. Ya mad about somethin’?”

“Mad? Me? Now what would I have to be mad about?”

I shrugged all casual while I kept a close eye on which way her hips were leaning.

“Beats me. Just sounds like ya might be holdin’ onto a grudge maybe.”

“Nope. It’s just that since breakfast is over, well I thought I might give you back a little of the joy you’ve given to me.”

“Aw, that’s really sweet, B. Glad you’re not pissed. That kinda thing’s not healthy for ya.”

She crouched slightly, and went up on the balls of her feet:

“Oh Faith, I am so going to enjoy beating you into the ground.”

“Don’t think so. Maybe you should wait a while until you…”

Her fist caught me square on the chin.

“I don’t feel like waiting.”

I faked with my left, and connected hard with the right:

“Ouch! Sure looked like that stung.”

I barely got the sentence finished before she nailed me in the ribs:

“Not as much as that did.”

“Probably true. Sure I can return the favor to ya though.”

“But F, there aren’t any phones out here. However will you manage?”

I moved in close and belted her in the stomach:

“Think I can handle it.”

“Let’s find out.”

We went at it no holds barred, and man was it fun. We danced around and around, fighting and challenging each other like no one else ever could. Her eyes were alive like I’m sure mine were, and we were both having a blast trying to get the best of one another.

I’m happy to say I kicked her ass up one side and down the other. She might be The Slayer, but wasn’t like I was some novice either. I knew how to fight, and I showed her a little something new…like how to end up on top of me while the blood ran from the corner of my mouth.

“Looks like I win again.”

“Yeah, looks like that, but a little diff without my shoulder outta place.”

“Really? How’s that?”

“Well, got no weak spots, so just gimme a sec and…”

“Oh I see a weak spot, F.”

“Don’t think so, B. I’m…”

She squirmed around on me and…shit. I looked over at where the door used to be for help, but there was no sign of Willow or Xander. She wriggled, and my heart started pounding. I looked over at the house again, and B laughed.

“What’s the matter? Can’t you handle me by yourself?”

She pushed down, and I struggled to stay still and quiet.

“You’re the cavalry, remember? There’s no one left to rescue you, you’re it.”

“Alright B, ya won fair and square. Now get off.”

“Mmm…Maybe that’s what I’m trying to do…for both of us.”

I tried to get loose for real then, but she had me at her mercy. I was really starting to panic until I looked into her eyes.

There wasn’t a hint of meanness in them, just amusement and what could almost be called happiness. All this was was old times shit, she was just teasing like we always used to do. Okay, maybe she was taking it a little further than usual, but it was the same kinda deal. She wasn’t out to hurt either of us, and I relaxed right away.

“Okay B, much as I’m enjoying this, can’t do a cold shower. Got way too many aches and pains.”

“Really? Aw…where’s it hurt, baby?”

“Everywhere. See, The Slayer’s been kicking my ass all night and day.”

“She has?”

“Yep.”

B got this cute look on her face:

“So you’re saying you’re no match for her?”

“Not sure I’d go that far, but…”

“Would you say she’s the big winner?”

I laughed:

“Declaring you the champ, alright?”

She leaned in right next to my ear, and I could feel her body pressing against mine in all the right places.

“You wanna get up?”

“If ya wouldn’t mind too much.”

“Hmm…You owe me one…F.”

After she whispered that, her tongue darted into my ear, making me jump. Then she was off me, and the moment was over.

“As the official champ, I’m taking the first shower.”

“Seems only right, but can ya make it fast? Otherwise I’m gonna be crashin’ right here.”

She started to go into the house, but then stopped and turned back to face me. She looked so much like herself, it made my heart stop for a second.

“…Faith…I…I………”

I didn’t even realize I was holding my breath until she finally managed to speak:

“Forget it.”

She hauled ass inside without even a glance back, and I watched her all the way. I knew what she wanted to say, and I understood why she couldn’t get it out. Figured even though she was gone, she deserved an answer anyway:

“Don’t worry B, I’m not gonna let go.”

CHAPTER SEVEN

To everybody’s surprise, the next three weeks went by pretty fucking smooth. I’d wake B, who now thankfully wore pajamas to bed, at 7:00 every morning for breakfast. Then we’d spar and workout for two or three hours, then clean up and check the weapons. Before we knew it, it was time for lunch.

Sometimes after, B would go for a nap, but lately she’d been skipping that. We’d just hang around, eat dinner, and then head out to patrol as soon as it was dark. It didn’t take us long to get the demon population under control, not with two Slayers on the job.

Course some days were better than others, and sometimes B was way grouchier than was pleasant, but hey we all got good days and bad days. Now granted, B’s bad days could be pretty fucking bad, no way was I gonna try and whitewash that. But I’m just saying there’d been no more fistfights, and she’d been going along with the program for the most part.

About fifteen days into it, we did have a real memorable breakfast when B totally and completely blew her top. She hadn’t spoken a word since I’d gotten her up, but we could all see she was a fucking time bomb sitting at the table. Nobody wanted to be the one to set her off so nobody talked to her, and pretty soon we weren’t talking to each other either.

Meanwhile, while the three of us were walking around on eggshells, B was getting madder and madder for no apparent reason. It was starting to freak Willow and Xander right the fuck out, and I coulda explained to’em it happens sometimes, but not when B was sitting right there. Best I could do was try to look calm while I kept on eating.

Wasn’t long before B threw her bowl of oatmeal against the wall with enough force to actually make the bowl explode. Some of the oatmeal looked like it was embedded right into the wall forever, but before any of us could check it out, B tossed her juice glass, Xander’s plate, Willow’s coffee cup, and then there went the whole coffee pot halfway across the room.

Next she stood up and threw her chair into the wall. A big chunk smashed in as two of the four legs decided to get stuck at least three inches deep. I moved quick and snatched up my plate ‘cause I knew what was next. Willow and Xander had already stepped way back, but I was still sitting there trying to finish my scrambled eggs. See, Red makes’em perfect, all light and fluffy and…

B grabbed the table and flung it over, clearing it of everything that was left on it. Shit flew everywhere, but what broke my heart was when I saw the mostly untouched plate of French toast hit the floor. Shit, I didn’t even get one piece of it, and it looked delicious. Was all golden brown and…

B walked right up to me and stared into my eyes for like five seconds, then she turned and stomped off into the backyard. I gulped down the last of my eggs, sat the plate down on the counter, and flipped the table back up like it was supposed to be. I gave the Scoobies my best reassuring smile, but their reaction told me I was still giving off psychotic. Thought I’d better try some words:

“Guys, it’s okay. Just builds up on ya sometimes.”

I went out back where B was waiting and pacing, and for the next hour and a half, she used me as a punching bag. By the end of it she was looking a whole lot less crazy, and I was so sore I knew no way could I make it up the stairs. I decided to just sit my ass in a lawn chair and give myself some time to recover.

B went in without a word, but she was back a coupla minutes later with a bottle of water and a first aid kit.

“Here.”

“Thanks B, water sounds perfect.”

She got down on her knees and started cleaning some blood off my cheek with a lot of gentleness. I drained the bottle and let out a big sigh:

“Man, quite a workout today.”

She didn’t say a thing for a few, then her voice came out kinda low:

“…Yeah…Are you…Are you okay?”

“Hey, Slayer here, remember? Takes a lot more than that to kill me.”

“I’m…I don’t know what I was…I guess…I was pissed, okay?”

“Fine with me. Completely understand.”

“…Okay.”

She started fiddling around with the first aid kit again, and I tapped her on the arm:

“B?”

It took her a while, but she finally looked up:

“It’s no big, really. I’m not hurt, just sore. No permanent damage.”

“I shouldn’t have…”

“Oh c’mon, we were sparring, you were pissed, and ya kicked my ass…again. Seems like a normal day to me.”

She smiled then.

“I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted. But better save it for the dining room. Pretty sure you hurt its feelings.”

“Oh shit. I can’t believe I…”

“Gotta say my fave’s the way you rearranged the chairs. Never thought of sinking one into the wall like that.”

“I must have…”

“Gonna be a little tough to sit in, but…”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Positive.”

She stood up looking all embarrassed:

“I’m just going to go in and see if…”

“Yeah, good idea. Gonna take you or me to get that chair loose.”

She took off into the house, and I got no idea what went on in there. I just stayed as still as I could, looking way forward to the time when the full body throbbing was gonna stop.

Say what ya want, but B still packs a powerful punch. And although my days of wanting to get the piss pounded outta me were long gone, I was glad she was getting it out of her system. Better on me than a cell wall. Them fuckers are hard and they don’t give at all.

So it was an interesting time, even had an escape attempt go down…twice. This one night out on patrol, B said she was tired and wanted to knock off early. I didn’t much give a shit, but something about her was ringing my alarm bells. I played it cool though, and we went home.

We said goodnight, went into our bedrooms, and then I went right the hell out my window as quietly as I could. Once I’d cleared the house, I grabbed a chair and went to sit in the shadows to wait. Was a pretty night, lots of stars were out.

‘Bout an hour passed, then here she came sneaking out her window. She was moving real slow and quiet, if I’da been in my room, I never woulda heard her. I let her hit the ground before I spoke up:

“Hiya B, decide to finish the patrol after all?”

She jumped and let out this funny little yell:

“Faith! God, you scared the hell out of me.”

“So I saw. Guess this is the night for Slayers to be where we’re not supposed to be. Thought you were all tired and shit?”

“…”

“Listen B, you’re not a prisoner. Ya wanna go out? No problem, just can’t go without me.”

“I don’t need a babysitter!”

I stood up and stretched out the kinks:

“Normally agree with that, but ‘til I’m sure ya wanna live a long and healthy life, ya got one. So where we headed? Night out sounds good to me.”

“Fuck you, Faith.”

“Nah, don’t really need that. Be way happy with a few drinks and some dancing. Hope the music’s good, nothing worse than…”

She climbed back up the tree.

“Aw c’mon B, ya gotta be such a big baby? Not like I’m some stick in the mud. Bigger party girl than you for years. Let’s go and…”

She leaned back out her window, all pissed off:

“I’m sick of this and I’m sick of you. I want to have some fun!”

“That really what it was, Buffy? Big fun putting a buncha drugs into your body, then screwing some lowlife to ease the pain?”

“Shut up!”

“Ya wanna have fun? Cool, let’s go tear it up. No drugs, and if your partner of choice is somebody ya don’t really know, well no. Otherwise, I got no say in what you…”

“I hate you! Go to hell!”

Then the window slammed shut. Couldn’t really blame her. If it was me, I’d be pissed too.

I know firsthand that Slayers can’t get addicted. Trust me, I’d still be at Betty Ford’s if they could. Plus B hadn’t shown any signs of that before now, so it wasn’t like she was jonesing for anything.

All that was wrong with her was that she had cabin fever, plain and simple. I sympathized, but that was just too bad. She was staying in the cabin unless I got to ride along. That was nonnegotiable.

Next morning it all seemed fine. After a good sparring session, B went up to shower and take a nap. I hung around downstairs carving out some stakes while I watched TV. When lunch time rolled around, Red asked me to go get Buffy.

I stood up and brushed a few scraps of wood offa me:

“Can’t. She’s not here.”

“She’s not…Where is she?”

“Not sure. She snuck out about an hour ago.”

Red’s eyebrows shot up into her hairline:

“What?!”

“She had a little tantrum last night. Guess it carried through to today.”

I was starving, so naturally I started heading into the kitchen where we always ate lunch. Red grabbed my arm with a pretty firm grip. I wanted to say “Ow”, but I was too tough for that.

“Faith, she could be anywhere right now. We need to…A locator spell! I’ll do a locator spell, then you can go get her and...”

“Don’t worry, Red.”

”’Don’t worry’? ‘Don’t worry’? I’m worrying, Faith! I’m worrying like you wouldn’t believe.”

I was trying to gently peel her hand off my arm, but I wasn’t having much luck. Her nails were digging in, and her grip was kinda pinching my skin. Slayers got nerve endings too, ya know?

“Willow, she’s fine. I’ll find her at sundown.”

“But what if she leaves town? What if she gets someone to do a concealment spell and she just takes off? Do you know how long it could take to find her?!”

I had my arm free with my dignity more or less hanging tough. I did rub it a little bit, but I made it look all casual even though my eyes were watering.

“She hasn’t left town and she’s not gonna. That’d be way too chickenshit even if she wanted to, which she doesn’t. Trust me, I got it covered.”

Willow wasn’t happy, but she nodded and didn’t say another word about it.

Sunset came, and I went looking. I found her at the third place I checked. I just stood and watched her for awhile. She was dancing, sorta sexy and shit, but not way over the top. She just looked like a girl out for a good time.

After a few, I slid in behind her and began dancing too. She wasn’t surprised to see me, I knew she’d felt me as soon as I arrived. We never said a word. We just danced and worked up a sweat until B grabbed my hand and led me over to the bar.

She wasn’t the slightest bit angry, in fact she was smiling at me.

“So you found me.”

“Looks like.”

“Well that was…Two beers, Steve.”

“Coming right up, Buffy.”

We got our beers ahead of everybody else, and I didn’t see any money change hands. I decided to let it go. The guy looked alright, and he looked at her with respect.

“So you were sayin’?”

She took a huge swig of her beer, and then looked over at me:

“I was saying, that was the shortest bout of freedom ever.”

“B, c’mon. Told ya the deal already, and believe me when I tell ya this is nowhere near prison.”

She looked a little on the sad side as she stared off into space for a second:

“There are all kinds of prisons, I guess.”

“That’s for sure. Look, wanna forget all of this shit for awhile and just have fun tonight?”

Her smile started coming back:

“But what about patrolling? Our sacred duty and all that.”

I drained my bottle and gave her my most wicked smile:

“I look like The Council to you, Blondie? Original bad girl here, remember? Screw it, let’s do a little damage.”

So we did. We went all night and had the most fucking fun you could have. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had such a good time.

We walked home not saying much, just kinda living in the glow of a really great night. As we got near the house, B started laughing.

“What’s the joke, B?”

“It’s just…Everything’s so crazy.”

“Yeah, could definitely say that.”

“I mean, I hate your guts but I just had the best time I’ve had in years. And I had it with you, because of you. It’s just crazy.”

“B, trust me. This is nowhere near crazy.”

We both went nuts over that, laughing until we were practically bawling.

“God Faith, I just don’t know.”

“Nothing to know. Was a great night, B.”

She looked me, all smiles and all Buffy like:

“…Yeah, it really was.”

“…Yeah…Okay then…Well, see ya in…117 minutes.”

“Faith, come on! Can’t we skip breakfast just this once?”

Sure. If you look that cute and sexy, you can do whatever the fuck you…

“You know we can’t. Got a rou…”

“…tine to keep to. Wow, you really are The Council!”

She wasn’t the slightest bit mad though, just yanking my chain.

“That’s me baby, undercover Council tight ass.”

“Someone like you would have to be way undercover. Can you even imagine? It’d be so hysterical to see you there.”

I was pretty sure that was something we were never gonna see.

“Scary, for sure. Down to 115 now, Slayer.”

“Fine, fine.”

She turned to head inside, but then she turned back to me:

“Goodnight, Faith.”

“Night, B.”

I did my best to ignore that it felt like the end of a date, and went up to my room to catch my precious 110 minutes of sleep…

Yeah, right. I spent every one of those goddamn minutes just imagining how I wished the night could have ended. The few seconds I managed to get those thoughts blocked out, I kept seeing her smile and how it made her eyes all…Was a long night, a long two hours. Whatever it was, it was way more than long enough.

Anyways, everything had been on a major upswing. B was coming back in all kinda ways, and we all could see it. It was pretty fucking exciting, and Willow and Xander were loving it.

I was pretty psyched myself, but I knew there was still plenty more to do. I had to get Giles and Dawn to come back, and I needed to get B talking about Spike. Damn, poor Spike.

In all the commotion, I hadn’t had much time to think about him. I’d liked him right off, kinda against my will, and I saw from the get go he loved Buffy. And man, did he ever show some balls back in Sunny D when he took us all on. Respected the fuck outta him, and over the years, that respect did nothing but grow.

He believed in B. No doubts. No questions, not anything but pure and rock solid devotion. He was a smart guy, he knew all of her and he loved her because of it. He didn’t let her pull any shit either, he called her on it when he had to, but nothing shook his faith in her.

I wasn’t the least bit surprised he went out like he did. He’d have done anything to keep Buffy and Dawn safe, and that’s just what he did. Know he was glad for the chance, and as far as I was concerned, the bastard had gone out like a hero. That was twice now.

All he’d ever get from me was my respect and gratitude, and if I ran into him in the afterlife, I had his back. Far as I could see he was just like Angel, and that’s pretty high praise from me. I guess you could say it’s just about the highest.

Okay, bringing the runaways home was gonna be the easiest of the two, so I’d start with that. Could toss Angel into the “runaways” category, but he’d keep. Sure he was freaked out, but he wasn’t pissed off or hurt.

I knew he understood what was going on, and I knew he knew it wasn’t directed at him. Sure he was torn up that he couldn’t help her, but he’d be back the second he got the all clear. That left just Giles and Dawn to worry about right now.

B was gonna be mad, but nothing could be done about that. Nothing here was easy, that’s just how it was. Me keeping the peace and livin’ large on B’s good side, well that wasn’t what I was here for. I had a job to do, and it wasn’t gonna get done if I kept trying to hold her hand while we frolicked together through the daisies.

Gotta admit I was digging it though, even if I do hate flowers. But I knew what I had to do and how I had to do it, so that was that. What the hell time was it in England anyways?

I could just sit quietly and try to figure it out…Yeah right, like I got any clue how to do that. Not like I give a shit either. No matter what time it was, it was time for them to come back. That news wasn’t gonna make’em happy, no matter what the freakin’ clock had to say.

The time for them to return was now. Not when they’d all come to terms, not when everybody was in a good place emotionally, and definitely not when they were all sobbing with guilt at B’s funeral. Nope, the time was now, as in right the fuck.

Sure be nice if somebody else could give’em the news, somebody they didn’t hate. But there wasn’t anybody else, so we were all gonna have to deal. Sure was a shitty sitch B had stuck us in, but what could be done about that? Was what it was, we were where we were, and that was that. Just had to accept it and move along.

No time like the present, but I needed a beer. I went, snagged a bottle and the cordless phone, then headed back outside. I polished off most of my beer before I started hitting the memory buttons. Third one gave me the number I needed.

The phone rang weird, and on I guess it was the fourth ring, Giles himself answered:

“…Ah…Yes, hello?”

Musta been nighttime ‘cause he sounded a little out of it.

“Slayer # 2 here. B’s still alive, so this ain’t that call.”

“Hello, Faith. While it’s most reassuring to hear that Buffy is all right…”

“Didn’t say she’s ‘all right’, said she’s alive.”

“Yes well, despite that ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak scenario, I presume there is another reason for this call?”

“Can the stuffy British hotshot shit, G-man. Reason for this ray of sunshine is to let you and Squirt know it’s time to get your asses home.”

There was a long pause, I guess he was thinking what to say. I studied the clouds, one of’em looked just like this guy I used to know.

“…Faith, while I appreciate your obviously heartfelt belief in what you are saying, I do not believe that you are fully apprised of the situation nor the circumstances that…”

“Then ya believe wrong. Got all the info I need.”

“I suppose it seems that way to you, but you’ve no true idea of the things that Buffy has done. They aren’t the sort of incidents that can be easily forgotten or forgiven, so I’m afraid I must…”

“Didn’t ask ya to forget or forgive.”

He did this big sigh, and it was like I could see him. I knew he had his fingers squeezing the bridge of his nose, his glasses lifted offa his face, and in just a sec he was gonna whip’em off and look all pissed.

“Please understand, I don’t feel it necessary to engage in the particulars with you. Suffice it to say…”

“Yeah? Then let me engage you in some particulars. Along with a buncha other crap, B’s been gyrating on top of me doing a lap dance a hooker couldn’t match. She’s also treated me to a torture session the fuckin’ CIA wouldn’t approve of, and she’s been beatin’ the snot outta me on a daily basis. Them particulars particular enough for you?”

He didn’t say shit, so I plowed on:

“Point’s way simple: I don’t give a good or bad goddamn what went down. You’re her Watcher, and you can’t be doing a very good job with your ass in another fucking country. But way more important, you’re Giles and she needs you here.”

Nope, no more words from Rupert Giles. Moving on:

“And since I hear ya breathin’ Dawnie, gonna tell you straight up too. You’re B’s only blood left. She needs you, and she needs you right now. Ya don’t wanna come? Too fucking bad. B died for you when you were nothing but a ball of energy parading your annoying ass around like a family member.”

I heard her clear her throat, and I waited. She got nothing out, and I was all done listening:

“B’s never given any indication you two aren’t sisters, well this is what a sister’s gotta do. You both better be here just as fast as you can or I’m gonna make way uncomfortable arrangements for your return. Enough of this horseshit, get back here. Buffy needs you.”

I slammed the phone down…Well okay, I pushed the “End” button. Fucking cordless phones really take all the satisfaction of a big dramatic hang-up right outta your hands.

I wasn’t worried, they’d be here. No doubt at all. See, that’s the coolest thing about all of’em. They could have their own deals going, could all fuck up big time, but when it got real, they did too. And this sitch was just as real as anything was ever gonna get.

’Sides, I could hear it in his voice. Even though he’d been doing his whole “Masterpiece Theatre” thing, all that really came down the line was how much he missed her, how worried he was about her. Giles loved Buffy, and being without her was absolutely killing him. Everybody knew that.

As I sat in the yard just thinking, I found myself getting more and more pissed. Not at Giles and Dawn, but at B. She had all these people who loved her and she was acting like it didn’t matter. She was treating them like shit, all because she thought it’d be better for them to get away from her.

She just kept hurting them, doing all kinds of shit they didn’t deserve, and yet they still kept hanging on. Even the ones she’d forced to run were just sitting around waiting to be called back to duty. Fuck, I was so pissed if she’d have come out the door, I would have had trouble not beating her to death.

Gotta say when the door opened right then, it was a freaky deaky moment. But it was just Willow, so good news there. I wasn’t gonna have to commit Murder One, and that was a huge relief. I’d already done enough killing to last me a whole buncha lifetimes.

Red was sure looking a lot better, way more rested than when I’d first seen her at my house. Guess that made sense since she wasn’t having to carry around all the weight anymore. I had a lot of it now, and following my logic, I must really look like shit.

“Hi. Want company or is this necessary alone time?”

“Company’s wanted and needed like ya wouldn’t believe.”

She sat down next to me, all happy and up:

“Okay, good. Whatcha doing?”

“Sitting here planning to beat B to death.”

“Oh. So what did she do now?”

I blew out the world’s biggest breath as I leaned my head back against the bench:

“Nothing, she’s been fine. I called Giles and Dawn just now and told’em they had to come home. The way B treated them is just pissing me off, no big. Hey, what’s the time diff there? Couldn’t figure it out, course not like I tried. Still, be good to…”

“They’re coming?”

“Yeah.”

“They’re coming here?! Giles and Dawn are coming to this house?!”

“Yeah.”

She hopped up, then sat down and hopped up again.

“How did you…”

“Ah you know, sometimes the same old story sounds fresh coming from somebody who don’t know her ass from a hole in the ground. They wanna come back Willow, just looking for any excuse to get here. I gave it to’em, plus tossed in some threats and guilt for good measure. They’ll be here, for sure.”

She sat back down, and I don’t know how she could have looked any happier.

“…Um…Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“No offense, okay?”

“Haven’t taken any so far.”

“I just never knew you were this smart.”

Oh fuck me, I just about busted a gut laughing.

When I got myself back under control, I almost lost it again. I hung on, but I kept doing this way uncool snorting noise.

“Can’t take offense at that, Red. It’s not that I’m so smart, just got a knack for readin’ people. Plus don’t forget, I’ve been here before, right in the middle of this big mess. That’s really all I got going.”

“Well it’s really something.”

“Just wish this had never happened to her.”

“Me too, but she’s so much better now. She’s really doing great.”

“Yeah, think it’s goin’ our way.”

I stared off into space, and suddenly Willow reached over and pulled me into a hug. As she did it, she kissed me on the cheek, and I had no clue what the fuck was going on. Didn’t even know I was crying until I found myself returning her hug like I was lost at sea.

Musta been quite a sight. Me, the big tough psycho, sobbing like a baby while Willow, the little softy, gave me her strength. It went on a lot longer than I wanted, but I finally got my shit together. I was embarrassed, but what can ya do?

I laughed, and then she did too.

“Alright Red, breathe a word about this and…”

“No way am I going to cross the scary mean Slayer. The fact that you’re a real human being with real human feelings? I’ll take that secret to my grave.”

“Good…Seriously Willow, thanks. Guess it kinda caught up with me. ‘Sides, you know firsthand how fucking nuts I am.”

Her hand squeezed mine for a second, and her smile made me feel even better:

“I understand, Faith. While we’re at it, I want to apologize. I’ve never treated you like I should have, well maybe when you went crazy and I was scared of you. But I mean after that, when it was clear you’d changed. No matter what happens, when this is all over I hope we can be friends. I’d really like that.”

I smiled big ‘cause man, did I feel like a million bucks.

“That sounds really good to me. Guess gettin’ stuck with B and Xander all these years has been kinda rough on ya. I’m definitely top of the line, course the downside’s I’m crazy as hell and way unpredictable.”

“Well, I almost destroyed the world so…”

“Guess we’re a perfect match then.”

“Yep, although maybe not one made in heaven.”

We sat quiet for awhile, just enjoying the fact that we didn’t actually hate each other after all.

“Hey, Faith?”

“Uh-huh?”

“Are you going to…I mean, should we…any of us…some of us…maybe all of us…Should we tell Buffy that they’re coming?”

“Not if we want her here when they show up. Look, don’t say shit and I’ll handle it.”

She looked all upset, cripes was it her turn to start bawling?

“But she’s going to be really mad, and you guys are getting along so great now. I hate for all of that to be ruined and…”

“Just had that conversation with myself, and know what I realized? I’m not here to be B’s best pal. I’m here to pull her clear of this shit, and I can’t worry about anything else when it comes to her. ‘Sides, the dirty work’s all mine, remember? Gotta keep you clean so she’s got somebody to turn to. Not gonna matter if she ends up hating me.”

“I know…It sucks though.”

“Yeah.”

She still looked all sad, and there was no real way to make it any better.

“Hey c’mon Red, cheer up.”

She gave me a lame smile, but at least she was trying.

“Sorry, I just really hate this.”

“Another thing we got in common. Damn, think we’re destined for each other.”

“The similarities are eerie.”

I wiggled my eyebrows at her and got all sexy:

“Hey, wanna hook-up and take over the world?”

“Hmm…I’d like to, but I have some research to do later.”

“Aw c’mon Red, let’s do somethin’ really bad.”

She thought it over for a few, then her face lit up:

“I know, if Xander brings doughnuts tomorrow, let’s take a bite out of each one and put it back in the box!”

Christ. My new friend was a dork, and I was hoping to keep her.

CHAPTER EIGHT

So we waited, and life carried on. B was getting better and better as each day passed, and there were no more fights, no more sneak outs, no more big temper tantrums. She was spending time with Willow and Xander, and she was acting much more like her old self. She was way into our routine, and the main reason for that was because she loved the sparring after breakfast.

There are only two Slayers in the world, and it was so cool to be able to fight and not have to worry about hurting the other person. You could just cut loose and let everything you had in ya come right the fuck out. The person on the receiving end could take it, and she could give it right back. Add in the feeling of belonging, at least for me, and it was totally addictive.

We’d go at it, and Willow and Xander would watch...Yeah, less said about their crazy ass cheers and songs, the better for everybody. Me and B challenged each other every time, taking it right to the limit. We couldn’t have had more fun if we’d been stuck inside a barrel of monkeys.

Yep, was going good, and the day was just like all the other ones. Lunch was over and we were all in the front room. Red was doing some computer bullshit for her job, and Xander and B were watching some soap opera on the Spanish channel. I was completely stretched out, nodding off on the couch and doing my best to pretend like I wasn’t. Was just about at that stage where there’s no return, when the doorbell rang.

Red announced to three completely uninterested people that she’d get it. Yeah great, you do that. Take pictures, make notes, and I’ll catch ya on the flip side. I let go, and just as I headed off for the best nap ever…

Willow came back into the room followed closely by Giles and Dawn. That sight woke me right the fuck up, and I took a deep breath and sat up. Time kinda stood still, and the only sounds in the room were in Spanish.

Everybody was looking like just about every emotion you could think of, and it was tough to think what to say. Xander didn’t seem too affected. He jumped up and grabbed Dawn in a hug that had him twirling her around:

“Dawnster! Now you are a sight for sore eye!”

She laughed, giggled actually ‘cause what else could she do when Xander turned on the charm? He finally put her down, then treated Giles to his very own bone crushing hug.

“Hi, Giles! Welcome home!”

“Thank you, Xander."

Then that was over, and only the people who spoke Spanish felt like talking. I knew I had to hop in, and I also knew nobody was gonna be greeting me all happy and nice any time soon. People tend to get pissed when ya order’em around, threaten’em, and lay all the guilt ya can on’em. Go figure.

“G-man, Squirt. Glad you’re here.”

“Faith.”

“Psycho.”

“So how was your trip?”

“Like you care.”

“Quite pleasant for a flight of that duration.”

B wasn’t talking or moving, so I guess Giles decided to take the bull by the horns:

“Hello Buffy, it’s good to see you again.”

“Is it?”

“Yes, of course it is.”

B was all ice and anger:

“Gee, how long’s it been this time?”

Giles looked more than a little pissed, but before he could answer Dawn jumped in:

“Hi Buffy, can I get a hug?”

“Do you want one?”

“Of course I do. I missed you…a lot.”

“I hear that tends to happen when you move to the other side of an ocean.”

Props to Dawnie ‘cause she ignored Buffy’s bullshit and forced the hug anyway. What she received for all her hard work was the shittiest return hug I’ve ever seen.

And it didn’t last long because B pulled away:

“Excuse me.”

Her eyes had pretty much been burning a hole in me since the arrivals had arrived, and with one last look of fire, she headed up the stairs. We all heard her door slam shut, and the second it did, Giles spun around to face me:

“Ah yes Faith, I believe we can all see just how imperative it was for Dawn and myself to return. Clearly Buffy is beside herself with joy at our presence.”

“Look, I get it’s hard, but B’s just freaking right now. This is a total blindside for her, and she doesn’t know how to act.”

Dawn piped up:

“Maybe trying not to be a complete bitch would be a good way to go.”

“Agree with ya there, but…”

“Besides, she didn’t look scared to me. She looked mad.”

“Yeah Squirt, she is. But it’s not at you guys, she’s mad at me.”

Dawn looked at me maybe a little surprised, but she recovered quick enough:

“Oh, okay. Well in that case, I’m fine with her whole bitch approach.”

“I know this is tough on you guys, but I also know you love B and want her back. It’s not gonna be easy at first, and it’s not gonna run perfect, but it will get way better real fast if you stay. Buffy needs you guys here.”

Giles looked a little unconvinced:

“And your assessment is based on what exactly?”

“My gut and my own experience with what B’s going through.”

Dawn’s eyes just about rolled offa her face:

“So we should all listen to you because you used to be a crazy bitch too?”

“I get it, okay Dawnie? You’re mad at me, probably for a whole shitload of reasons, but you know I’m only trying to help out. So far, I’ve been able to. Could ya just try and put stuff aside and work with me here? For B, if nothing else?”

She stared down at the floor for a few, then looked me right in the eye:

“Okay, for Buffy. But I’m still mad at you.”

“Understood. G-man, where ya standing?”

He sighed and had that look people get when they’re doing the exact opposite of what they think they should be doing:

“I suppose where I always am…at Buffy’s side. We shall follow your lead, at least for the time being. I’m aware that you care a great deal for Buffy, and I fully recognize that your insight into this situation is not something to be taken lightly. We shall place our…”

He gave me a smile. It was tiny but hey, I took it and was happy to get it.

“…faith in you.”

“Okay, that’s great! Red and Patch can fill ya in on what you’ve missed. I should head up and talk to B.”

“Should we call 911 now, or just wait until we see your body parts come flying down the stairs?”

I laughed, even though in one way it wasn’t funny. But it was, ya know?

“Wow, great pep talk. No matter what Dawn, I’m really glad to see you again. I missed you.”

“……I missed you too…And thanks so much for all the calls and letters. They really meant a lot.”

“I know. Later, okay? Can barely handle one pissed off Summers chick at a time.”

“Definitely later…you can count on that.”

Scary talk, and she sounded just like B when she said it. Least she was smiling a little though, and I just caught myself before I ruffled her hair. Christ, would that have ever been the fucking kiss of death.

Five plus years had passed, and it was clear Squirt was no longer a little kid. Should probably stop calling her that, but shit, I loved that nickname. Maybe I could negotiate down the line somewhere.

The four of them sat down to catch up, and they looked like just what they were: a family getting back together. Figured I looked like just what I was too: an outsider going it alone as usual. Shitty how the things you’d like to change, never really do. It sucks.

I took a wild stab and decided I shouldn’t have the self-pity cranked all the way up when I talked to B…But fuck, why do I always find myself in these crap ass situations? I mean, in case nobody got the memo, I’m reformed now. I’m all about fighting the good fight, taking one for the team, doing the whole “rah, rah, rah” deal.

Yeah, I’m on the good side now, and still I get this kinda shit for my reward. Maybe I oughta go all evil again. Was good at it, and at least I got a kick ass apartment outta the deal.

Course there was the mental breakdown, and then B carving me up like a Thanksgiving Day turkey. Pretty big downside when ya think about it. Just about the biggest one ever.

Screw that, that’s not me anymore anyways. I’m all about the good deeds now, so I knocked and waited. By my unofficial count, she made me wait almost three minutes.

“Come in.”

I braced myself, hoped for the best, and went in.

“Hi.”

She was sitting in a chair by the window, facing out, but she turned to greet me.

“Wow, I can’t believe it’s you. You never knock, I didn’t think you even knew how.”

“B, I know you’re mad, but right now the important thing is…”

“Mad? Why would I be mad?”

“…I’m sorry, really I am, but I’m not sorry I asked them to come home. I’m not sorry I didn’t tell you either.”

God, her eyes were so cold.

“Why Faith, that is the best apology I’ve ever heard. Gee, when something’s so beautiful and heartfelt, well what else can I do but forgive you? Apology accepted.”

“I know it’s a big fucking mess B, but shit’s gotta get done no matter what. I am sorry, but no way could I give you the heads-up.”

She smiled at me, but it didn’t make me feel better:

“Boy, you really don’t listen to a word I say, do you? I just said I accepted your apology, so don’t worry about it anymore. No hard feelings.”

The tone in her voice and the look on her face weren’t doing a thing to sell her words. She was mad, she was scared, and she looked really hurt.

“Much as I wanna say different, you know as well as me if I’da told ya, you wouldn’t be here right now.”

“Maybe. I guess we’ll never know, will we?”

“Okay B, you can be as pissed as ya wanna, but…”

“Thanks for your permission.”

“…right now you need to go downstairs and give this a real chance.”

She stood up slowly, that scary smile back on her face:

“Or?”

“What?”

“What do you plan to do about it if I don’t? You gonna try and make me, F? Huh? Gonna get all tough and mean again?”

She shoved me back a step or two, more than spoiling for a fight.

“Whoa, never said anything like that. Not making any threats here, was just making a friendly suggestion.”

“Oh, I see. So is that what we are now? Are we friends, Faith?”

“…Like to think so.”

“Yeah, I’ll just bet you would.”

I wanted out, but I had nowhere else to go.

“…B…”

“Again I have to say I’m surprised, I had no idea you were even capable of offering a friendly suggestion. I mean, I know you can do all kinds of things…God knows I’ve seen them all.”

“Don’t do this.”

“It’s quite a list, isn’t it? Remember how you tried to torture me? That was nothing but big fun, right? Just like when you smacked my mom around. And what about the time you tried to kill Angel? Boy, you sure are a great shot with a bow and arrow. It’s a shame you couldn’t see for yourself just how much he suffered.”

I told myself to walk away, but it was like my legs weren’t attached to me, so I just kept standing there staring at the floor.

“Hey, what was that Professor’s name? You know, the man you murdered just because the Mayor told you to? Now that is true devotion, killing someone without really even knowing why. You never told me what he said right before you killed him. Did he cry? Beg for his life? Was he brave or did he try to run?”

I kinda collapsed down onto the bed, and just sat there. There wasn’t much else I could do, not much else I felt like doing.

“Well, whatever. My point is: I knew you were an expert at murder and betrayal and causing pain, I just never knew you could offer up the delicate touch a ‘friendly suggestion’ usually requires. You’re just full of surprises, I guess I forgot that somehow.”

My voice came out all shaky ‘cause that’s what I was:

“…So you’re mad, coming through loud and clear. Doesn’t mean you gotta haul us all the way back to……”

“Gee, you don’t look so good. It’s not something I said, is it?”

“……Giles and Dawn are back, they’re right the fuck downstairs. Really wanna blow it ‘cause you’re pissed at me?”

She actually paused like she was thinking it over, but we both knew she already knew what she was gonna say. The delay was just to make it hurt more, to make it seem like there was any chance for me at all before she yanked it away.

“You’re right. I don’t want to ruin something this important because of you. You’re not worth it.”

“…”

“I guess I should just look at this like you had my best interests at heart. That is what friends do, isn’t it?”

She headed for the door like she had no worries or cares:

“Besides, we’re both big girls. We know sometimes things can get a little rough, and sometimes even the best of friends upset each other. I’ve done a lot of that recently…”

“B, don’t…”

“…just not to the right friend. But don’t you worry, I’m positive I can make up for it now that I understand the situation.”

There was nothing left for me to say, and she turned to go.

“Oh, and F?”

She waited until I brought my eyes up to meet hers:

“Thank you for being my friend. I’ll do my best to show you just how much I appreciate it.”

***************

Willow came up about half an hour later to check on me. I was still just sitting on the edge of B’s bed.

“Faith, how’d it…Never mind, I can see how it went. What happened?”

“…It’s okay, just head back down.”

“It’s obviously way far from okay. Tell me what she said.”

“Willow…I just need a little more time here and I’ll be fine.”

“But…”

“Please? Please just go back downstairs.”

She didn’t look at all happy about it.

“…Okay…if you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. Don’t worry, okay?”

She hugged me, then left looking all worried. I knew I had to pull myself together because based on her reaction, I must have looked like shit warmed over.

Okay, I was tougher than this, and now I had to prove it. I’d known from the second I placed the call that B was gonna be pissed, and I also knew it was gonna change things between us. Well she was and it had, no surprise there. I’d said I could handle it, now I had to.

‘Sides, it wasn’t like B’d torn me a new one. It was just the same old one, complete with the big door slam to keep me out. But it meant the closeness we’d been sharing the last few weeks was all over now, and no matter how I tried to make it otherwise, that thought had me feeling devastated.

It had felt so good being her friend, but now that was gone. We were heading right back to the beginning and I didn’t wanna go there, but going there I was. B was taking us back full speed ahead, and there was fuck all I could do about it.

The problem was, no matter what shit I’d been spouting, no matter how many warnings I’d given myself, I’d let my guard down and started hoping again. I’d been feeling closer to her than ever before, and I’d been loving it. The longer it went, the more I started kidding myself it meant something. Like maybe somewhere down the line it was gonna maybe somehow mean something else.

I'm such a fucking dumb ass. Here we were, standing right at the goddamn critical point, and I'm trying to blow it all by going to pieces like a lovesick little girl. I’d let myself get all caught up in the dream of being Buffy’s whatever, even though I’d been shown time after time that I would never really mean anything to her.

Wasn’t anything new. I’d known all about it when I’d first signed on for this do or die mission, so I couldn’t pretend I never saw it coming. Couldn’t blame anybody else, not even B, ‘cause it was my own stupid fault. I’d just let the last few weeks wipe what I knew to be true right the fuck outta my head.

Well, it was time to toughen up. Yeah sure, I felt like I could cry forever, but I needed to focus on something positive like…like the worst was over now. I'd gotten smacked upside the head with a painful punch of reality, but shit, I could deal. I'm nothing but a realist.

'Cept that part about the worst part bein' over? That wasn’t real at all, the worst was still coming. Buffy knew exactly how I felt, that’s why she’d had all the “friend” comments going. She’d attacked me right where it hurt the most, and it wasn’t likely she was gonna be stopping any time soon.

Fine. B could be a real bitch when she put her mind to it, absolutely. I’d learned that from years of experience, and no way was I gonna pretend I didn’t know her, the good and the bad. But I was starting to see some other shit, and that’s all this was.

None of it had anything to do with why I was here, this thing between me and B didn’t matter at all. Well okay it mattered, especially to me, but it didn’t matter to the matter at hand, is what I mean. It was all just a big fucking smokescreen that was only gonna get us off track if I let it. Nice try by B though, deliberate or otherwise, but never gonna happen.

Everything was coming to a head now, and that was where my attention had to stay. B could blow all the smoke she wanted to, let her blow it outta her ass if that floated her boat. But me? I still had a job to do, and I was gonna do it, no matter what.

I like to finish what I start, even if it kills me. At this point, that possibility looked like more than even odds. Guess that makes it kinda tough to know where to place your bets.

It’s not really tough at all though, just seems like that when you’re looking at the surface shit. Ya gotta dig down to where the real stuff is, then it all gets clear-cut as hell. And if I was betting, I’d bet it all on me, even my ride home money.

There’s not too many things in this fucked up world anybody can call a sure thing. Gotta grab onto those when ya manage to spot’em, so I’m sending out notice to anybody who gives a shit: time to grab right the fuck on.

Buffy Summers is not getting away, no way, no how. There’s not a surer thing in the whole fucking world, and I guarantee it. Talk’s cheap though, so I’ll put my money right where my mouth is: I’m all in now, everything I got.

CHAPTER NINE

We didn’t patrol that night ‘cause B seemed to think it was more important to sit in silence with Giles and Dawn all night. Maybe it was. When I went to wake her up the next morning, she was back to being topless. Guess it was her way of making me uncomfortable again.

Our routine was still in place, but it wasn’t like it had been. The sparring wasn’t fun, it was brutal. Instead of going all-out, B hit only to hurt. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to a non-Slayer, but it does to me. She hit me in every painful spot she could find, even if she had to create’em first.

The whole week went that way, and it wasn’t just the sparring. B did all kinds of stuff to hurt me, and I’m not gonna go over it all again. Was more than painful enough the first time around.

Can say that what made it all worse was the polite front she had showing. She’d tear me up one side and down the other, all with this smile on her face that never came anywhere near her eyes. I had no clue how long she could keep it going, but I had no doubt I was gonna be finding out.

There was nothing for me to do but suck it up, then do that whole bleeding to death inside thing. The good news in the whole sitch was that B and Dawn were on the right track. They were spending a lot of time together doing the shit they always liked to do, that totally boring girly crap stuff.

It was different with Giles though. I could see he was getting more and more frustrated, but so far he hadn’t done anything about it. B did what I’d generously call the bare minimum with him, and that was it. As hard as it was to watch, I knew it was a lot harder for them to live. I also knew no way was Giles gonna let it slide for much longer, no way he could.

We were just past the ten day point when Giles came strolling out into the yard while we were going at it. B tensed, but she didn’t stop. Instead she ramped it up ‘til I was just about fighting for my life.

About an hour went by, and then we called it. Giles went right into Watcher mode:

“Faith, I noticed you’re swinging your left arm out a tad too far on your roundhouse. A more controlled motion would not only increase the inherent power of the blow, it would also greatly increase the accuracy.”

“So keep it tighter?”

“Exactly.”

“Gotcha. Thanks for the info.”

“…And Buffy, your kicks show great improvement, but you’re still telegraphing your scissors somewhat.”

There was silence, and B never even glanced at him. Giles stood there looking at her, his face pretty much expressionless.

“Right…splendid. Faith, might I ask that you leave Buffy and myself alone for a moment? I’d very much like to speak with her.”

“Sure, that’s cool. I’ll just grab a shower and…”

“No! Giles, I don’t want to get into this, whatever ‘this’ is.”

“Yes well, although I believe we are already well into ‘this’, I’m not sure that’s our greatest problem right now. The fact that we continue to speak to one another as if we’ve never met, most likely is.”

I started to head in, but B slid into my path. She didn’t say a word, but it was easy to see she was upset. Giles started to take a step closer to her, but managed to stop himself before he actually moved:

“Buffy, please. I know things have been strained between us, but this isn’t how I want…While it’s true I’ve been disappointed and hurt by some of your actions of late, I must tell you that I’m incredibly proud of the way in which you’re attempting to turn things around.”

Still nothing, and her whole body looked ready to take off. He must have seen it too, but he kept going anyways.

“When Faith called and ordered us home, I freely admit I more than had my doubts. Not about whether or not I wished to return, I’ve been longing to do that since the day we left, but I was doubtful as to whether now was the right time. But being home, seeing you try so hard…Buffy, I don’t wish to be anywhere else.”

“Giles…”

“Faith is right, my place is at your side. We belong together, that much is clear, and I am only asking that you do your best and I shall do the same. This isn’t an easy time for any of us, but I know if we work together…”

And there went B, running off into the house. Great…just fucking great.

We watched her until she was outta sight, and I didn’t know what to say to him.

“…Well, not quite the reaction one hopes for when baring one’s heart and soul.”

“But that’s okay, right G-man? She heard you, it’s just kinda scary for her now. Her wall’s cracking, hell it’s ready to fall, and she’s panicking.”

“Faith, as much as I regret saying this, perhaps it would be best if I…”

I could feel the panic rising in me now. I tried hard to stay calm, but I kinda fucked it up.

“No! Giles, don’t say it! B is right here, this close. Not saying all the bad shit’s over, but I am saying if we just hold on a little bit longer, we get her back.”

“But surely it’s apparent…”

“Only thing that’s apparent is if you leave, she’s gonna take about a million steps away from us.”

He took his glasses off as he listened to me.

“I know it’s tough to say the kinda things you just did and get the reaction B gave ya. It’s not fair and it hurts, I get that, but I’m positive we got a real shot here. Giles, you know I’m no optimist. I call shit like I see it, and I’m telling you we got her. But you have to stay put, we’re gonna lose her if you don’t.”

I musta been all kinds of worked up because he shoved his glasses back on and patted my shoulder like I was a mental case or something. It was nice, but it was his words that got me settled down:

“All right Faith, it’s all right. Clearly now is not the time for me to become a thin-skinned ponce. I shall endeavor to toughen up and settle in for the long haul.”

“It’s not gonna be long, Giles.”

He stopped patting me, but his voice still stayed all reassuring:

“She does look infinitely healthier than when I last saw her, and she also seems much more like her usual self. You’ve truly done wonders Faith, the least I can do is stick it out.”

“That’s great! And Dawnie?”

“I’ve not mentioned leaving to her, and I’m quite certain she wouldn’t be receptive to the idea at any rate. She’s been miserable without all of you.”

I wiped some sweat off my forehead as I smiled at him.

“Not without me. I been gone a long time.”

“Yes you have. Faith, surely you know how fond of you Dawn is? She was deeply hurt that you left without a word to her, and it’s that hurt that lies behind her current anger with you.”

“Yeah, kinda figured that. Guess I gotta talk to her.”

He handed me his handkerchief so I could wipe the sweat off before it drove us both nuts.

“That would most likely do wonders. I don’t think it will take much to sway her back to your side. Despite her rancor, she still seems to believe that the sun sets and rises on whatever you say.”

“Neat to have a fan.”

He gestured toward the bench, and we sat side by side.

“With what I’ve heard from Willow and Xander, it sounds like you’re gaining quite the collection of us.”

“Yeah well, better hold off until we see where this all ends up.”

“Though it seems likely we shall end up where we all wish to be, your efforts so far merit their own praise.”

I was starting to squirm a little, I wasn’t exactly used to Giles praising me.

“Thanks, but I don’t think it’s really that big a deal.”

“Then you are wrong. Buffy’s incredibly lucky to have such a…good friend. Clearly, we all are.”

“……Always wanted your respect. Feels good knowing I’ve got it, even for a little while.”

He smiled big then, and patted me on the arm this time:

“You may rest assured that it’s a most permanent condition.”

Damn, no way did I ever think he’d say something like that. I wasn’t sure how to respond, but it made me feel good. I’d always liked and admired Giles, and to hear him say I’d finally won him over was…Well it was like that feeling you get when you’re short on cash, and then ya find an extra burger in your take-out bag. Only this was way better than that. Way, way better.

“Faith! Hey, Faith!”

Willow came flying out of the house, her face all flushed.

“Easy there, Red. What’s the what?”

“Buffy wants us to go out tonight!”

Right away it was red alert time for me.

“Yeah? Who’s us?”

Willow was so excited, she could barely stand still:

“You, me, and Xander. And Buffy, but that goes without saying, right?”

“Right. So how’d this all happen?”

“We were just hanging out in the kitchen, and Dawnie was telling us how her not ‘boyfriend’ boyfriend is supposed to call her tonight. Maybe that got Buffy thinking or something because she finally stopped staring out the window, and suggested it herself.”

This couldn’t be good, it didn’t fit with anything good. It did fit with a lot of bad shit, like what was she staring at out the window when she came up with her idea? Me and Giles talking about her, right after she’d turned tail and run. No, not good, not good at all.

It was all wrong, but meanwhile Willow was standing in front of me actually bouncing around with this huge grin on her face.

“Giles, do you want to come? It’d be a little weird, but we could…”

He smiled at her and looked kinda disgusted at the same time:

“Thank you, but I think I’d rather stay home. I’ve a new demon compendium to delve into, and I need to do quite a bit of cross-referencing. I shan’t be bored in the least.”

“Great! Faith, isn’t this great? I think it’s a great sign, don’t you think it’s a great sign? I mean, as far as signs go, I think this baby’s just screaming out ‘great’! We’re going to have so much fun!”

I knew I should say something, just kinda prepare her in case B wasn’t on the level. But as I looked at her rambling on all excited, well I just couldn’t take it away from her. She’d dealt with so much shit for so long, she deserved some happiness for a change.

I started praying right then that the whole deal really was what Red thought it was. And then I lied right to her face, looking her right in the eye:

“Yeah, pretty fucking great for sure! Way exciting!”

She hugged me, then grabbed Giles and started dragging him into the house. She was still babbling, but enough was getting through that he understood she was taking him to the computer. Man, did he ever look unhappy.

“It’s the perfect site for you, Giles! Trust me, you’re gonna love it!”

I stayed right where I was, feeling kinda queasy. B had to have seen how happy and excited she’d made Willow, and Xander was for sure the same way. Whatever she’d been planning, she was gonna have to call it off now.

I was sweating as I stood in the direct sunlight, but it was a cold sweat. The kind that makes ya shiver no matter how hot it is. A night out on the town…Oh fuck.

***************

So here we were, at some nice club Willow and Xander knew about. Just four old friends looking for a little fun, all on B’s suggestion…Yeah, right.

I was way suspicious, but they were nothing but happy and hopeful. No way could I just take that all away from them. Not based on a gut feeling, not when I wasn’t positive. B seemed fine, maybe it was all legit and I was just being paranoid…Yeah, right.

The vibe I was picking up from B made me think this was “Get Some Revenge on Faith Night”. I think. She was crazy hard to read, and that in itself was making me nervous as hell. I was already all on edge since we’d gone slaying before we got to the club, and it was no exaggeration to say it was the worst time I’d ever had slaying.

B killed everything. I only nailed one lousy vamp, and that was just because the fucker tripped after B punched him. He landed at my feet, and all I did was bend down and ram a stake into his heart. Not real satisfying, and I was all keyed up and full of energy. No doubt about it, this was a bad set-up.

Xander scored a primo booth in the back. It was near enough, but far enough so we could hear each other over the music. God, they looked so freakin’ excited and happy, like they were out for their first time ever. I couldn’t blame’em, they were hoping their friend was making her long awaited comeback. I was hoping that myself.

Didn’t take long for the beer and wings to show up, and we all dug right in. I was starving…and that was all. I was just gonna enjoy the food and music, and I was gonna block out all the rest of it.

“This is fun! You guys wanna dance now?”

Red was all kinds of perky, it was cute how happy she was.

“I’m in, Will. Let’s shake these booties!”

Xander jumped right up like somebody’d asked him to go pick up his lottery winnings. B smiled at them and got to her feet, so I said:

“Think I’ll hang back this time, see how big a geeks you guys are. That way, can claim I never met ya if I gotta.”

Xander grinned and offered an arm to both Willow and Buffy:

“I believe I heard a challenge mixed in with that insult. Ladies, shall we go learn her?”

Willow latched onto him, but Buffy turned towards me:

“You know what? I’m going to stay and keep Faith company instead.”

Oh shit. She slid back into the booth, except now she was sitting right next to me.

“Aw Buffster, no. Come on, let’s go boogie.”

“Later, I promise. You and Will go get us started.”

They took off looking a little unsure, but they were still happy and ready for fun.

Fuck, I’d been so sure she was gonna dance and as wound up as I was, no way did I wanna be anywhere near her when she did. Figured the booth was the absolute safest place for me to be...I’m a real rocket scientist, yeah?

I was also boxed in and short of flipping the table, I had no way out. I looked her in the eye, and what I saw there settled it. I flipped the table.

Leastways, that’s what I tried. The fucker was bolted down. Tight. B just smiled as she watched me.

“So F, why didn’t you wanna dance?”

“Didn’t feel like it.”

“Remember when we danced?”

I didn’t answer her, and we sat in silence. After a few, I met her eyes again and she smiled. It sure as hell wasn’t a nice smile, there wasn’t anything friendly in it anywhere, but it got my heart skipping beats the second I saw it. God, if I could just get thrown back into prison or trapped in the Hellmouth…anything to get the fuck out of this goddamn booth.

No way was she gonna just let me out, and short of making a scene and crushing all the Scooby fun, I was trapped. Her arm was resting on the little ledge behind me, and I could feel her fingertips moving back and forth along my bare shoulder. Goose bumps were popping up all over me, and I was doing my best not to start shivering. Everywhere she touched was…

“Okay B, go back to your seat.”

She did this pretend pouting thing:

“But it’s so hard to hear you way over there.”

“Fine, then we just won’t talk.”

Her fingers kept moving around, all light and barely touching me.

“But don’t we need to…talk? After all, we’re friends and isn’t that what friends do?”

She reached over and took a sip of my beer.

“Got your own right there, B.”

“Mmmm…I know, but yours tastes so much better.”

I shoved on the table again, but it still didn’t budge. I tried to sound all casual and tough, but I knew my voice came out nothing but desperate:

“Why don’t you just go dance?”

“I like it better right here.”

Her fingers were moving lower down my back, and I started sweating and my heart sped up. She smelled so good, and this time when she drank my beer, her tongue licked her lips clean for like an hour. I found myself staring at her mouth.

“Faith, do you like this shirt?”

Against my will my eyes followed along as her hand made its way down the front of her shirt, stopping to circle on and around all the most important places. I was in trouble and I knew it.

She moved closer to me, her thigh flush against mine, her breast pushed up tight against me. I didn’t move away, even though inside I was screaming at myself to do just that. It was like I was being hypnotized. She was doing almost nothing, but my free will was disappearing like it was some kinda magic trick.

She leaned over me to grab a napkin, and I groaned as I felt her sliding against me. The noise made her smile, and she stayed right where she was.

“I’m sorry, did you say something?”

“…N…No. Sit back down.”

She wiggled around a little:

“Are you sure? I feel pretty comfortable right where I am.”

“……Buffy, don’t try this again.”

“Why not? It still seems like just what you want.”

Her hand was tracing patterns on my upper thigh, and her lips and tongue were swirling all around my ear, neck, and jaw. Her other hand wrapped itself in my hair, and the truth of it was, I wasn’t putting up much of a fight. Okay, the real truth of it was, I wasn’t putting up any fight. I was just breathing heavy, and thinking clearly was like trying to think clearly.

I knew I had to stop her, but it felt so good, she felt so good. She turned my head towards her, and then her lips were on mine. I tried to jerk back, but the hand in my hair held me right where I was.

Her lips were perfect. I felt like I was on fire, but I wasn’t. That came a second later when her tongue slid into my mouth. I almost lost it right then and there, and I moaned into her as the kiss just kept going. It lasted a long time, and not anywhere near long enough.

She broke it off, not me. All I could do was just sit there quivering while I struggled to breathe. My heart was just pounding, and I couldn’t get my eyes open. It was like I couldn’t remember how.

“Open your eyes.”

I did, and she was so close I could see the little flecks of gold swirling around in the green. God, she had the most beautiful eyes, and I could have died happy just staring into them forever…

“Wanna come?”

…Do I wanna…Oh, she means to the dance floor. Yes…no…I do not. I absolutely do not. I will not be doing that.

“…N…No, I’ll come here…I mean, I’ll stay put…here, I mean.”

My fucking voice came squeaking out like I was a kid just hitting puberty.

“Okay, your choice. See you soon…F.”

That sounded like a threat to me, that’s what it was, right? Before I could figure it out, she found a way to slide all over me as she got out of the booth, slowing trailing her hand down my bare arm. I watched her all the way to the dance floor, grabbing the table so hard it started cracking. Oh yeah, now the fucker wants to give way.

She started dancing like she could, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I was drinking beer like I’d been lost in the Sahara for weeks, and I started thinking about all the dances we could do if…

“Where’s Buffy?”

I jumped, and sloshed beer all over the place. Willow was looking at me waiting for an answer, and Xander was scanning around for B. They were pretty sweaty and flushed, but not as much as I was.

I just pointed because I couldn’t trust my voice yet, and Willow spotted her first:

“Wow…she’s really having…fun.”

Xander’s mouth was hanging open, and his eye was about as wide as he could get it:

“Is she…I mean…Is she dancing or having sex?”

I motioned for another pitcher as the waitress swung by, and I could feel Willow’s eyes all over me.

“Faith, you look funny. Are you okay?”

B chose that moment to shimmy, slink, saunter, and ooze her way back to the booth.

“Hey, where’d you guys go?”

Xander had his mouth shut now, so he answered her:

“We needed some nectar of the Gods.”

“Plus he kept crushing my feet.”

“A small price to pay for the moves I was throwing down.”

The waitress dropped off the new pitcher, and Xander sat down next to me as he poured out a glass. Willow slid in across from us, but Buffy stayed on her feet.

“Well I can’t dance by myself. Come on F, wanna do it?”

I had to say something, I couldn’t not speak for the rest of my life. Plus I had Xander’s big strong body running interference for me.

“No thanks, I’m good right here.”

Xander, oblivious to everything as usual, slid out and tugged on my arm:

“Aw come on Faith, show us how it’s done. Will and I can definitely use the pointers.”

Willow was sensing something because her eyes kept bouncing from me to B. Meanwhile, B got sick of the delay and moved Xander to the side, forcibly pulling me out and right up against her.

She practically purred in my ear:

“Time for some fun, baby.”

I let myself be led, even though I knew I had to stop things before they went any further. Wasn’t like I had a good excuse either, just had my reasons why I was letting it go on. What were those reasons? We’d been slaying and she was Buffy. That’s it, and don’t even bother…I know how fucking lame I sound.

When we got out there, I turned around to go. She stopped me, and how do I put this? She kinda wove herself all around me, sliding and rubbing along until I could feel her touching me everywhere.

I felt myself start moving, and then we were dancing. Oh man, were we dancing. I was getting lost in her, and I was forgetting why I shouldn’t.

“Mmm…this is so good. I can feel you, and you feel amazing.”

I didn’t answer, I just kept trying not to follow her every lead.

“God, we’re so good at this…Bet I know what else we’d be good at…Can you feel me? Mmmm, F…do you feel me too?”

Did I feel her? Oh yeah, I felt her. I’d been doing nothing but feeling her since the day we met, and all I wanted was to keep right on…

Shit, I had to stop this. It wasn’t real, she didn’t mean any of it. She was just punishing me, and I had to stop her before…Oh fuck…

Her lips were back at my ear, her voice all low and sexy:

“Have you ever wondered what it’d be like? Just you and me, nothing between us…”

I was having trouble breathing. Images of us together and naked were filling my brain, and I just stood there while she rubbed against me.

“Just saying the hell with everything else…doing what our bodies tell us to do…I’ve thought about that F, I’ve thought about it a lot.”

Her breath was blowing along my neck, and I was starting to shiver.

“What it would feel like…all that skin on skin…All smooth and hot and slick…”

I wish I could say I was stronger than I am. I wish I could say I pulled her offa me, then told her to go fuck herself. I wish for all kinds of shit that don’t ever come true.

She nibbled on my neck, and I moaned when I felt her tongue licking its way up to my ear again.

“You’re so tense. Is it because you want something you think you can’t have?”

I felt like I was gonna explode. I was trying not to move, but her hands on my ass swayed my hips with hers.

“You can have it…you can have it right now…Just take me...you know you want to…Come on F, I want you to.”

My arms were shaking like I was a spastic or something. I was fighting to keep’em at my sides, but I couldn’t really remember why I wanted’em there.

She slid along my body until she was behind me, her smell floating everywhere. Her hands came around, one at my breast, the other below the belt. I leaned back into her groaning, and she rubbed herself against me, her lips right next to my ear:

“Faith, it’ll be so good…you know it will. Just let yourself go…Take me.”

So back to what I wish. I wish I could say that I walked right the fuck away from her. That’d be cool, ya know? What really happened was I spun around and my arms came up and pulled her closer to me, something that seemed physically impossible just a second before.

I buried my face in her neck and started moving to the rhythm she set. I was gonna do whatever she told me to do, and my hands started roaming way past what’s considered polite or proper in a club. Hell, I was going way past what was considered decent in a whorehouse.

I didn’t give a shit. I was with Buffy, and nothing else mattered to me. I was gonna fuck everything up, I couldn’t do anything else. All my brain had in it was Buffy, all I knew was that I wanted her. All the rest of it was gone, a blank.

It was Red who saved us. One second me and B were all over each other, the next Willow had somehow managed to insert herself in between us.

“Will! What in the hell are you…”

“Hi, guys! I just got my second wind, so I thought I’d join you.”

Jesus fucking Christ, thank God for Willow. I’d been right on the verge of screwing everything right the fuck up, literally, and then here came Willow Rosenberg to the rescue. Talk about pulling my ass outta the fire.

My mind started clearing as she rambled on about Xander eating all the wings, how she loved the music they were playing, how the waitress was really nice, and how the what the fuck ever else popped into her head.

B looked way beyond pissed, but before I could react, she did. She reached around Willow, grabbed me by the hips, and slammed us all together. I heard the air whoosh out of Willow’s lungs as she suddenly found herself the uncomfortable middle in a Slayer sandwich.

“Gee Willow, I never knew you were into threesomes. I can’t believe Tara ever swung that way, of course they say it’s always the quiet ones. But no, surely not Saint Tara? Oh well, it’s a drag she died, but if she was holding you back, well let’s just say every cloud has a silver lining. I mean, sometimes things turn out for the…”

Willow looked sick, and I knew the feeling. It was a bad move on B’s part, in all kindsa ways. The effect on me was colder than any water getting tossed coulda been. I pulled Willow clear, and then I hit Buffy just as hard as I could.

She flew through the air, stopping only because she crashed into a wall. I jerked her to her feet, practically snarling:

“Don’t you ever talk to her like that again.”

She just smiled at me.

“Why so worked up, F? Gonna pop if you don’t get a taste of…”

I hit her again, then stalked over to her. Xander had come over, and he now had his arm around Willow. She looked shocked and hurt, and Xander looked scared.

“Guys, we’re leaving. Don’t wait up for us.”

I hauled B up and out of the club. We stomped, well I stomped, and she pretty much got her ass dragged down the nearest alley.

“Where are we going?”

I was so mad, I could barely talk:

“No fucking clue. Don’t want you around them, and I can’t leave your fucked up ass alone.”

“I know, baby. Let’s find someplace quiet and…”

I stopped walking and grabbed both of her arms hard enough to bruise:

“Knock it off. I wouldn’t fuck you right now if my life depended on it. Do you even know what you said to Willow? God Buffy, how could you talk to her like that?”

I flung her to the ground, and started pacing back and forth in front of her:

“I am so sick of all your feeling sorry for yourself bullshit. The longer this goes, the more I’m starting to think you really are just a mean fucking bitch who needs her ass kicked.”

“Oh, and you’re gonna be the one to do it?”

“Fucking right, only you’re so fucked up, you’d probably enjoy it…You wanna get back at me, B? Fine, but why’d you have to hurt Willow like that?”

Buffy got to her feet, and I had to fight the urge to knock her back down.

“So you’re miserable, how’s that make it okay to go that far? She’s not set-up for that kinda shit, and you know it. It’s not fair and you owe her better, no matter how screwed up you are.”

I was so mad I had to keep moving so I wouldn’t start beating the hell out of her. I risked a quick look, and she did look sorry, like she’d just realized what she’d actually said. I kept pacing, asking myself the whole time where this fucking nightmare had hidden the real Buffy.

“I…I guess I shouldn’t have said…”

“You guess?! You fucking guess?! Is that really the best you can do?! You’re so fucked up you don’t ‘know’ you’ve been an asshole?! Ya gotta ‘guess’ about it?!”

I stood right in front of her, and she couldn’t meet my eyes.

“Well let me help you out then, Slayer to Slayer: You are a complete and utter bitch from Hell. You’re so far outta line, you’re standing in another time zone…God! Fuck you, Buffy. Fuck you, you fucking bitch!”

I was so furious, I screamed all of that right in her face. I could have killed her.

“Congratulations B, ya did a great job tonight. See, I knew what you were after. Figured somehow it was gonna be payback time for me, but your friends? The ones who’ve stood by you all this time? Well they actually thought that maybe, just maybe their best friend wanted to spend a little time with them having some fun.”

She wasn’t looking anywhere near me, and that was just fine.

“They were hoping tonight meant maybe you gave a shit about them, but they’re pretty stupid, aren’t they B? So tell me, you feelin’ good now that you hurt’em again? Was that part of your big plan? Well guess what? It won’t make any difference, and how fucked up is that? No matter what shit you pull, no matter how awful you are, they’ll just keep hanging on.”

She raised her hand up to her face, and I could see it was shaking. It’d finally hit her, what she’d done, what she’d said, and she had nowhere to go to get away from it.

“They love you, but don’t ask me to make ya a list ‘cause I got no fucking clue why right now. But you go ahead and just bask in those good feelings, Buffy. You can feel real proud ‘cause you definitely outdid yourself tonight.”

She was still staring at the ground, and I could see there was some wetness on her cheeks. Well not enough, as far as I was concerned.

“So this is what it’s come to? You’re so fucking desperate, you’re gonna throw Tara in Willow’s face? That seems like something she deserves, B? Okay then, since you’ve made it way clear that dead lovers are fair game, I got some stuff I wanna say.”

“Faith, please…”

“Shut up. I’m not at all interested in pleasing you. Just interested in playing your game the way you wanna play it. Let’s me and you talk about Spike now.”

“No, I don’t…I can’t…”

“Already got the basics, plus you know how good I am at reading between the lines. So here’s what I got so far: you killed him. You just let him die. You let go of him and he…”

She started running then. I threw a garbage can lid into the back of her legs, and brought her down. We fought, but I had the upper hand and just managed to keep it. I sat on her ass, and pulled her arms behind her. My grip was tight, she wasn’t going anywhere.

“It’s my turn now, so stick around. Here’s the thing I don’t get B, didn’t you care about him at all? I mean, he loved you, saw that for myself. Guy followed you around like a lovesick puppy, always begging for whatever scraps you’d toss his way.”

She’d quit struggling, and I could tell her eyes were closed tight, even though her head was turned away from me. Guess that’s just a human instinct, but I know that shit never works. She couldn’t help but hear me, and I wasn’t stopping for anything.

“Sure had him trained good, I’ll give ya that. He’d follow any orders you gave him, do anything you asked. Thing is, can’t say I ever saw you give him much back. I did see you using him when you needed to, then pushing him away when you didn’t. Pretty sweet sitch, B.”

“…Fuck you.”

I knew she wanted it to sound all tough, but her voice was just too shaky and tiny to pull it off. All she sounded like was what she was, somebody right on the edge of breaking.

“Was it supposed to be this big hard choice for you? Don’t seem like that to me. All came down to a guy you didn’t love and a sister you couldn’t care less about. Yeah, sounds like a tough one, alright. Or do I got the people involved mixed up? This is Dawn we’re talking about, right? The sister you treated like shit and pushed away so hard, her ass ended up all the way over in England? Wow, nice one, B. The way you went at it, it’s like Spike died for nothing. You’re a master at this shit, yeah?”

She wasn’t struggling or moving at all, and she was crying right out in the open now. I got off her and stood up.

“So let me ask ya, why didn’t you just let’em both go? Sure woulda made things a lot easier for ya.”

“…”

“Well? What do ya got to say for yourself?”

“……Nothing.”

“’Nothing’? Yeah well, better come up with something or I’m gonna. I got a shitload of stuff to say to you, and I’m pretty sure you don’t wanna hear it. Now talk, Buffy.”

“It…It wasn’t like that…You don’t know…You weren’t there.”

“Then tell me. I got it wrong, set me straight.”

She sat up, still crying and looking about twenty years older than she oughta. My heart went out to her, but I made myself stay tough. This was what she needed to do, and I wasn’t gonna be doing her any favors if I let it go.

“Well? Gonna be me or you doing the talking?”

“……It was just a normal night. No big bad, nothing going on at all. It was just me and Spike out on a normal patrol…Dawnie’d begged to come with us like always, and this time I said she could. Everything was fine. We’d killed four vamps, and Spike and Dawn were goofing around like they usually did. They loved each other so much, you know?”

“I remember.”

“They were making me laugh, ganging up on me…then it happened. I…I reacted too slowly, I should have been faster…There was a bright flash of light, then these three demons just appeared. Spike and I both told Dawn to run, but it was already too late. We fought them, and we killed them pretty easily. Spike had just started bragging…”

She sucked in a deep breath like she was steadying herself, then picked up the story again:

“That’s when Dawnie screamed. This vortex thing just opened up, and she was getting pulled in. Spike dove and he…he just grabbed onto her. Then it started dragging him in too. I wrapped my legs around this little tree, and got them both. I had a good firm grip, so at first…I thought it was going to be okay, you know? I told Dawnie it would be, and she calmed down right away because she…she believed me. She thought I could……I made our plan, and we got set. I pulled, I pulled as hard as I could, but I couldn’t get them clear. I kept trying…I tried so hard, but I just wasn’t strong enough.”

She looked like she was a million miles away, and I knew she was right back there watching and feeling it all happen again.

“Slayer, need both hands to pull her out.”

“Shut up, Spike.”

“Not a lot of time left, pet. You can get her clear if you let go of me and…”

“Shut up! I can’t do that…I won’t. We just have to …”

“Tree’s cracking on us, luv. That happens, we all die. You’ve got to let go of me to save her and yourself. It’s okay.”

“’Okay’? How is that ‘okay’?! I can hold on until…”

“…until the tree breaks, and we all get sucked in. Listen to me now: my time’s up, is all. Always knew it’d be at your side.”

“Spike, don’t. Please just…”

“Nibblet, can you get your legs up on me?”

“I…I think so.”

“Good girl! Now when I count to three, want you to push off on me just as hard as you can towards your big sis. Hard as you can now, no namby pamby stuff. Promise me, Little Bit?”

“…I promise.”

“Trusting you now.”

“I promise…I love you, Spike.”

“Got my heart always Dawnie, always.”

“Spike, I am not letting you go! There has to be another way!”

“There’s not, and you know it. We’ll work together like always or I’ll make you let go…Buffy, you know I’m right.”

“Spike, please…”

“Been the blessing of my life, and I don’t regret anything about loving you. Don’t you ever feel guilty about this, you’re The Slayer and you do what needs doing. Dawnie deserves her life, I’ve had mine. You understand me, Slayer?”

“Yes…I love you, William.”

“This time I know that’s true, and I’m taking it with me. My beautiful Buffy, what a woman...Bloody marvel, you are. Thank you, both of you…Right then, gonna go on three. Hard as you can now, Nibblet. Can’t go back on your word…Ready?”

She was crying really hard now, but I could still understand every word she said:

“He counted, and when we got to three I…I let go of him and grabbed Dawnie with both hands. He pushed her towards me, and when he saw I had her he yelled: ‘Best damn Slayer ever’. He was grinning as he was pulled back into…We could hear him laughing, then we saw him burning…The vortex snapped shut and he was gone…Spike was gone.”

She was shaking and she looked so sad, there was nothing I wanted more than to hold her. But I stayed where I was because it was obvious she had more to say.

“I didn’t cry, not one tear. Dawnie went to pieces, I had to carry her all the way home. She was sobbing, but not me. Spike was dead, and I couldn’t even cry. As soon as we got home, everyone started checking everything we could think of. We were…they were hoping this was like one of a million other times and we could get him back. We tried everything, researched even the dumbest possibilities, but it was over. He was really gone, and there was no way to change it. I was the only one who wasn’t…I already knew he was dead. I knew that the instant I let go of his hand.”

“B, you did what you had to, what he wanted you to.”

“…”

“Even if you hadn’t, he woulda made you. He needed you and Dawn to be safe, and he wouldn’t have let you…”

Her voice started at a whisper, like it was coming from way far off, but it built up steam until it was nearly blasting out of her.

“It just won’t stop…God Faith, why won’t it stop? They just keep dying and I…I should have hung on. I’m the fucking Slayer, The Chosen One, and I couldn’t even pull two people I loved to safety. I never should have let Dawnie come with us. I should have moved faster when I heard them. I felt something was off right before they appeared, but I was too busy laughing and joking around to do my job. I should have patrolled on my own, I should have…”

“You shoulda had a crystal ball. B, there was nothing else you could have done. You’re strong, there’s nobody any stronger, and if you couldn’t do it, nobody else could have either. I know you, and I know how hard you tried, how fast you reacted. I know you pulled with everything you had, and I know you’d still be hanging on if you could be. He knows it too. You couldn’t save’em both because it just wasn’t possible to do. There was no way B, no way at all. I know that’s true because otherwise he’d be here, you’d have made sure of that.”

She lost it then, and I went to her. I pulled her to me and she hung on like her life depended on it.

This whole thing was so unfair. She had so much responsibility, so much pain, and they just kept piling it on her all the time. Yeah I know she’s The Slayer, but whoever was in charge was still a fucking bastard. Be nice to kick their stupid ass straight to Hell, let’em see what it was like.

I had to carry her home, probably just like she did with Dawn. When we got there, Willow was waiting up for us. She never said a word, just helped me get B into her pajamas, and then into bed.

B never spoke either, not until Red was heading out:

“Willow, wait…I’m so sorry about before…what I said…I didn’t mean it, you know how much I loved Tara…I could never mean what I said. Please tell me you know that…I’m begging you…please, Will…I’m so sorry…I didn’t mean it…please know I didn’t mean it…please, Will.”

Of course Willow responded just like you think she would. She ran back to Buffy and hugged her tight.

“Shhh…I know Buffy, I know. Shhh…it’s okay, we’re okay. You just rest now.”

Buffy was sobbing again, and Willow kept telling her it was okay until she calmed down. After they got done, I tagged along behind Red on my way out of the room, but B stopped me:

“Faith?”

“Yeah, B?”

“Could you…I mean, would you stay with me? Even if it’s just until I fall asleep?”

“Sure. I’ll stay as long as you need me to.”

She looked way relieved, and held up the blankets so I could slide under. I took off my boots and got in.

I held her in my arms like she was a scared little kid, and she snuggled up against me like that’s what she was. She fell asleep while I stroked her hair and whispered what I hoped were comforting things to her. Guess they were, ‘cause she went out and stayed out.

I half sat, half laid there all night, never moving as I held her. A few times she seemed to be having bad dreams, and I did my best to calm her down. Musta done it good enough because she never woke up, and she stopped being restless.

I stayed there watching over her until the sun started coming up. Always does that whether ya want it to or not. Had these huge fucking cramps in my arms and legs, my back hurt like a goddamn bitch, and my neck was definitely busted. I didn’t give a shit. Last night had been the best night of my life.

CHAPTER TEN

I got her up for breakfast at 7:00 sharp. It was just as shitty for me, but I wanted to keep to the routine. Willow, Xander, and Giles were already at the table acting totally normal, and Dawn showed up about half an hour later, also way normal.

B didn’t say a word, but she stayed through the whole meal. Truth of it was, she looked kinda shell shocked. I understood that. Last night she’d come face to face with a lot of stuff, and now in the light of the morning, she didn’t know how to deal with it.

A few hours ago she’d found herself saying shit to her best friend that she probably still couldn’t believe she’d said, and it’d given her a clear-eyed look at just what she’d been turning herself into. She didn’t wanna see it anymore.

Yeah, well neither did anyone else. Too bad. This was where she was, this was who she was becoming, and this was also where she could put a stop to it. No way was I gonna let her spend the day alone and feeling sorry for herself. All that would do was piss her off and send her into another tailspin, so not the way it was gonna go.

I was going to be in her face all day long, and she was going to deal with last night. I wanted her to remember that she was lying in a filthy alley bawling out of control, while she confessed her guilt over something that wasn’t even her fault. There were already too many things on her, no way was I letting her carry Spike’s pile of dust on her shoulders.

Far as I could tell, today was the day. She was standing on the edge, and she could make it back right now. All she needed was a little push, and I was more than ready to give her a shove. This was her moment, and she was damn well gonna take it.

I should’ve been exhausted, but my adrenaline was really pumping. Spending all night with her, being needed by her, being let right the fuck in, well I was flying high and feeling good. I was ready to finish it, no matter what it took. She was this close, and I wasn’t gonna let her slip away from it. No fucking chance.

Breakfast was done, and we all just sat at the table. B was staring off into space, so I interrupted and asked if she was ready to work out.

“…No, not today.”

“Why not?”

The look she gave me said she thought I’d gone nuts.

“…It was a rough night, okay?”

“Yeah it was a rough night, so what? You’ve had’em before, a whole buncha times. A little sparring and sweating will clear a lot of that shit right outta ya. C’mon, let’s do it.”

I wanted to laugh at her expression. She was torn about what her next move should be, and I could see everything she was thinking on her face.

She was grateful to me for being there for her last night, so she didn’t wanna fight with me. She was mad at me for being there for her last night, so she wanted to kill me. She was scared of me for being there for her last night, so she wanted to hide from me. She was guilty about me being there for her last night, so she…Last night was such a big fucking deal, it was trying to run today too.

“I said ‘no’…and I don’t want to talk about it either.”

“Yeah? Well either we’re gonna spar or we’re gonna talk.”

“No, we’re not. I’m going to go back to bed.”

“You’re not going anywhere B, except out to the backyard to train.”

She was trying to do that whole superior, holier than thou attitude she always gets going at times like this, but it wasn’t coming off too well.

“…Faith, I appreciate last night, but you are not giving me orders. I…”

“Don’t much give a shit what you appreciate. Last night was last night. Case you didn’t notice, this is today, a whole new deal. And today we’re gonna train, just like always.”

No one else was making a sound, but they somehow got quieter as B exploded:

“God! I don’t feel good, all right?”

“Sure, that’s fine with me, but it seems like you don’t know why you don’t feel good. Let me explain it to ya then. You don’t feel good B, because you were a horrible bitch to Willow, you told me about Spike dying, and your big tough special protection wall fell down. I saw it go, Willow saw it go, and by now, everybody else knows what happened. Well, what the fuck ever. Now let’s go spar.”

“I don’t know what you think last night was, but nothing has changed. Things…”

“Christ Buffy, everything’s changed. It all changed when I scooped ya up off the ground and carried your sobbing ass home. That was you, right? And it was you who was begging Willow to forgive ya? And you were the one who asked me to stay because you were too scared to be alone, right?”

She looked pissed and shocked, and it took her a few before she could say anything.

“…I can’t believe you. Why are you throwing that back in my face?”

“I’m not throwing it B, but I’m not gonna help you pretend it didn’t happen either. It did, and there’s not a damn thing wrong with admitting it. You fucked up with Willow, asked her to forgive you, and like friends do, she did. You told me a nightmare of a story about how you lost somebody you loved, and it upset you.”

She was staring at me all confused. I guess it wasn’t going like she thought it would.

“You asked for a little comfort, and I gave it to you because you asked and I wanted to. There was nothing weird or unusual about any of it. You were hurting, got some of it out, and now here we all are. It’s a brand new day, and the bullshit you’ve been running is over. Now you’re feeling raw, wide-open, and scared shitless, understood. But ya can’t go back B, it’s way too late for that.”

Her face looked like everything I’d just said. Her hands were gripping the table hard, and she wasn’t far from busting it.

“We all see you, we’re lookin’ right at ya. You’re Buffy, and we all know it now. There’s nothing that can change that, no way for you to make any of us forget it again, so don’t waste your time tryin’. I’ll be waiting for ya in the backyard. Got this new move I wanna get your opinion on. It’s cool, but thinking it needs something else, ya know?”

Then I got up and walked out, and you coulda heard a pin drop.

I wasn’t worried, she’d come out. She wanted to, but it was gonna take a while for her to wrestle herself out the door. Fine with me, not like I had something else to do. The sun was shining, the breeze was blowing, I’d wait.

About thirty minutes passed before I saw the backdoor opening kinda slow. She came out like she’d never done it before, and I could tell how hard it was for her to do. But fuck that, she’s B, and she just kept right on doing it anyway ‘cause she’s got more guts than anyone you know.

I stood up, and I couldn’t keep the smile off my face:

“All set?"

It took her a minute to answer:

“…Yes.”

“Great.”

We went at it for about two hours. When I finally showed her my new move, she put me right on my ass. I had to laugh, she was so good at on the fly. She figured out what was wrong, tried it on me, and I was on my ass again.

“Fuck B, was my move and I’m gettin’ my ass kicked with it left and right. What the hell?”

“Can I help it that I’m just better than you?”

She stuck out her hand and pulled me to my feet.

“Oh please Blondie, can take ya whenever I want.”

“Really? Let’s see.”

“Fine with me. Hope ya got your insurance all paid up.”

We went at it full tilt, and of course when it was all said and done, B was on top. Her eyes looked clear, and she was smiling down at me:

“Well, hotshot? I thought you were going to take me?”

“Uh yeah…Well, I let ya win.”

“You let me win?”

“Sure, figured I might as well after ya had me pinned for good.”

She laughed and shifted off me. We were both sprawled on the grass trying to catch our breath, and it was still a beautiful day. At least it was to me.

“Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“…I…uh…Never mind.”

I turned over to face her:

“Hey, can’t just leave me hangin’! My heart can’t take it, B! I gotta know, I just gotta! Can’t live if I don’t hear it! Pretty please, B? Pretty please with chocolate on top? And not that shitty chocolate either. Nope, only the chocolate you love the very most! Pleeeeease!”

She rolled her eyes just like she always did whenever I acted like a whining little kid. I used to do it over the dumbest shit, and even though I knew what she had to say now was anything but dumb, well I also knew I had to ease the tension a little if she was gonna have a chance to get it out. Figured I’d give the old standby a shot.

Seemed to do the trick ’cause she was still smiling a little, and then she was talking:

“Okay Faith, no need to beg. I was just going to say…I was just thinking…I’ve messed everything up.”

I’m telling ya, I wanted to jump and sing and call the local paper, throw a major fucking party. Instead I just sat there all calm and mature and said:

“Yeah, ya did. Pretty big time too.”

“Everything’s just so, well it’s such a big mess…I don’t think I can ever make it right.”

We laid there for a little bit.

“Hey, B?”

“Uh-huh?”

“If it helps at all, I know you can do it. Just need to start small, make a few little changes and see where they take ya.”

She blew out this big shaky breath, and I could see the tears getting ready to spill.

“…The things I’ve done, the things I’ve said……How can I ever make up for all of the horrible…”

“Trust me Buffy, you can. You absolutely can.”

We went quiet again, and this time it lasted so long I thought maybe she’d drifted off. The sunshine was plenty warm enough to make ya sleepy, but she wasn’t sleeping. When she finally spoke up, her voice was so small:

“How can I face them?”

“They still love you, you didn’t fuck that up. Just gotta start with the little things, don’t gotta do it all at once.”

“I…I don’t think I can.”

I sat up and looked at her:

“I’ll help you, we all will. We’ll just keep plugging away, and you’ll see. There’ll be a time not too far away when all of this shit won’t mean anything to anybody anymore. Nobody’ll even think about it ‘cause it won’t matter at all.”

“…God, I wish that could be true.”

“It is true. That’s just how it’ll go B, if you let it.”

She didn’t say anything else, just laid there staring up at the sky. I busied myself with looking off into the distance, just letting what I’d said make sense to her. I waited, then I got her attention:

“Hey?”

“…”

“B?”

“What? Oh sorry, I was just thinking.”

I knew that, and I also knew thinking could be good or bad. In cases like this, it was mostly bad, and I wanted her thinking about the right things.

“Yeah I know, but I want you to hear me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You are Buffy. That’s who you are, who you’re supposed to be. This thing you’ve been pretending is you, well it takes a lot of work and it makes you tired. But being Buffy? That ain’t nothing to ya, it’s just natural. You let this other go, and you’re gonna feel better right away. All you gotta do is be you, that’s it. Then this other shit’ll just fall right offa ya, and it’ll all be okay again.”

She smiled at me then, an honest to goodness “Buffy” smile:

“You seem pretty confident.”

“In you? Always. Might not know most things, but I know what you got deep down inside of you. So do you B, and now’s the time for you to count on it.”

She kept smiling as she sat up.

“I’m thinking I might have that nap now. Permission granted, sir?”

“Yeah, permission granted, smartass. Gotta warn ya though, word is Dawnie’s threatening to make us all an authentic British supper tonight.”

“What?!”

She looked scared, and she oughta.

“Don’t ask me. Everybody knows the Brits got the worst food on the planet. Thinking the best we can hope for is a quick death between now and then.”

“Well why would she cook anything, from any country?”

I leaned back on my hands, and tried to look like I wasn’t scared shitless too.

“No clue here, but Red thinks it’s payback for you making her live there. Says the rest of us are just gettin’ caught in the crossfire.”

“Yeah but…”

B still looked afraid, but then she took a deep breath and squared her shoulders:

“Okay, that makes sense. I guess I have to eat whatever she makes, or die trying.”

“See what I’m saying, B? Ya got a set a balls on ya.”

“Yeah, as long as I don’t have to eat any…Excuse me while I go to my room and cry.”

“Right there with ya, Slayer.”

I watched her all the way in.

She was drop dead beautiful. Her hair always looked like sunshine, but today with the real deal beating down on it, well it looked like something gold outta heaven. Or at least what I imagine those gates are gonna look like. Yeah I know, like I’m ever gonna see’em.

I had it bad, and I was back so deep in love with her, I knew I was never getting out. I wasn’t gonna be able to push her away this time, that whole strategy was impossible now. It was way obvious that she was everything to me, and man how I wished I was even half of that to her.

Problem was and always had been, I wasn’t even a fucking blip on her radar. Oh sure, right now she was noticing me because I was in her face. I was the only one strong enough to stop her, the only one with firsthand experience with what she was going through. Nobody else could handle her or understand the shit that was going through her head, but I could, all the way.

Want an example? No prob. That little heart to heart we’d just shared, well it was sure a nice moment. Real progress had been made…right. When nap time was over, B was gonna be way over on the cranky side. Why? ‘Cause she was gonna be pissed off that she’d said all the stuff she’d said.

See, that’s how it goes. You build up a wall, the cracks start showing, and each time somebody manages to slip through, could even be yourself doing the slipping, it feels so good. But then it gets painful again, and you suddenly remember why you built the fucking thing in the first place. No way can ya go without it now, and you wonder what the hell you were thinking going all soft, even for a second.

What makes it crazier is that everybody expects you to just stand there with no protection and feel the pain. Not fuckin’ likely, not when if you just shore up the wall a little bit, you’ll be all safe again. Seems pretty clear everybody else is outta their goddamn minds.

Plus to turn yourself around, you gotta admit you been heading the wrong way, and that’s so tough to face. Means everything you’ve thought and done has been wrong, and how the hell are you supposed to make up for that?

You can’t deal with it, least that’s how you feel. But just like everything else you been doing, that’s wrong too. Then to make it even tougher, that wall’s still right there, promising it can keep you safe and make everything stop hurting. It takes everything you’ve got to walk away from it, to see it for the lying bitch it really is.

There’s nothing to do but face up to it, there’s no other way to get clear. It’s hard at first, seems fucking impossible, but it goes easier just like everything does as you go along. But at first, oh man do you ever resent the hell outta the person who first started chipping away at those cracks.

You wanna make that bastard pay for slipping through your defenses, then pulling you along for the roughest ride of your life. Even when it gets better, it’s not some big Broadway musical. It’s down and dirty, and it’s mean.

If you want some proof, just ask Angel. He saved me, no fucking doubt about it, and I owe him every second of my life since then. I knew it right from the start, and still I heaped as much shit on him as I possibly could.

He’d come to visit me in prison, and I’d confess, confide, and connect with him. Next visit, I’d just be aching to stake his undead ass. I’d hate him, and tell him so. I’d scream at him to never come back, or I’d just sit there and give him the silent treatment.

Angel got it, he knows what it is to hate yourself. He just hung on tight and waited me out, and eventually I stopped doing it. But it can take a while to get that anger and hurt out, and you need somebody strong who can deal.

Soulboy was my savior. Far as I’m concerned Jesus is fine, but it’s Angel who I believe in. He was down there in the trenches with me, and I didn’t see anybody else. That means it’s a big debt I owe him, and that’s why I’ll always keep in touch with him. He knows if he needs me, I’ll coming running, no matter what.

We used to talk regularly, but after I left B, I had to cut way down on him and me. I set up a special phone number that’s just for him, and I check it twice every day in case he has some kinda emergency. Otherwise, he’s got no way of reaching me.

I used to call him every coupla months, and we’d talk briefly. I made him keep it to just info comments, ya know like how business was going, where everybody was living, what cases he was working on. No personal stuff was allowed, and definitely no “Buffy” personal stuff. He didn’t like the change, and at first he tried to ignore my new rules.

No clue how many times I hung up on him, and eventually I had to taper off on the calls until we were down to just once a year. I threatened him a few times with a complete cut-off if he didn’t play along, but of course I never woulda done that, and he knew it.

Still, just the threat alone showed him how desperate I was to get away from B. And even though I love the guy and it hurts like hell not to talk to him, I ended up having to let things go that way. He understands, better than anybody. That whole “been there, done that” deal.

Man, all these relationships are just great, aren’t they? We’re all mixed together like some inbred freaks, and none of us can do anything without it leading us right back to Buffy. The whole world just revolves around her, half of us in love with her at one time or another, and all of us counting on her to know what to do and when to do it. Sure is hard to figure why she finally snapped.

The problem though, is that’s just the way it is. And until she dropped dead and stayed down, it always would be because Buffy was the Slayer. The Slayer.

Sure, I was one too, in fact it was me who was the real one. The line was running through me now, and when I died another girl would get her ass called. Uh-huh, right. Whatever they say.

But anybody who’s been following along with the story knows damn well who The Slayer is. Don’t matter how many other chicks try to claim the title, there’s only one. She’s carried the load way longer than anybody else ever has, and no one can do it like she can.

Nobody who comes after her will ever come close either, they just can’t and neither can I. Line’s running through me? Yep, but the truth is: B is the fucking line.

Now how the hell did I get way over here? What I had to focus on today was today. B was almost back, and I needed to stay sharp. No way did I wanna let her squirm off the hook here, not when all the weeks of hard work were looking to pay off. It was crunch time, and I had to make sure B got her money’s worth.

She was gonna be waking up a little mean and down, that was okay. Nothing I hadn’t already had the pleasure of dealing with. I’d just ride it out, and make my moves when I needed to. I wasn’t letting her backslide, not when her chance was so close I could fucking taste it. This was her moment, and she was gonna take it.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Gotta say I called that. B made her appearance, her reappearance…She got up, okay? Was just getting ready to go get her when here she came, and man did she look like shit. She also looked mad as hell, and everybody else could see it too, so they all gave her a lot of space.

After what I figured was enough time for her to kinda settle back into things, I thought maybe I could help her out by distracting her. Kind of a dumb move on my part when you consider it was mostly me she was mad at. Still, ain’t known for my brains so much as my guts.

“Hey B, wanna maybe swing by the mall and…”

“No.”

She was hunkered down in the chair, her eyes burning a hole through the carpet.

“Well the workout room still needs some shit done. We could…”

“No.”

“Got that movie Xander swears is funny. Needs to be back by tonight, so ya wanna watch…”

“No. Just shut up, will you?”

I did, for a while. She finally got tired of sitting with me, so she got up to head into another room. Well, no way was I leaving her alone. Far as I could tell, this was when she was going try and pull away. Not only was I not gonna to let her, I was gonna pull her in the other direction.

We were walking along when she suddenly stopped, and turned to face me:

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Looks like I’m headin’ to the kitchen.”

“It also looks like you’re following me.”

“Doin’ that too.”

She looked more than ready to slug me.

“Why?”

“Don’t want you alone today.”

“Why?”

“’Cause you’re trying to get away.”

That pissed her off, and she tried to go all high and mighty:

“I am not! I’ve have no intention of running away, I’m merely…”

“Maybe not physically, but that’s not what I’m gettin’ at.”

She didn’t like that I was onto her and she opened her mouth to say something shitty, but Xander and Dawn came in before she could.

“Hey guys, look what the Dawnmeister and I scored!”

He held a videogame out about two inches from us. My eyes went all blurry as I tried to focus.

“That’s right ladies, the brand spanking new edition of ‘Grand Theft Auto’!”

Dawn snatched it away from him:

“It’s set on Mars! How cool is that?! Come on, we can all play on teams.”

Buffy looked confused and unsure what to do:

“…Uh, I…I don’t…I’m…”

“Sounds great, Squirt. You guys go set it up, we’ll be right there.”

They took off, and B spun me around to face her:

“Are we back to this? You can’t tell me what to do anymore!”

“Buffy, stop this. I don’t wanna tell you what to do, but you’re being an asshole. If you can’t figure that out, I’ll do it for ya.”

She still looked mad, but maybe not enough to hit me.

“Look B, I know everything’s weird and confusing today, and I know you’re hurting too. Ya need somebody to take it out on? I’m right here volunteering, but you are not gonna blow this with Dawn. She’s excited, and so you’re gonna get your ass in there and play a videogame with her. That’s it, that’s all you gotta do.”

“Faith, I don’t…”

“Your sister wants you to play, and since she’s already pretty much forgiven you for all the shitty stuff you did to her, I’m thinking it’s the least you can do.”

“…Fine.”

She went into the front room like she had a stick rammed up her ass, but she went. It didn’t take her long before she actually started enjoying herself. Her and Dawnie were ganging up on Xander, laughing and trash talking the whole time while he was bitching and moaning and promising payback.

I ended up not playing. I wanted it to be just them having fun together, so I sat in a chair and watched while I made us a shitload of stakes. They played for a coupla hours, then came the scary announcement:

“Sorry guys, I can’t play anymore. I need to get dinner started.”

“What?! You?! You’re cooking dinner?!”

Dawn didn’t look happy:

“Just what are you insinuating, Xander Harris?”

Xander looked like a deer in the headlights, and Buffy was doing her best to look invisible.

“Me?! Nothing. I’m just so excited. It’s so good to have you cooking for us again! You know how I love to eat…food, you know?”

Dawn was on her feet now, looking so much like B it was funny…and scary.

“Well what else would you eat?”

“Ha,ha,ha, that’s so funny! I mean, it’s right…right as rain. So um…Dawn, what are you making…to eat…food wise?”

“It’s a surprise, you’ll just have to wait and see. I can tell you though, that it’s my own creation.”

B let out this moan like she was being killed, but I think you could only hear it if you had Slayer hearing. Xander had to say real words because Dawnie was staring him down.

“Good God! I mean, good God yummy sounding good. I hope it’s just as good as…as your famous peanut butter and salami jello.”

“Ooh I forgot all about that, I can’t believe you remembered! Maybe I should make that for dessert?”

All three of us chimed in then:

“NO!!!”

“What?”

B went back to practicing being Sue Storm, and I went back to the fine art of stake whittling. That left Xander to deal alone.

“We just meant you’re already doing so much, and we don’t want you having to do more. There’s plenty of time…way too much time for that later.”

“Aw, thanks you guys. But it’s not work because I really want to do it. Besides, there’s always room for jello. Now nobody offer to help, I want to do it all by myself!”

She ran off into the kitchen, and left the three of us just sitting there in all the different levels of terror.

“God, what are we going to do?! Buff, can’t we knock her out?”

“That’s a good idea. Just give us the word B, and the problem goes away.”

“We cannot knock Dawnie out…Hey, maybe we could knock each other out instead?”

Xander was up in a flash. Was kinda scary, I had no clue he could move that fast.

“Buffster, you’re a genius! Okay, me first. Faith, make sure you hit me hard enough to hospitalize me...”

“For real now, what the fuck are we gonna do?”

“…for at least several weeks. Maybe break my jaw so I won’t be able to eat anything.”

Buffy turned off the game and leaned her head back against the couch:

“This is like a never ending nightmare.”

“Yeah, it’s like a bad dream we can’t wake up from too.”

“That’s what B just said, only way better.”

He sat down next to her, his head in his hands:

“See? It’s already like we’re stuck on a repeating loop of horror.”

I nudged Buffy with my boot:

“This is all your fault, B.”

She tried to look innocent and sweet:

“Okay guys, now let’s not turn on each other.”

"Why the hell not?"

"This dinner’s aimed straight at you, and us innocent bystanders are gettin’ mowed down in the crossfire, remember?”

“’Innocent’? Not likely, Faith.”

“Sorry B, but I haven’t even been around. She’s not mad at me.”

Before B could respond, Xander jumped in:

“Uh, Faith? Dawnie was pretty upset when you just left like you did. I think it’s entirely possible she’s…”

“Yeah okay, but still pissed enough to cook a buncha British food?”

“She’s making a good point Buff, and I know I haven’t done anything to…Oh sweet mother of God! Remember when she was thirteen and I said that boy she had a crush on was weird looking?”

Buffy rolled her eyes:

“Xander, I doubt she’s holding a grudge from…”

“But she swore she’d have revenge…that vengeance would be hers…I think she even swore a blood oath. Oh God…Okay guys, don’t panic!”

“Xand…”

“I think I’m panicking!”

“Hey B, maybe I really should bust his jaw.”

“Xander…”

“You two are Slayers……Well? Start slaying!”

Buffy grabbed him by the shoulders and made him look at her:

“Xander…Xander!”

He finally shut the fuck up.

“Now as I recall, you bought her an ice cream cone, two scoops, and she forgave you. Remember?”

“Yes…Yes I do. Oh thank God, this isn’t about me.”

“No, it’s not.”

He gave her a little hug, all sympathetic but relieved too.

“I guess it is all your fault then, Buffster.”

“Yep, I think it is.”

We all sat quiet, then Xander piped up all cheery:

“Oh darn, I think I just got an emergency call from the site. I guess I’ll have to miss dinner this time around.”

He stood up to go, but with two Slayers holding onto him, he didn’t go far.

“Sit your ass back down, Patch. We gotta suffer, you gotta suffer.”

“But how’s that fair? We all agree she’s after Buffy, so…”

“Guess it’s like the mob. You can join, but you can never leave. Leastways not alive. Now be a man, and stay put.”

“She’s right, Xander. Besides, how bad can it be?”

We all went silent, then began laughing hysterically. When I say “hysterically”, I mean like the literal definition of the word. This was one nerve-wracking sitch for sure.

Everybody just hung around the house, mostly keeping an eye out in case somebody tried to cut and run. B’s mood kept going up and down, but that was okay. Everybody else just stayed clear of her, and I was her shadow.

To avoid talking to me, she pretended to read a book. Either she was seriously challenged or she was stupid, ‘cause I put her reading pace at about one page an hour.

“B?”

“…”

“B?”

“…”

“Buffy!”

“What?!”

“Whatcha readin’?”

“A book.”

“Yeah, I got that. What book?”

She looked like I was asking her a trick question, and I guess since she had no clue, I kinda was.

“It’s really good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

”Cool. What’s the title?”

“The title?”

“Yeah, ya know. What’s it called?”

She was stumped, but trying to bluff her way through.

“What, are you doing a book report or something?”

“Just wanna know the title.”

“I don’t know, I’ve never heard of it before. It’s good though. Well obviously, since I got so engrossed in it, I didn’t even notice the title.”

“Book’s right on your lap, just gotta look down.”

She did, and her face turned red.

“So what is it, B?”

She completely mumbled the info.

“What? Couldn’t quite…”

“The Bible, okay?”

I laughed because how could I not?

“Ya know, think I mighta heard of that. Supposed to be a real page turner.”

“I guess Giles must have been using it when he was reading his new Codex Prophecy.”

“Well, I’ll let ya get back to it. Just to give ya the heads-up though, I heard it really picks up in the second half.”

“Shut up.”

We both started laughing, and the tension that’d been building all day, just kinda went away.

“Hey, B?”

“Uh-huh?”

“You’re doing good.”

“Oh yeah, I’m doing great. I’m acting like I’ve got the worst case of P.M.S. in history.”

“True, but at least you haven’t punched me in the face.”

She smiled at me:

“Not yet, anyway.”

“You been doin’ good all day. It’s not easy to do, but you’re doing it. Spending time with Xander and Dawn, hauling in books for Giles and helping him get’em organized, figuring out which outfit Red should wear. Fuck B, ya even made time for the Lord.”

“Oh yes, I’m very well-rounded.”

“Course you got your biggest test comin’ up, so don’t get cocky.”

“You mean…”

“That’s right Blondie, it’s the dinner from The Hellmouth!”

“Wow, talk about scary and tough.”

I went back to flipping through some stupid magazine, but B wanted to talk, for real:

“Faith…I don’t know if I can do this. It’s so hard, and it hurts.”

“I know it does. I’ll tell ya what somebody told me once: it’s supposed to hurt. All that shit you did to everybody else is coming back on ya. But it’s gonna be okay B, you just gotta hold on and keep doing exactly what you been doing. You got it beat, don’t think ya don’t.”

“You really believe I can make it, don’t you?”

“Know you can. You know it too, ya just forgot is all. Just need to keep taking it step by step, minute by minute, and ‘fore you know it, it’ll be rolling and you’ll be fine.”

She got this look on her face then, no clue how to describe it. She looked like she was glowing or something, and she was looking at me like…like she thought I was worth something. It was like she was actually seeing me, and liking the view.

“Faith, I just want to…”

Right then Red chose to come in and receive her “Worst Timing Ever” award, and I wanted to kill her. But shit, she looked so sad, I decided to show her some mercy. Unfortunately, she hadn’t come to return the favor:

“Guys, dinner is ready.”

“B, can you bring your Bible? Think we’re gonna need some divine help.”

B stood up looking queasy already:

“Let’s just go and get it over with.”

“Quiet you two, or she’s going to hear you!”

Was she trying to say that would be a bad thing? Might be just the thing to save our lives, but Red was more interested in protecting Dawn’s feelings.

“She’s really excited about this, so don’t ruin it for her.”

“Yeah, bet she’s never had the chance to kill so many people at once before. No wonder she’s excited, she’s…OW!”

“Shhh!”

My arm was throbbing, and I grabbed onto it.

“Fuck Red, that fuckin’ hurt!”

B had this little smirk going, like I was a wimp or something.

“Come on F, stop being such a baby. Besides, I doubt she wants to kill us. I’m sure she just wants to make us all suffer an agonizing…OW!”

“I mean it you two, not one more word.”

Buffy was rubbing her arm:

“Willow, that hurt!”

“And there’s more where that came from. Now behave.”

“Geez, take it easy. No need to go all black-eyed and shit. We’ll be good.”

“Yeah, we’ll be good, Will. Slayer’s honor.”

B looked at me, I looked at B, then Red looked at both of us.

We marched into the dining room, trying to look happy to be there. Think we did pretty good, at least Willow stopped roughing us up. She did keep staring at us though, like she could intimidate us or something…Yeah okay, fine. She could, and she did.

So the Scooby Gang and guest were all assembled, and then right on cue, the Master Chef came in looking all happy and cute…right. She wasn’t fooling me, not for a second. She was a killer, and there wasn’t a thing anybody could do to stop her. Bon fucking appetit.

Chapter Twelve

Dawn’s dinner was flat-out delicious. Turns out she’d been taking some cooking classes or something. You couldn’t have found a more surprised group than all of us, ‘cept Giles who was a skunk who knew all about it and played along.

Got no idea what all the food was called, but I know I packed it away like it was my last meal. Everybody else ate like pigs too. Dawnie threatened Xander with that rank jello combo from earlier, but what she gave us was chocolate cake. By the time that was gone, I was fucking stuffed.

Giles took off for some watching the paint dry meeting, and B, Willow, and Xander volunteered to do the cleanup. That left just me and Julia Child, so I figured now was as good a time as any to have our talk. We were long overdue for it, so we headed out back and sat down on the bench by the birdbath.

“That was an awesome spread ya laid out, Squirt.”

She looked really proud and pleased with herself, and she oughta. Isn’t everyday ya get to blow everybody away.

“Thanks. Pretty big surprise, huh?”

“If G-man tells us he’s a woman tonight, well ya still got him beat.”

We both laughed thinking about that whole scene.

“So Dawn…”

“So Faith…”

“Guess we oughta talk.”

“I guess.”

I took a deep breath and just said it, no sense dragging things out:

“Wanna start off by telling you as real as possible that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left without telling you goodbye.”

“Why did you?”

“Lotta reasons that are too hard to…You know what? Screw that. I’m gonna tell ya straight, but I need you to keep it to yourself. Can ya do that?”

She was all pissed and excited at the same time:

“Of course I can! I’m not a little kid anymore.”

“No, you’re not. Okay then, here it is: I had to go, I didn’t wanna. It was hard to make myself leave, and I knew if I started doing the goodbyes, well no way was I gonna be able to do it.”

She turned to look at me dead-on, her eyes all serious as they drilled into mine:

“Why?”

“Because I loved B, and she didn’t feel anything like that for me. It was killing me, and I finally just had to go.”

“Oh…….Ohhh…”

“Yeah, I’d say that about sums it up.”

We sat still for a while, both of us surprised. Her with the truth, and me ‘cause I’d said it so easy. After a few minutes, I decided to get it back on track. Me loving B wasn’t really the point of this talk.

“Anyway, that’s still not a good excuse for the way I treated you. You were definitely owed a heads-up before I bailed…I’m sorry, Dawn.”

“…”

“It was just fucked up, all of it. I was fucked up, and I felt like I was gonna die for real if I didn’t haul ass, so I just motored. Not the best thing I’ve ever done.”

She looked at me just like that little girl I’d met so long ago, and I felt like shit.

“No it wasn’t. It’s just…well it really hurt, you know? It was like you didn’t care about me anymore, like maybe you never really did. I kept hoping for a long time that you’d call or write to me, and when you didn’t, it seemed like you’d just forgotten about me, about all of us.”

Fuck…

“That’s not true, that won’t ever be true. You’re the closest I’ve ever come to family…I guess running off without saying shit isn’t a great way to show how much I care.”

Then she did something incredible. She smiled at me and gave me this big hug.

“It’s okay, stuff happens. I’m just glad you’re back.”

What a great kid she is. As far as I could tell I didn’t deserve her forgiving me, but she did, and right or wrong I was gonna take it.

*

We finally pulled loose and sat looking up at the stars. I never did get that shit. It always looks like a buncha lights just hanging up there, all hit and miss. Big Dipper, my ass.

“Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“You still love her, don’t you?”

I just kept staring at the stars, hoping I could wait her out.

“Have you ever told her?”

“Nope, don’t have the guts for that. Wouldn’t matter anyway.”

“But if you told her, then maybe she’d…”

“Hey, it’s cool. That’s my shit to handle, and I don’t want you worrying about it.”

Dawn’s like Buffy in a lotta ways, probably why I like her so much. Once she gets a hold of something, she’s not putting it down ‘til she’s done with it.

“But Faith, if she knew she might…”

“Dawnie, I appreciate the concern, really. But sometimes things just…well sometimes they’re not meant to be, ya know? This is one of those, and it’s okay.”

“Yeah but…”

“See, that’s the thing. There are no ‘buts’, much as we might want there to be. Now come on, enough of this shit, let’s talk about somethin’ else.”

Oh fuck, the look on her face.

“Hey now, remember you promised me?”

“…”

“Dawn…”

“I know I promised, but…Okay, I won’t say a word.”

“And?”

“Fine, no hints either.”

“Thanks.”

“But you’re making a mistake.”

I decided to ignore that, and get the conversation to someplace else:

“Man, can’t believe how grown up you are. Bet ya gotta beat the boys off with a big ass stick.”

There was a bit of a pause before she answered, but she let me off the hook:

“Well there is this one guy I wish I had to beat off…Okay, that did not come out right at all. I just mean I wish I knew if he…”

“Give him time, but not too much. If he can’t figure out just how special you are, then he’s way too stupid for ya anyways.”

“That sounds like it could apply to my sister too.”

See what I’m saying? She never wants to let go.

“Now c’mon Squirt, it’s not B’s fault. We got a lot of history standing between us.”

“Maybe, but she’s still an idiot.”

“That’s it now, no more ‘Buffy’ talk. So, any chance this hot guy’s the Brit who keeps calling?”

“Yep, they’re one in the same.”

Her eyes got all dreamy when she started thinking about him, it was all kinds of cute.

“Okay tell ya what, answer me one question and I’ll let you know if he likes ya or not.”

“Can you really do that?! From just one question?”

“Hey, it’s me. Course I can. Just make sure you really wanna know ‘cause I’m not gonna sugarcoat it for ya, no matter which way it goes.”

She thought it over for a few seconds:

“No, I want to know. Ask me, Faith.”

“Okay. Has he made any plans to come here?”

“He’s coming to California when the semester ends. He’s going to stay with his aunt for three months.”

“He’s all yours.”

She stood up, did this weird jumping in place thing, then sat back down.

“Really? Faith, are you positive?”

“Hey, I ever been wrong about shit like this?”

“No…No! Oh my God, he likes me!”

“And way more than just a little.”

She hugged me like I’d set them up.

“This is just great!”

“Sure is.”

“He’s so handsome too. And smart and funny and sweet and…”

She went on singing his praises for quite a while, and it was really adorable.

“Why are you smiling at me like that? Am I talking too much?”

“Nope. Just happy to be with you, Squirt. Shit, guess I oughta stop calling you that.”

“You don’t have to, I kind of like it. Besides, I guess I’ll always be a squirt to you, no matter how old I am.”

“Yeah, think that’s how it goes.”

“It’s nice to have a nickname again. Spike still calls me…I mean, he used to call me…”

“’Nibblet’ and ‘Little Bit’, I remember. I was really sorry to hear what happened, he was a great guy.”

“…Yeah.”

She suddenly looked like she was gonna cry, and it was pretty obvious she needed to talk about him. Guess it’s a Summers’ thing.

“He sure loved you, no doubt about that.”

“Yeah…Did you hear the whole story?”

“Think I did, but interested in hearing your version if ya wanna tell it.”

“Will you promise not to tell anyone?”

“Shit Dawnie, I’m still luggin’ around secrets of yours from when you were a kid.”

She couldn’t help smiling a little at that ‘cause she knew it was true. When she was younger, practically everything out of her mouth had to be a secret, even what her favorite candy bar was.

“Yeah, you never did tell anyone anything if I asked you not to.”

“And the same deal’s still in place. You got something to say, you can tell me.”

She took a deep breath, then another, and I hated how sad she looked.

“It was my fault, Faith. I killed Spike.”

“Not how I heard it at all. How ya figure?”

“I was such a pest, and I made Buffy take me on patrol.”

“Wow, so you’re the one who can make B do stuff. Sure coulda used you the last coupla months.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah I do, and you’re nuts.”

“What?”

“I said you’re fucking crazy.”

She got up, all pissed off:

“Well thanks so much for listening.”

I grabbed her arm and pulled her back down.

“Man, can’t be more obvious you two are related. Just hang on a minute and hear me out, okay?”

She was still mad, but she relaxed a little bit.

“Go ahead.”

“No way Spike dying was your fault. It’s plain as can be all that rests on Buffy’s shoulders. She’s the one who let ya tag along, then when she had the chance to save you guys, she blew it. It’s definitely B’s fault, not yours.”

That had her on her feet again:

“No it wasn’t! Faith, she tried so hard, there just wasn’t anything else she could do.”

I looked like I was thinking it over.

“Guess it’s on Spike then. He shoulda told B he didn’t want you coming along. Plus then he just grabs onto ya when if he’d have just waited a sec, him and B coulda figured out some other way to help you. He shouldn’t have been so reckless and…”

“But it wasn’t like that! It all happened so fast, there wasn’t any time to talk about it and plan stuff out! I was getting pulled in and…”

“And just where the hell was Willow? If she’d have been with you guys like she shoulda been, she coulda used some mojo and…”

“Faith, that’s crazy! She didn’t know what was going to happen!”

“No, she didn’t. Neither did anyone else.”

She sat back down, her face all full of emotion.

“Dawn, it’s not your fault, it’s not anybody’s.”

“But…”

“It was awful, the worst thing that coulda happened, but none of you caused it. How the hell could anybody predict some crazy ass thing like that going down?”

I put my hand on her shoulder:

“Slaying’s a dangerous gig, so’s being the Slayer’s sister and friend. Spike knew the risks, and he chose to accept’em.”

She started crying a little, and I pulled her into a hug.

“It’s not your fault, Dawnie. You know I’d tell you if it was.”

She let it all loose then, and I felt so bad for her. What a shit thing for her to have to deal with, but at least she was getting it out.

“You’re never gonna get over losing Spike. It’s always gonna hurt, just like it still hurts that you lost your mom and Tara. Not a thing you can do about that part of it, but don’t beat yourself up over something you had no control over.”

I just held onto her, and she went on sobbing for a long time. I waited until she was just regular crying before I spoke up:

“I know for a fact what you meant to Spike, and he would never want you thinking it was on you. He did a brave thing, and he did it ‘cause he loved you. Keep doing this guilt, pretty soon you’re gonna start taking away all the good in what he did. That’s not right Dawn, not in any way. He deserves a lot more than that from you.”

She wasn’t bawling anymore, just the sniffles, but she sorta snuggled into me and I kept holding her tight. Wasn’t too long before she tried talking:

“…It’s…It’s just so hard.”

“Yeah it is, but you still gotta let it go. Otherwise, all you’re doing is shitting all over what Spike did for you. Trust me Dawn, there’s gonna be plenty of things you’ll fuck up in your life that you’ll have to feel guilty about. Don’t take on stuff you don’t gotta.”

“…I guess you’re right.”

“Bet your ass I am! ‘Sides, think we both know Spike was a complete glory hound. He’d want full credit for what he did, and he’s gotta be way pissed that you and B aren’t telling his story over and over.”

She laughed at that and sat up.

“Yeah, he’d really be bragging for sure.”

“Like I said, he was a great guy.”

“He liked you a lot too. He tried to explain to me why you left, but I didn’t get what he meant. I do now.”

“Nice to hear he had my back.”

She was done crying, and she looked a lot better.

“He said I shouldn’t hold it against you, that you just couldn’t help it. He said he’d been there, and I thought he meant running off. I didn’t get that he meant loving Buffy.”

“Well, it was nice of him for sure, but I’m still sorry I hurt you.”

“It’s okay, I understand……Not that I understand why all the coolest people fall in love with her. What’s that all about?”

“Guess there’s no explaining it, but I’ll tell ya, talking things over with you has made me realize something.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, I think everything really is B’s fault. Wanna hold her down while I beat the snot outta her? Thinking together we might be able to take her.”

Her smile was huge as she pretended to consider it:

“Hmmm…I guess we’d better not, but boy do I ever wish somebody would have filmed it when you slugged her with the phone!”

“Fuck, shoulda seen it, Squirt. She went out cold, just like that!”

We completely lost it then, I mean screaming out loud, bug shit crazy, totally nuts, lost it.

It was awesome, but then I happened to look up and oh shit, B was making her way over.

“Well the clean-up’s all done. What a mess, but I guess that’s the price you pay for…Hey, what’s so funny?”

“N…N…Nothing, B.”

She wasn’t buying it, how could she?

“What do you mean, ‘nothing’? You guys are laughing like crazy people, how can it be ‘nothing’? Tell me, what is it?”

I had control of myself until Dawn piped up:

“Hey Buffy, do you hear the phone ringing?”

“What? No, I don’t think so. Are you waiting for a call?”

Oh God, I was gone. I had to bend over, and it was a struggle just to breathe.

“Nope, I thought you were.”

Shit, Dawn was trying to kill me or get me killed. She staggered off to the safety of the house, giggling all the way as she left me alone with B.

“Me? I’m not expecting any…Dawnie, are you okay?”

I was praying she’d just shut up, but no, Squirt had to keep going:

“My mistake. Maybe it was a wrong number or a bad connection.”

She went into the house, but even with the door closed we could still hear her laughing.

B turned to me with one of those smiles ya do when other people are making you laugh, but ya got no idea why.

“Faith, what is going on?”

“Uh…no clue, B. Ready to patrol?”

“What do you mean, ‘no clue’? You were laughing too.”

I tried to turn away, but her hand on my arm kept me facing her:

“Okay Faith, spill it.”

I swear to God, I did every fucking thing I could to hold it in, but I just couldn’t do it. I burst into hysterics again.

B just stood there confused, trying to figure it out…out loud.

“Okay, you guys were laughing…Dawnie’s being all Dawnie…And what’s with the phone comments? I don’t…Oh no, you weren’t. Faith, tell me you guys weren’t…You were, you totally were. You’re laughing about hitting me in the head with the phone! I can’t believe this!”

“No, that’s not what we were laughing about. I swear B, it was just…We weren’t laughing about that.”

“Yes you were, I can tell!”

“Honest B, that’s not what we were…”

Dawn had to choose that exact moment to stick her head out the door:

“Buffy, the telephone’s for you!”

She started screaming with laughter again as she slammed the door shut. B whirled around to look at me, but I kept a straight face…for about five seconds.

“I knew it!”

“…Fuck…I…I’m sorry…B!”

Least that’s what I tried to get out, but I was laughing so hard, I don’t think I did too good a job.

B was laughing pretty good too, but before she could really say anything, Xander came walking over to us. Thank God, ‘cause a change of topic couldn’t hurt.

“Buff, I’m glad I caught you before you left. I’ve been meaning to ask you which one of these you prefer.”

Buffy looked all confused again:

“Which one of what, Xander?”

“Cordless, cell, or big heavy head cracker.”

Then he was off and running back inside.

“Xander Harris!”

“Bye, ladies! Time to pursue your calling!”

B looked at me:

“You know, I still can’t believe you did that.”

“Self-preservation. It was either that, or let you kill me.”

“Well I’m just happy all of you are so amused by the thought of me getting my brains bashed in.”

“Was kinda funny…I mean yeah, what the fuck’s wrong with everybody?”

“Buffy, don’t worry. We’ll hold all your calls!”

“Shut up, Will!”

I grabbed her arm:

“C’mon B, let’s go patrol and let it die down.”

“Hey Buffy, watch out for phone booths!”

She turned to head back to the house, but I kept pulling her forward.

“I’ve got an idea Dawnie, why don’t all of you go shove a…”

“Bye, guys! Here we go, B.”

“Everyone’s such a comedian tonight.”

“Aw, poor B. Where’s that famous sense of humor?”

“I guess someone knocked it right out of my head.”

“Well, you were kinda actin’ up. Had to call ya on it.”

“…Is this going to go on all night?”

She was doing her best to look pissed, but the big grin wasn’t helping her much.

“Not sure. Your call.”

“Faith…”

“Okay, not like ya gotta beat me over the head with it.”

“I’d like to though.”

“Alright, I’ll be good.”

“Thank you.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

She let out a gigantic sigh:

“Go ahead.”

“Nah, gonna be mature now…It’s just…well there’s an awful lotta ‘phoning it in’ and ‘playing phone tag’ jokes gettin’ left unsaid. It’s tough to let’em go, but it’s the least I can do for ya, B.”

“Yes it is, F…The very least.”

“Hey, just callin’em like I see’em.”

“Oh, you’re too kind.”

“Fuck, sure got my number.”

We started laughing like nuts again, and she looked so happy and normal, well I kinda lost my head. She was just so damn beautiful with her face all lit up and alive…

Before I knew what I was doing, I was moving towards her. She was still smiling as she just stood there, looking me right in the eye as I got closer. And closer.

Way off in the distance I could hear this voice telling me to stop, but no fucking way could I stop. It was like I was being drawn to her, like I didn’t have a say so. Her smile was so warm, and it was pulling me to her one step at a time. No way could anything stop me, not when…

Next thing ya know, I’m on my ass. That’s right, hard as it is to believe, three vamps picked that exact moment to jump us. Plus they were so damn dumb, they didn’t even peg us as Slayers. Maybe they figured it out as they dusted, but I wouldn’t bet on it.

Well, you know how it goes. The moment was over, and there was no getting it back. I knew it’d never been real, not really, but for a second it had been mine. When it comes to B, that’s the best I ever get.

We kept patrolling, and as we walked around killing bad guys, B did that Buffy thing where she just rambles on about the weirdest shit. She gets it going, and you can barely stay with her. She starts off way over there, then somehow brings it all back around until it makes perfect sense. It’s like listening to the cutest, sexiest, crazy ass genius at work.

She stayed happy like that the whole night, and so did I. I hated for the patrol to end, but everything’s got its limits.

“I guess we got them all.”

“Wanna call it, B?”

“Faith…”

“What? Just sayin’ it looks like time to wrap it up.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Man, gotta read somethin’ into everything? Lighten up a little.”

She looked sorta embarrassed:

“Okay, maybe I was being a little paranoid.”

“Yeah, maybe ya oughta call somebody about that.”

“Faith…”

“Well, we’d better motor. Bet ya got a shitload a calls waitin’.”

“If you don’t stop…”

“Probably so many, it’ll knock ya out.”

“Oh I’m almost positive that someone is going to get knocked out.”

We started walking, me in front of her going backwards so I could see her face.

“I’ll tell ya B, it’s amazing all the special features they offer now. There’s…”

“How old are you?”

“…Call Waiting, Caller ID, Caller Upside the Head.”

“Faith…”

“Ever played phone tag? I have. Once I tagged this blonde chick right in…OW!”

“I’m sorry, were you saying something?”

“Better let go, B.”

“Or what?”

“Got me a calling card, and I ain’t afraid to use it.”

We were both laughing and struggling.

“Oh look, is that a phone booth I see?”

“Since I can’t see shit from down here, gonna let you make the call.”

“Well in that case, I think we should ‘motor’ over there.”

“Sorry B, not budging ‘til you…OW!”

She had me in a headlock, and she started dragging me over to the world’s scariest phone booth.

“Oh come on, I’ll bet you’re just dying to make a call.”

“Yeah now that ya mention it, what’s the number for 911?”

“Ooh, look how shiny it is.”

“You know, think I’m close enough so…OW!”

“Was there any change in the coin return?”

“Nope, guess ya gotta call collect.”

She tightened her grip:

“You know, I’ve heard somewhere if you hit it just right, it’ll jar some coins loose.”

“B, c’mon!”

“Now what can I use? It has to be something hard…”

“Okay, let’s not forget we’re all pals here.”

She moved me closer…Fuck, it was really shiny.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t quite hear you. I think maybe we have a bad connection.”

“Alright, what’s it gonna take to keep my head in one piece?”

“Gee, I don’t know. I think you’re just going to have to accept the charges.”

She made a move like it was time to get started with the collecting:

“Wait! I’ll buy you an espresso.”

“Hmm...Will you make it a double?”

“Sure, no problem. I’ll even throw in a few blueberry muffins…We good now?”

She let go, and the smile on her face was all Buffy:

“Five by five, F.”

Chapter Thirteen

Me and B kept up the steady patrolling, as well as the rest of the routine, for the next coupla weeks. Things were going great, and B was doing really good. She was still a little off in some way, but it wasn’t something you’d spot unless you were looking really hard for it. Of course, I was.

I was thinking it had something to do with her doubting her ability as a Slayer who could get the job done, no matter how tough it got. It seemed to me that Spike’s death had made her lose her trust in herself. If that was really the deal, she was gonna have to come to grips with it for herself. No way could anybody do it for her, not even me.

We were midway through a less than exciting patrol, and I felt like ramming my own head into a tombstone. I was so fucking bored, suicide sounded way better than hours more of this shit. It was shaping up to be one of those nights that were so slow, they made me feel like I was going nuts again.

B looked less than thrilled too, so I decided to liven it up with some fascinating conversation. I was just gonna ignore that we’d already shot our wad on that, like twenty minutes ago.

“Hey B, did Red get the chance to ask ya about…”

“Ask me what, Faith?”

Her tone sounded a little on the aggressive side to me.

“Whoa, trying to tell ya. Wanna not jump down my throat, and maybe let me have a chance here?”

“I just want to know what you and Will have been discussing.”

“And I just wanna tell ya, if you’ll shut the hell up.”

“Why don’t you shut up?”

Okay, I had no clue what was happening, but I decided to be the mature calm one:

“I could, but then that’d make it pretty tough to tell you…”

“You know what? I don’t care, keep your secret.”

“Did I miss something? Feels like maybe a page or ten’s blown right the fuck by me. I don’t know what ‘secret’ you’re…”

“Just how many secrets do you have, Faith?”

What in the hell?

“B, there’s no secret, okay? How the hell could it be a secret when I brought it up in the first fucking place? I’m just trying to tell you…”

“Hey, if it’s so hard for you, do us both a favor and don’t even bother.”

“What in the fuck is…Are you goin’ nuts? Just shut up and let me…”

“Make me.”

“Huh?”

“Make me shut up, if you think you can.”

Did I already say, “What the hell?”

“Buffy, I don’t want you to ‘shut up’ shut up. Just want you to shut up so I can ask you if…”

“Well I don’t care what you want. All I know is that you and Willow feel the need to keep secrets from me. That’s just fine then, keep all the secrets you want to. I’m not going to beg you…”

“B, this is crazy!”

“Oh, so now I’m crazy? Gee, thanks a lot.”

“I didn’t say ‘you’ were crazy! What the hell is…Are you crazy?! Listen to me: there is no fucking secret, okay? I don’t want you to shut up, and I sure as hell don’t wanna fight it out with you. I just…”

She burst into laughter.

“…Uh…B? You okay?”

She tried to talk, but I couldn’t understand a fucking word she said. I started kinda laughing myself, but it was a nervous laugh for sure. I mean, how the hell do you commit a Slayer to the nuthouse?

“Ha,ha,ha…Oh God…Faith, you should have…seen…your face!”

“…My face?”

“I can’t…believe how…funny that…ha,ha,ha…how funny that was!"

“Funny?”

Alright, so I could understand her words now, but I still didn’t understand a thing she was saying. I guess that’s why I kept repeating stuff.

“God, I need to…calm down. Okay…Will was thinking we should just go ahead and repaint the entire dining room and kitchen.”

“…Yeah, that’s what I was trying to ask you about.”

“I definitely agree. Xander’s had to do way too many repairs, so I don’t think we can just do a touch-up. Too many temper tantrums for that. I’m all for another color too.”

“Red suggested yellow ‘cause…B, what the fuck was that?”

She started laughing again, but she got control of herself.

“I was just kidding around. It was so funny how confused you were, the look on your face was just hysterical, and I couldn’t seem to stop.”

“Jesus B, I thought you’d gone bonkers.”

“Sorry. Let’s just ‘call’ it a little payback, F.

“Yeah? Well ‘call’ it what ya want Blondie, but payback swings…”

Both our heads turned at the same time.

“What was that?”

B whispered, so I did too:

“No clue, but didn’t sound…”

We heard it again.

“Was over there.”

”Okay, you sneak over that way, I’ll go this way. Whoever ends up on the backside, holds off.”

I grinned at her, she sounded just like she was supposed to.

“Not the boss of me, Slayer.”

“Faith…”

“Following the plan.”

“Be careful.”

“Middle name.”

We slid into the darkness, and moved without any noise. Turns out, I was the one bringing up the rear. The thing I was standing behind had to be Red’s demon, the one she’d been bitching about pretty much from the moment I arrived.

Me and B had never seen it, even when we were really looking. The attacks had stopped, so we figured it’d split or hopefully dropped dead. Both those ideas were way off base because the bastard was right here, right now.

I wasn’t used to the fear I felt running through me, at first I couldn’t make sense of it. Not trying to say I never get scared, but this wasn’t my normal reaction at all. I was freaking out, and I had to fight with myself not to turn tail and run. Then he swung around sideways, kinda facing towards me, and I got what the deal was.

He looked a lot like that Beast thing that had almost killed me in L.A., when the Fang Gang got their bright idea to let Angelus loose. Son of a bitch almost beat me to death, and although I could see this guy wasn’t him, he looked like a real close relative.

Okay, I had to focus on something else. He was like eight feet tall with these huge ass claws and big sharp fangs on display. His hide looked thick, but not made of stone like The Beast’s. See? Knew if I tried hard enough, I could find some good news.

Red had told us some shit about it, like how it shot out some kinda paralyzing spit to hold its victims in place while it chowed down. I hoped B remembered the info, especially the paralyzing spit. Wouldn’t be good at all if she didn’t.

Bastard was holding some guy who was obviously dead, just recent like. Fucker’d ripped a good-sized chunk outta him, and I pulled my eyes offa that area before I blew my cover by blowing my dinner back up. B was standing right in front of him, about twenty feet away.

That meant she did remember ‘cause Willow’d said the spit could fly about ten to twelve feet. Had to admire B’s style, she didn’t look nervous or scared at all. She just looked like she was gonna deliver death, then head on her way.

She started off all smartassed, but no surprise there ‘cause that’s her way.

“Generally when we do takeout in this town, it’s pizza or Chinese. This isn’t what anyone likes to see.”

“Who dares to interrupt me? Ah, Slayer.”

“The one and only.”

“There are two of you.”

“Sometimes, but tonight it’s just me.”

“I have heard the flesh of the Slayer is sweet.”

“Well I do moisturize, but who really knows?”

He dropped the guy’s body without another glance, and turned to face B head-on.

“I shall soon know.”

“Sorry, but I don’t think so. See I’m kind of choosy about who I let eat…taste…There’s just no good way to finish that sentence, is there?”

He lunged at her with spit flying, but she managed to clear him. She spun in the air and landed facing his back, her stake at the ready. She moved really fast and slammed it into him, right about what you’d guess was heart high. It hurt him but it didn’t kill him, and she had to somersault through his legs as he spun around way too quick.

He was pissed off now, and his back was turned towards me again. I was waiting for just the right moment to jump in, hoping I’d know it when it came.

“Enough of your games, Slayer.”

He spit at her again, and when she dodged, he connected with his hand. His nails sliced her open on the side like she was made of butter, and the impact sent her sailing back. When she hit, she rolled with no delay. Good thing too ‘cause his spit hit right where she’d been.

Blood was pouring down her side, already soaking her shirt and spilling onto her pants and the ground. I could see it hurt like shit, but she was still moving good.

“Soon Slayer, you will tire or bleed to death. I will wait, and then I…”

I landed on his back hard enough to bring him down, ‘cept he didn’t go down. He tried to pull me off, but the angle was all wrong and he couldn’t quite reach me. I was yanking and punching everything I could get my hands on, and he wasn’t too pleased. He started slamming me into a crypt wall, and after the third time, I was in trouble.

B rushed in and stood toe to toe with him. She musta hit him five or six times, actually staggering him before he could respond. But then he kicked her right into the base of a tree, and when I heard the crack, I knew it was on her and not the tree. She was out cold.

Now it was my turn to be not so pleased. B’s stake was still poking outta his back, so I smashed it in just as hard as I could. It sunk in all the way to the hilt, and I pounded on it again. It went in so far, it was gone.

The fucker roared with the pain, and threw me offa him. I had just pulled my own stake, and it went flying from my hand as I hit hard against a tombstone. All the air went rushing outta my lungs, and I knew I musta hit my head hard ‘cause for a few seconds I was too dazed to move. Even when I saw him coming, I just stayed where I was.

His foot stomped down on my leg, and it broke…a lot.

“Slayer # 2, I presume?”

“…In the…fucking…flesh.”

He picked me up, making me yell ‘cause bones hurt when they rub together.

“Two Slayers in one night. A bountiful feast to remember. I believe I will enjoy you tonight, and keep the other for later.”

I sucked it up, put all my weight on my broken leg, and kicked him right in the face with my other foot. Ya can’t beat steel-toed boots, and one of his fangs busted right off. He started screaming bloody murder, but it didn’t matter to me. I was back on the ground doing my own screaming.

“Thiss you will wegwet, Swaya.”

I started laughing:

“That’s what…they all…say. Course most ain’t…got the…sissy boy lisp…you got goin’…AAH!”

Bastard broke my leg again, and I almost passed out.

“They’s no nwed to pawawyze you, Swaya. The tasth will be eben sweetah, the pwain moe fow you.”

“Fuck you…you…fuckin’…”

He jerked me up, and I looked for any weapon or a way to break loose. I couldn’t reach B’s stake, and mine was gone too. Not that they did all that much good anyway.

I couldn’t reach my knife either, and I was thinking my hand to hand skills were pretty fucking limited or more likely, non-existent. All I knew was that if he killed me while B was unconscious, she was dead too. Either or both of us dying didn’t sound real good to me.

I couldn’t see her from where I was, but I started hollering anyway:

“B! B! Buffy Summers!”

That got me a smack in the face that almost knocked me out.

“Shh, leth not dithurb ha. Mmm…you will bwe dewicious, Swaya.”

Then his head was spraying like the world’s grossest piñata.

B was swinging what looked like a redwood at him again and again, and by the time she stopped, he didn’t even resemble a bloody pulp. I was back to laying on the ground, and my leg was killing me.

“Think ya…got him…slugger.”

“I’m just making sure. I’m going to take your knife, okay?”

“Fine, but…what…”

Before I could get the question all the way out, B was busy sawing off his head.

“Uh……B?”

“Either I’m not taking any chances, or I’m working out some issues.”

“Got my…blessing.”

She wiped the blade on the grass to get it clean.

“Besides, I don’t want him coming back to life like in every stupid horror movie.”

“Yeah well…not much…chance of that…now.”

She stuck my knife into her waistband, then bent down to examine me.

“Can you walk?”

“Sure, just not…anytime…soon.”

“Okay, I’ll carry you.”

“B, gotcha a…nasty cut…Lost a shit…load of…blood plus ya…got two…three ribs busted.”

“He must have had some of that paralyzing stuff on his claws because it’s not hurting that much yet. I’ll carry you on my other shoulder.”

“No…I’ll just…hang here…while you…go get help.”

She looked at me with this teasing kinda smile, but I could see she was serious too:

“Excuse me, no way am I rolling the dice tonight. There’s not going to be any blood on my hands, especially not yours. You see Faith, I’m all about doing the right thing.”

Oh fuck, did that ever make me laugh.

“Truer…words have…never been…spoken.”

“You’re damn right they haven’t. Okay now, this is going to hurt.”

“Don’t it…always.

She lifted me up onto her shoulder, and it did hurt. Both of us. Every step she took jarred my leg and had her grunting and groaning, but she kept on moving. Can’t say I minded a bit when I passed out.

I woke up in B’s bed with her sleeping right next to me. The whole room smelled like antiseptic, blood, and Buffy, and though I’d be the first to admit it’s pretty far from normal, I just couldn’t imagine a better smell than that.

I looked over at her and wondered how it was possible to be a real person, and still be so fucking beautiful. Guess it was ‘cause she was. I snuggled in closer to her, cursing the homemade splint on my leg because it kept me further away than I wanted to be.

Still I made it close enough, and as I drifted back to sleep, I breathed in deep. Now all I could smell was her, and that was by far the best goddamn smell in the world.

Chapter Fourteen

Took about two and a half weeks for my leg to heal up, and of course I milked it for all it was worth. Had everybody at my beck and call, and I was livin’ large. Told’em the story over and over, and it was different every fucking time. Heard somewhere that it helps keep an audience interested if ya keep it fresh.

B needed four days before she was okay, and we spent a lot of time watching movies and playing videogames. It was fun, but it was also fucking annoying because she beat me every single time we played a fighting game. What the hell was that all about? Goddamn games gotta imitate real life? Even when I got a busted leg? No way was that fair.

She trained everyday with Giles after breakfast…and yeah, I was greeted every morning at 7:00 fucking a.m. by a way too happy Buffy Summers. I wanted to kill her, but the grin on her face was pretty damn cute.

“Now Faith, I know you know just how important it is to keep up the routine…no matter what.”

“Fuck you, Slayer.”

“Wow, that sure is a bad attitude. I hope I don’t need to bring the phone up here.”

“B, c’mon! My leg fucking hurts!”

“Okay I’ll tell you what, let’s compromise. If you come along peacefully, I’ll let you have my bacon.”

Not too much you can do when they quote you back to yourself. I did throw my pillows at her almost every morning, so I know I had her scared.

When I finally got back on both my feet, we picked up our normal routine. It was clear right away, don’t ask me how I knew I just did, that B was fine. It had let go of her, and she was just herself again. I was way relieved and happy for her.

Was about a week after my leg had recovered, when B asked us all to head to the front room after lunch. We went in and got settled, but B just stood by the fireplace looking really nervous. Finally she took a deep breath and just dove in:

“I’ve already spoken to you guys individually, but I wanted to say this to everyone all at once. First, I am so sorry for everything. I went crazy, and I don’t really have any other excuse. There just aren’t any excuses for the things I’ve done.”

It was so quiet you coulda heard a pin just thinking about dropping.

“There’s nothing I can do to change what I did, all I can do now is promise you all that I will spend as long as it takes to earn back your trust and respect. I know it could take a long time, I get that, and I’ll wait just as long as I have to. I want to thank you guys for still caring about me. I can’t even begin to explain what that means to me, but it means everything. I hope in time I can convince you of that, but I know I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. If it takes the rest of my life, well that’s fine…I just wanted all of you to know how truly sorry I am.”

No one moved or said anything until Xander stood up:

“Buff, we went through a really rough time and hey, not so fun. But I don’t need any more time. You never lost my trust or my respect, so you don’t need to earn any of it back. I love you Buffy, and all I need is a hug.”

He got one, and B had the biggest smile ever on her face.

“Thank you, Xander.”

Red was next:

“Okay, you know me. Not so big with the dwelling, I mean the bad dwelling. Of course we can dwell on the good later because there’s never enough of that around here, or probably anywhere else either. I’m just glad you’re okay Buffy, I don’t care about the rest of it.”

Then they hugged, and got all weepy doing it. Dawn took her turn when they finally managed to let go.

“Buffy, you really scared me, but that’s over now. You explained everything to me, and I think I get what happened. I do know for sure I don’t want you worrying about it for the rest of your life. We’ve all screwed up a lot over the years, so I guess it was just your turn this time…again. Anyway, I’m glad you’re back. I really missed you.”

B went to her then:

“I love you, Dawnie.”

“Well, duh.”

I figured maybe I oughta pull back on the throttle a little bit:

“All cool here, if I’m gettin’ asked. Least ya didn’t gut me this time around.”

Everybody laughed, and the intensity kinda lessened. That is, until Giles took the floor.

“My turn, is it? Yes well, while I fully understand the desire to put this matter to rest, I’m not at all certain it can be done quite so simply.”

B’s face fell, and I swear I could hear her heart breaking.

“However, if I’ve learnt nothing else from this group, I’ve learnt that nothing is impossible. Buffy, I feel I must tell you that I greatly admire how you’ve come back to yourself. You’re every bit as wonderful as I’ve always thought you were, and no father could ever be prouder of his daughter…Now then, perhaps we would all be better served to place our attention on a more important topic. All in agreement?”

We all were, and B looked like a fifty ton weight had been lifted off her.

The Scoobies had recovered even faster than I thought they would, but it wasn’t a real big surprise. After all they were a team, and more than that, they were a family. Always had been, always would be. Buffy was home.

***********************

Three days later, I had to face it: my time was up. In fact, it was way past time and I knew it. B was fine, the gang was back together, and it was all like it oughta be. There was no reason for me to keep hanging around, and I couldn’t keep kidding myself…I had to go.

I made a reservation for the next day and set out to do what needed doing. Goodbyes were always tough, but this time I had to do them. I was liked a lot more than the last time I left, and ya can’t just pull out on people who give a shit. There’s rules to everything, and even I gotta follow’em sometimes, like now.

My first stop was Xander. He was at his job site barking out orders, and it still floored me that this goofy guy was so smart and in charge of so many people.

“Hiya Patch, got a sec?”

He turned to look at me and he was smiling, even though he looked worried.

“For you, I’ve got hours. Is something wrong?”

“Not a thing. Just came by to tell ya I’m leavin’ for home tomorrow.”

His face kinda fell, even his shoulders slumped a little.

“…Do you have to?”

“Yep, it’s time. Did my job, and now I gotta get back to real life.”

“I’m betting you could find real life right here if you looked.”

“Probably doesn’t get any realer than here, but I’m not gonna find what I want, no matter how hard I go looking. Anyway, just wanted to give ya the heads-up, and let you know how much I admire you for sticking with her like ya did.”

He took his hard hat off, and smiled again:

“Yeah well, what else can you do? She’s Buffy, you know?”

“I’d say that covers it alright. You’re quite a guy, Xander.”

“Faith…”

He hugged me hard, and I gotta admit I got a little choked up.

“Thank you so much. What you did…well there’s no way any of us can ever repay you, but if you ever need anything…”

“Don’t gotta repay me, but I’ll tell ya what. I ever need any construction, doughnuts, or the biggest set of balls I’ve ever seen, you’re gonna be my first and only call.”

“Are you sure you have to go?”

“So sure, they got it written in stone.”

He ran his hand over his face and up into his hair, his eye kinda staring off into space.

“Does Buffy know yet?”

“Nope, I’m gonna wait until the last second.”

“No notes this time though, okay? You have to do it face to face.”

“Don’t worry, I got it covered.”

“Be safe Faith, and know that you’re always welcome here or wherever we are.”

“Thanks, that means a lot to me. Okay, guess I better motor.”

He hugged me again, and he didn’t even seem to give a shit that some tears were running down his face. He really was a great guy.

Next up was Willow. I caught her in the kitchen and asked her to take a walk with me. We went a ways, then I just told her.

“It’s that time, Red. Nothing left to do here, least not for me.”

“What? No, I don’t think it’s ‘that’ time. Did some ‘It’s Time!’ timer go off or something? Because I’ve been thinking that it never has to be ‘that’ time, not really. You can just stay here and ignore all signs of time!”

“It’s okay, okay? There’s just not a place for me here, leastways not the one I want, so I gotta go.”

She moved in and shit, she had a grip on my arm again.

“But Faith, I told you it had to be you because…”

“Red, I know ya mean well, but just let it go. No matter what you and me want it’s not gonna happen, that’s just how it is. Now if this thing was between us, we’d be all set. Unfortunately, that’s not the sitch either.”

She started crying a little bit then.

“Can’t you give her more time? If you stay, maybe she’ll…”

“Not goin’ there. Told me in murder rehab the definition of insanity’s doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Got past that now, mostly. It’s time for me to get back to what’s different.”

“But Faith, she does feel…”

“You know where I’m coming from, and you know I wish I could wait. If I had any real hope, fuck I’d wait for her forever. But I don’t, so I can’t. It’s nobody’s fault, and it’s not what I came back for anyway. I did my job, and now the sun’s shining, the birds are singing, and all’s right with the world again. Can’t ask for any more than that.”

She still hadn’t let go of my arm, and she looked so sad, it made me hurt worse.

“…Will you keep in touch?”

I made myself look her in the eye, and it was tough:

“I’d like to, but you know I can’t. Figures, yeah? Finally got to learn firsthand why B’s so crazy about you…Sure could use a good friend, but I guess that’s not in the cards either. I’m sorry, Willow.”

“When are you going to tell her?”

“Easy now, hell even Xander knows I can’t say it in a note. Figure on telling her tomorrow, right before I take off. It’ll make it a little easier if I just say goodbye and go.”

Ow. Swear she’s got a grip like a Slayer.

“Maybe you should tell her now and give her some time to…”

“Wouldn’t make any diff, least not to her, and it’d just make it tougher on me. Willow, promise me you’re not gonna say anything.”

“But Faith, she has a right to know that…”

“I haven’t asked you for anything since you came to get me, now I’m gonna call in all my markers. I’m asking you not to tell her.”

“I just think you should…”

“Red, I’m askin’, and I’m thinking you owe me this.”

I could see every emotion cross her face as she wrestled with it. I felt bad for her, but I couldn’t give in on this one. No way.

“…Okay, I promise I won’t say a word. But you’re making a mistake.”

“Maybe, but it’s definitely not my worst. Doubt it’s my last either. Anyway, thanks.”

“You’re thanking me?! I’m considering building a shrine to you.”

That made me laugh, partly because it was so ridiculous, and partly because she looked a little serious.

“A shrine, huh? Yeah, sounds reasonable. But hats off to you for coming to get me in the first place, then for knowing how to get me here. B’s way lucky to have you.”

“And you.”

“Guess that explains why my luck’s for shit, B’s got it all.”

She pulled me into a hug, kissing me on the cheek when she did. I felt some tears hit my shoulder and neck, and she could probably say the same.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“Ah, you’ll get over it in no time. Trust me, I’m not that big a loss.”

She looked at me like I was a moron:

“You can stop that. I know you now, and I know just how special you are. I won’t ever forget that, Faith.”

I almost lost it then, but I hung on:

“……We’ll see, yeah? If that shrine gets done, we’ll talk.”

I couldn’t sleep at all that night. The morning finally came rolling along, and it was nothing but normal. We all ate breakfast, then me and B trained, checked the weapons, and kept busy until lunch.

She was in a great mood, joking around with Dawn, irritating Giles like only she can, just being herself. She was also driving me nuts with how beautiful she looked, and I knew right then for sure: I had to leave…I had to.

Xander showed up for lunch and decided to hang around for awhile, I guess to see me off. Everybody ended up together in the front room. B and Dawnie were watching some lame show, Giles was researching who the fuck knows, and Xander and Willow were sitting on the couch just staring at me.

Shit, no way did I wanna do this…

“Hey uh…hey, guys?”

All eyes turned to me, so I just said it:

“I’m leaving for home in about fifteen. My flight’s supposed to takeoff in about three hours, and my cab’ll be here in a few. I’m not trying to be a jerk, I’m just not much good with goodbyes. Well, guess we all already know that, but anyway that’s why I’m just kinda springing it like this.”

Nobody said shit, so I just going:

“Everything’s fine here now. The Slayer and her Scoobies are back in the saddle, and I don’t gotta worry who’s gonna save the world when it needs savin’. Definitely gonna sleep better at night now.”

“Faith, are you truly certain you must depart so soon? I was hoping we could go over…”

“G-man, they always say leave’em wantin’ more. Dying to give it a try.”

“But Faith, you were teaching me how to fight with…”

I went over and gave her a hug, and I couldn’t stop myself from ruffling her hair a little.

“Think your sister can more than handle that. ‘Sides Squirt, much as it kills me to admit it, she always ends up kicking my ass. If you’re gonna learn, might as well learn from the best.”

They all started talking at once, trying to convince me to stay. It felt good to be wanted and liked by these people, but as much as I was dying to stay, I knew I couldn’t.

B still hadn’t said a word, and I knew she had stuff to say.

“Hey B, could we talk for a sec?”

We went into the backyard and sat side by side on the bench next to the birdbath.

“So, guess I blindsided ya a little. Sorry, but you know how I am. ‘Sides, figure this is a big improvement over last time……Anyway, like I said, everything’s good now. You’re you again, and this ship’s got her captain back at the wheel. It’s time for me to get going.”

“Why?”

“Just is. Got my own life waiting, past time I got back to it.”

Her voice came out so soft, I had to strain to hear it:

“You won’t stay?”

“Can’t, but you’re gonna be fine, all of you are. It’s just like it should be now, and as glad as I am that I could help out a little…”

“’A little’? Faith, you saved my life.”

“Nah, just had a lotta shit dumped on ya, and I happened to have a shovel handy. ‘Sides, I owed you.”

Her answer came out without a pause:

“You didn’t owe me anything, and even if you did, I’d say you way overpaid your debt.”

“Doubt that, but who the hell knows? Just glad it worked out like it did. Nobody’s unconscious, we’re both in our own bodies, there’s no knives in sight, don’t hear any threats gettin’ issued…”

That smile I so loved to see made a surprise appearance.

“We do have quite a history.”

“Yeah, so it’s nice to leave knowing we’re…not sure what to call us. Slayers, patched up enemies, work buddies…Seems like it oughta get clearer as we go, ya know? Point is we don’t hate each other, so…”

“We’re friends Faith, and it’s nice. It’s way more than nice.”

She meant it, I could see she did, and the warmth I felt had nothing to do with the sun.

“Gotta say, I like the sound of that.”

“So do I…God, ‘thank you’ just seems so inadequate.”

“Hey, don’t gotta thank me, B. Save it for Red, was her who came and got…”

“I am thanking you, whether you want to hear it or not. I can’t tell you how grateful I am, what it means to me. There just aren’t any words to…Thank you, Faith.”

She hugged me then, and I was glad she couldn’t see my face. I needed these few moments to pull my shit together, I just loved her so much.

All I wanted was to stay with her, but I couldn’t. The good news was the hug just kept going, and it was a hug she really meant. The bad news, ‘cause of course there’s always gotta be some of that, was that I was gonna have to live on it for the rest of my life.

It finally came to an end, and we pulled apart. It made me feel a little better to see she had tears in her eyes, at least I wasn’t the only pussy here.

“Guess I’d better haul ass, B.”

“I guess.”

“Okay, well…”

“You really are unbelievable, Faith.”

“Gonna pretend ya mean that as a compliment.”

She slugged me in the shoulder, but not too hard.

“Of course it’s a compliment, what else could it be? How you were able to get through to me…”

Now it was my turn to have some balls, and I looked her dead in the eye:

“You wanted to stop B, and you did. Just needed a push, is all. Fuck, you’re Buffy. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever known, and ya got more guts than anybody’s ever had. It’s not being The Slayer that makes ya like that, you could be a cashier and you’d be just the same. Spike had ya pegged just right: you are one helluva woman, a real marvel B, and ya got all my…respect forever.”

“…Faith…”

“Gotta motor or I’m gonna miss my flight. Take care of yourself, Buffy.”

Then I just turned and casually walked away from her. Just went back into the house, did the final goodbyes, grabbed my bag, and hopped into the cab that was waiting. Guy already had the meter running. Whatever.

“Where ya wanna go?”

“Right back into that house. Headin’ off to Hell though.”

“Huh?”

“Airport.”

“You got it.”

“Yeah I do, ‘bout as bad as you can……Fuck.”

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

I woke up early, no idea why. The clock said 6:32, and I could see the power was out. My clock/radio was running on batteries ‘cause after years of living here, I was prepared like any good Midwesterner. Fuck the blizzards.

Figured I’d better see what the damage was, so I climbed out of bed and headed over to the window to check it out. It wasn’t too bad, looked like two, maybe three inches. Wasn’t enough to delay leaving, and it also wasn’t enough to fuck up the electricity either. That was all on the wind, and I could see a few branches were down.

I parked my ass in the little window seat, and stared out like I’d done way too many times to count over the years. I knew this view inside and out, all year round, day and night, but I wasn’t gonna being seeing it for much longer. I had Willow to thank for that.

No way could I stay here anymore, it was time to pull up stakes again and start over. I was all packed, had about twelve boxes which wasn’t all that much to show for five years of living. Still, was way more than I usually had. Most times my stuff saved just right inside a medium-sized duffel bag.

I was really gonna miss the place. It’d been a little safe spot in the middle of a big world of danger. And even though I couldn’t claim I was happy or even peaceful here, at least I hadn’t been nuts either. I’d made something kinda good for myself, just not what I wanted most. Course not many people ever get that anyways, so it wasn’t like I could really bitch and moan about it.

Should just take my ass back to bed or maybe do some last minute thing to get ready, but it looked like staring out the window imagining my new life was all that was gonna happen.

“Hey, what are you doing out of bed? It’s freezing without you.”

“That all I am to ya? A big source a heat?”

“Mmmm…There’s all kinds of heat though.”

I smiled and headed back over to the bed. It was little frosty, ‘specially since I wasn’t wearing a stitch.

“Don’t ya like the cold?”

“Native Californian. I think I much prefer the balmy.”

“What a wuss.”

She lifted the covers with one hand, and pulled me down on top of her with the other. I suddenly felt lots and lots of heat.

“Come here. What time is…6:36? A.M.? What in the hell?!”

“Hey, early riser now.”

She looked at me like I was nuts:

“Early rising’s one thing. This is…We’ve only been asleep for…thirty-four minutes!”

“Well we are Slayers, B. We don’t need as much as other…”

“Slayers or not, thirty-four minutes isn’t nearly enough!”

“…Guess I’m just too excited to sleep.”

Her eyes went all soft, and the smile on her face was a whole ‘nother kinda heat.

“God, you are just so cute.”

She gave me a little kiss after she said, “cute”.

“And sweet.”

Kiss…then nothing.

“Ya forgot cool and tough and wicked sexy.”

“Of course.”

Still nothing, so I rolled off her and turned on my side, facing away from her. The grin on my face was huge, and I struggled to keep it outta my voice.

“Guess ya got a point, though. Few more Zs would be good.”

She yanked me to her, my back against her front as she whispered in my ear:

“We seem to be having a communication problem.”

“But you said you were tired so I’m just…B!”

“See what I mean?”

“Yeah, but think we’re all cleared up now.”

I started to turn to face her, but she held me in place:

“Kinda liking you just where you are.”

“It’s good, but I’d like to…I’d like to…uh…”

Trust me, if you felt B moving against your ass, you’d lose your train of thought too.

Her voice was soft and getting a little strained as she kept breathing into my ear:

“Faith, you are so beautiful.”

“I’m way better from the front.”

“Maybe, but this view’s just so great. Hmm…I know, I’ll just use something other than my eyes to…see…the front……Now that’s just…perfect.”

A minute of that, and I was going crazy. Then she murmured all low and sexy:

“I am so in love with you.”

That did it. I busted loose, spun around, and was on top of her in like two seconds flat.

“I love you too, B. Always have, and I’m always gonna.”

She smiled and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear:

“How did I ever get so lucky?”

Just what me and Red had wondered.

“Could say the same, but I don’t really give a fuck. I’m not ever giving you back if it turns out somebody made a mistake.”

“The only mistake anybody made is the one I made when…”

I stopped her by kissing her for a really long time, and in lots of different places. When I finally let up, she looked all dazed.

“So, you were sayin’?”

“…I was? Saying what, exactly?”

“Wasn’t important, not like this is.”

We kissed again, man can she kiss.

“F?”

“Yeah?”

“Did I mention that I love you?”

“Mighta heard somethin’ through the grapevine about it, but feel free to tell me whenever ya wanna.”

“I was thinking it’d be more effective if I showed you.”

“Yeah, that’d probably be more convincing.”

She rolled us over so that she was back on top, then she started kissing her way down my body. I was moaning and groaning about three seconds into it, and when she started licking and biting, well I can’t really remember what went down. ‘Cept her, of course.

When I got my brains unscrambled, she was still right there with this dangerous and sexy look on her face.

“You were right, you know.”

“’Bout what?”

“You are way better from the front.”

Then we did our thing and after, we just laid there all cozy and warm as we held onto each other. She snuggled into me, her hand moving real soft back and forth on my stomach.

“When do you want to leave?”

“Guess we can go any time. Just need to stop at the package place and ship this stuff, then we’re off.”

“Is it going to be hard?”

“Kinda, but not really. Takes all the sting out of it since I’m off to California with you. I never wanted to be here anyway, but I’m grateful I had this place when I needed it.”

“I am too. I spoke to Angel, and he said we could take our time. He can stay for two more weeks, so…”

“Sounds fun, could be like a vacation for us. I mean, we could do the whole sightsee thing if ya wanna.”

Damn, talk about saying the magic words. B half sat up, her face all excited like a kid at the circus:

“Could we?! I’d love to see the Grand Canyon! Could we see the Grand Canyon?!”

“Buffy, we can see whatever ya wanna see. I’m gonna let you do whatever ya want.”

She laid back down on me, all happy and excited.

“Will this ‘letting me have my way’ thing be in effect forever?”

“Probably.”

“Wow, this just keeps getting better and better.”

We stayed hunkered down, and she fell back asleep. I just laid there, grinning like a fool while I held her.

Can ya believe it? I had her, there was no doubt about it. She was mine and I was hers, and it was a whole new world. A whole new beautiful perfect world.

I was moving back to California, relocating because the love of my life had one of them careers that just won’t let ya move away. As luck would have it, there was a job there for me too. That meant we were gonna be living together, fighting the good fight side by side in Sunny D Wanna Be.

Didn’t see how it could get any better, but then it did. She shifted in her sleep and her elbow hurt me when it…well it sorta pinched me in…on…

Point is she pinched me, okay? Why’s that so fucking great? ‘Cause it hurt, and that meant I wasn’t having one of those dreams I always have.

This was real, and the silky sunshine spread all over my chest was really Buffy’s hair. These were really her arms and legs wrapped all over me, and it was really her heart I could almost feel beating against me. And that smell? It was all her, but with a little bit of me mixed in with it too.

She was also doing this little snoring thing I never knew she did, until a few days ago. She says she doesn’t, but trust me, she does. And just like with everything else B’s got goin’ on, it’s so damn cute and sexy.

Man, if my heart exploded right now and killed me, I’d be going out happy. Hopefully that’s not in the plans though, ‘cause I so want more time with her. I’m hoping for like ten thousand years, but if that’s too unrealistic, I’ll settle for nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine.

Well, plus three hundred and sixty-four days…unless it’s a leap year. Then I’m gonna need that extra day too. There’s just no way I can go any lower than that, so no point in anybody trying to negotiate. I’m gonna hold firm, no matter what.

So that’s the end of the story. Ended just the way it’s supposed to, if ya ask me. The hero got the girl, and everybody’s gonna live happily ever after now. Okay yeah, it is a little confusing since we’re both girls. I mean, how ya supposed to know who the hero is?

Well I know if your life’s on the line, best thing ya can do is pin your last hope on B. Not even a choice ya really need to think about. Facts are just starin’ us all in the face every single day, and it’s pretty clear that nobody, nowhere, no how, has ever seen a better hero than Buffy.

She’s been The Slayer for like a million years now, and there’s never been anyone who comes close to her. She’s the real deal, a genuine ass kicking, do the right thing hero. Always has been, always will be. It’s just her, who she is, and ya don’t gotta have a big debate to prove it neither.

Still, can’t help thinking that maybe just this once, I did the right thing too. Like maybe just this once, I was a hero. Seems pretty clear I got the girl……

What the fuck’s wrong with me? I’m no hero. I never have been and I’m never gonna be. That’s Buffy’s territory, and with her in the race, can bet your ass I’m not even in the running.

But no problem there, I came to terms with that stuff a real long time ago. Ya can’t compete with B, she’s one of a kind. Ya try and match her, you’re just gonna fail. It’s like sayin’ you’re really bright, then trying to outshine the sun. Not only can ya not do it, you’re gonna look like a dumb ass for even trying.

All ya can do is be you and give it your best. Crazy as that sounds, it’s enough, for you and for her. If ya get lucky, sometimes her warmth hits ya every once in a while, and if she loves you? Well if she loves you, you get to live in it all the time. And just so there’s no confusion, “you” means me.

Anyways, the whole hero thing’s stupid, doesn’t mean anything. It’s just that it was kinda tricky and for a sec, well I thought I had a shot at it. Guess it goes to show ya that I’m human after all.

‘Sides, the whole thing’s so confusing when ya think about it. Who could ever make sense of it all? Hell I lived it, and it still has my head spinning. I mean, even if you ignore the whole two chick monkey wrench gummin’ up the works, you’re still left with a mind-blowing sitch. I can’t blame anybody for being confused.

But I can tell ya one thing I’m not the least bit confused about: I love B and she loves me right the fuck back. That’s right, Buffy Summers is head over heels in love with yours truly, and I’m all about keeping it that way.

See for once in my crazy fucking life, something actually turned out the way I wanted it to. The fact that it’s what I always wanted the most, well it’s pretty damn hard to believe. But I do believe it, I believe in it with everything I got.

No doubt, no fear, no nothin’ except this feeling that all is finally right with the world, leastways my little corner of it. And man, does it ever feel good to feel this good. I feel so light it’s like I’m flying, and just between us? I’m never comin’ down.

Guess it’s pretty simple after all, at least from one angle. What’s that angle? Well see, me and B? We’re The Chosen Two. And after all the dust finally settled, we did the simple thing: we chose each other. The End.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Okay, just settle down. Guess ya wanna know how the hell things got where they ended up. Suppose that’s only fair, plus it’s gotta be irritating when you don’t have the whole story. Alright, where the hell was I? Uh…oh yeah, right. Was flying my ass home after saying my goodbyes. Got it.

I got on the plane to go home, knowing at least I’d done what I’d set out to do. B was okay, she was gonna stay that way, and it was back to my own life now. That was a big fucking joke ‘cause as far as I could see, I didn’t have a life, not anymore. I was flying away from my life.

Plane touched down all safe and sound. Makes ya wonder where the goddamn fireball of a crash is when ya need it. I was wondering that again when it took almost three fucking hours to get home. There was an accident backing everybody up on the highway, plus the cabbie drove like an old lady. I had him drop me off in town.

My first and only stop was for supplies. I grabbed eggs, milk, bread, cereal, popcorn, and the most important food of all: a case of Jack Daniels. It was the kinda food I could live on, and I was gonna or die trying.

Next ride went smoother, and I got to the house in a few. The place was empty and lonely just like it was supposed to be, only way worse. I didn’t see how I was gonna do it again, not when every thought I was having was all about her in some way. Experience told me it was gonna be like that for a really long time, probably forever.

It’s asking a lot of a person when ya ask’em to just push their love away like it don’t mean shit to’em. It’s pretty much asking the impossible when ya ask’em for it twice. I didn’t think I was strong enough, and my gut was telling me this time I wasn’t ever gonna be.

Was a way scary thought for somebody with my history, but there was no helping that. It was gonna go the way it went, and there was nothing…Okay, that attitude was way scary too.

I started drinking as I got my gear stowed. At least the electric was still on, it got paid in the rent, so I thought I might as well try some music. Bad idea ‘cause the sound just pissed me off and before I knew it, I had a trashed stereo to toss.

I figured some fresh air would be good, the house could use it and so could I. Fifteen minutes more than did the trick because it was so fucking cold out. Closing the windows was no big, except for the one my hand went through. That one was gonna need something else…later.

It finally occurred to me that I looked like a fuckin’ alky, walking around swigging booze out of a bottle while I busted up whatever I touched. I grabbed a glass and collapsed into my chair. It felt good, and it felt familiar. My hand just felt cut and sore.

Took another hit of my bestest bud Jack, and man was I happy. Oh yeah, woulda done a tap dance right the fuck across the room if I coulda found the energy. Instead I just leaned my head back, and closed my eyes.

Wasn’t that long before I had almost the whole bottle gone, but it wasn’t helping. I knew it wasn’t gonna, not yet. I could always put away a lot of the hard stuff, and since I became a Slayer, well I really gotta fight to get hammered.

It’s not impossible, I just gotta work hard at it. No problem, I had my standards and I could damn well live down to’em. I wasn’t a quitter either, so I just opened up another bottle and got on with it. Sooner or later, I’d get the pain to ease off.

Who the hell was I trying to kid? Nothing was gonna help me. I was gonna feel the pain forever, and it wasn’t gonna fade in time. Even if I managed to get plastered, nothing was gonna ease the hurt. It was mine in all its fucking glory, and also mine was the crying jag I could feel coming on.

Let me tell ya if you don’t know: the first one’s always so special. You know there’s gonna be a million more, but the first one lets ya know just what’s in store for you. Already know crying like a heartbroken baby is gonna be happening on a regular basis, it’s just that the first one really drives it home how fucked up the rest of your life is gonna be.

I started losing it then, doing that deep down crying that comes right from your soul and fights its way out one tear at a time. It physically hurts, like you’re in a fight and getting your ass kicked but good…Guess I was at that.

Still I fought it, tried to keep it away from me, but I couldn’t. The pain was just roaring through me, and there was no way for me to hang on. I started sobbing ‘cause there was nothing else I could do, and just a few minutes into it, there was a knock on my door.

Now what the fuck was it? I’d been gone like eight hours, what could be the big emergency? Willow break a nail? Xander lose track of his patch? Giles finally shove that stick too far up his ass?

Couldn’t they just leave me the hell alone? I did my job, I paid the price, and I wasn’t sitting around crying about it…Okay I was, but…fuck …Just leave me alone!

I threw my glass at whoever, and when that did nothing, I polished off the bottle and tossed that too. Neither throw was too effective, the door was pretty solid and it was locked up tight. Still, the sight of the bottle busting into a buncha tiny pieces was a good one. Factor in that the asshole knocking had to have heard it and received the message, well all I had to say was: “Good fucking bye!”

They didn’t stop, in fact they weren’t really knocking anymore, they were pounding. The door was actually starting to rattle around in the frame, and a busted front door was the last thing I needed. ‘Specially in the Minnesota cold with a window that already needed fixing.

“Fine, fucker! Hold on!”

I got up and walked over to the door, snatching it open as I got ready to kill Willow:

“What the fuck do you…”

“Hi.”

All the air just shot outta my lungs.

I’d felt her there, of course I had, but since I’d been feeling her since I left, I just figured it was like that phantom pain they say amputees get. How weird is that? Guess the nerve endings are so stupid, they just keep right on sending messages to something that’s not even there anymore.

You wouldn’t think it’d be so hard to notice when a piece is missing, but obviously it is ‘cause it happens to just about everybody who…Oh fuck that’s great, I was turning into Willow in my head. Christ.

She just stood there, not trying to push her way in or anything, but she still stood there looking at me. She had three, no, four snowflakes in her hair, and her nose and cheeks were a real soft red that made…

I couldn’t do this, I had to protect myself. She was trying to kill me, and I couldn’t let her.

“So I gotta leave here now? Two uninvited drop byes in just a few months lets me know you people are gonna keep pulling this crap.”

“Can I come in?”

I stood as big as I could in the doorway, my body language making it clear that no, she could not come in. Figured I’d give her the double whammy:

“Look B, I just got back here. Got a lotta shit to do, so…”

Yeah, that was really smooth and tough. I was talking like she’d just popped over uninvited from across the street.

“Faith, please?”

And great. Buffy’s pleading eyes. Like I could ever turn her down when she looks at me like that.

I flung open the door with this big, way ungracious attitude, making it clear I didn’t want her coming in at all. I stormed back to my, and great big emphasis on my front room. I’m not sure what I was doing, but I can admit that I was acting like a kid having a temper tantrum.

It didn’t make a lot of sense. We’d parted on friendly terms, so what exactly was my problem? Guess if I analyzed it, I felt threatened. And sad. And way, way pissed off. How the hell was I supposed to get over her when she came to my safe place, and stood right the fuck in front of me?

She closed the door, shrugged outta her coat, and then we did the whole staring thing again. Great. I’d helped her out, but no way could she return the favor. She could stand there forever with her special “Buffy good intentions”, but what I needed from her she could never give. Not ever, at least not to me.

Having her in my house, having to see her at all was just killing me. Didn’t she get that?

“Okay B, make it fast and leave. Not some pit stop you and your pals can just pull into whenever the fuck ya feel like it. And FYI: I’m movin’. This unannounced dropping by shit don’t work for me at all.”

Now ya say something like that to anybody else, especially as mean as I said it, well they’d get right to their business and go. I made it plain as day I didn’t want her in my house, that I wasn’t at all happy to see her. But of course I wasn’t talking to just anybody. This was Buffy, and B does what she does, and it’s never what somebody else would do.

So what’s B do? She starts walking around, looking at all my stuff. She’s picking it up, turning it this way and that, then putting it back down like it’s all telling her something important. She looked just like I’d invited her over from across the street to see the new place.

“Buffy?”

Oh fuck…then she had my blanket. Ya know, my favorite one. The soft one. She was holding it against her face and breathing in deep, all with a little smile…She could not do that.

“Mmmm…This is the softest blanket I’ve ever felt.”

My breathing stopped completely for a sec. Jesus H. Christ…I was never gonna be able to look at that blanket again without seeing her face all smashed into it...Okay, I couldn’t take anymore:

“There some reason for this visit, or is it just some new torture ya cooked up? We playing the, ‘Let’s Hurt F’ game again, ‘cause I gotta tell ya, I thought we were all done with that. Know for sure I am.”

She never moved, not even a flinch, so I kept going:

“Never was much fun for me, and I don’t feel like helping you get your kicks now, okay? You got somethin’ to say? Then hurry up and say it. I need you gone.”

She didn’t look hurt or mad. She looked…I don’t know exactly. I guess she looked kinda sad, but also determined and way sure of what she was doing and where she was at. I was at a total loss. What the fuck was this?

“I just missed you at the airport.”

“’The airport’? Not following, why’d you go there?”

“I was trying to catch you before you left.”

“B, we just said it all at your place, finally parted as friends. What’re ya doin’ now, tryin’ to fuck it all up? Just head back to your life. It’s all yours again, and it’s gonna be fine. Go home.”

“And what about you?”

I couldn’t keep my eyes on hers, and they sorta slide off to look someplace over her shoulder:

“Me? I’m gonna be fine too.”

She casually put my blanket down, and I could feel her staring at me:

“You’ve been drinking, and considering the case of…’Jack Daniels’ sitting right next to your chair, I’d say you were planning on doing a lot more.”

I didn’t say shit, my brain was working overtime to find a way out of this…whatever the hell ‘this’ was.

“Your hand is bleeding, and there’s a hand sized hole in that window. Your stereo is smashed almost in half, your front door has a big chunk missing from the wood, and there’s broken glass all over the floor. Nothing here looks like it’s going be fine.”

“Yeah well, see that’s the beauty of livin’ on your own. Can do whatever the fuck ya wanna when ya wanna. Can’t see how it’s any of your concern anyway.”

“You’ve been crying too.”

“Tears of joy at being back home. I’m havin’ a little ‘Welcome Home’ party for myself.”

I wanted to sit down, but I just kept standing there like I was frozen.

“Want some company?”

“Sorry, no party crashers allowed. Ya better motor now so I can get the festivities rollin’.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

I almost laughed at that:

“Uh, little late there, B. Case you didn’t notice, I’m already gone.”

“Only because I didn’t get to you in time.”

“No, only ‘cause my plane left.”

Suddenly it hit me, I got what this was all about.

“B, you’re gonna be just fine now. I know it’s scary, but I wouldn’t have left if I wasn’t absolutely positive. Tell ya what I’m gonna do: gonna give you the emergency number Angel has. I check it twice a day, every day, so you get into real trouble, just gotta leave a message and I promise I’ll come right away.”

I walked over to the coffee table, grabbed some paper, and wrote down the number. I was all smiles as I handed it to her:

“But believe me B, you aren’t ever gonna need it. You’re gonna be okay now.”

She didn’t take the number, she never even looked at it. She just kept going like I hadn’t said a word.

“I’ve never gotten to you in time. There’s always been something in the way, sometimes real, sometimes imagined. Angel, insanity, an apocalypse, fear, pride, not believing in what I felt. This time it’s clear, there’s nothing in my way now.”

All evidence pointing the other way, I’m not a dummy. I saw then what this was, where we were heading, and I couldn’t believe it.

It’d been what…ten years? For ten years I’d been in love with this woman, ten years, and even the most optimistic idiot on the planet’s gotta know by now it just ain’t gonna happen.

Too much shit had gone down, too many obstacles had gone up. Angel, Spike, Riley, homicidal insanity, attempted murder, body snatching, jail, anger, pride, mixed signals, betrayal, straightness, and on and on and on.

It was obviously a “no way ever”, and that’s just the way it was. Best I could hope for was a maybe friendly, on your guard acceptance from her. On a good day, I might get something like an irritated fondness, but it’d be a real short burst. That was it, that was all, and anything else was just a bullshit pipedream that hurt like…

“Faith, I lo…”

“Stop right there. I don’t wanna hear this.”

“Faith…”

“I mean it. You are leaving right the fuck now. Under your own steam or mine, don’t matter at all to me. I just know you’re going, and you’re going right now.”

She didn’t budge. I don’t know what her expression looked like because no way was I looking anywhere near her. Her voice was already slicing right through me, it was like nothing I’d ever heard directed at me before, and no way was I gonna let her eyes do a tag-team on me.

“Let me say this. Let me tell you that I lo…”

“Not kidding here, B.”

I wanted to sound all hard and tough, but I heard my voice crack, and I knew I had no hope of pulling it off. Still I kept talking:

“You can’t do this to me. Maybe check back in a few years ‘cause right now I’m just barely hanging on. I gotta let you go again, and I don’t know if I can. You don’t know how bad it hurts, how hard it is. If you say that and don’t mean it, I’m not lying when I say you’re gonna destroy me.”

I looked at her then, and I could see the tears standing in her eyes.

“Please Buffy, don’t do it. Just go home now.”

I felt like I was gonna die when she started walking towards me. She was moving slow and quiet, like she was approaching a scared animal. I wanted to run, but I just stood there waiting.

No pride, no defense against her at all. There was just me and everything I felt for her, standing there waiting while she got closer and closer. I wanted her so bad, I couldn’t even try to save myself.

She stopped about three or four steps away:

“I am so sorry Faith, for all of it.”

She took a deep breath, and then she just let it fly:

“When we met we were just kids, but I felt it. Just like you did, I felt it. I couldn’t understand what it meant, or I wouldn’t, and it scared me. I had Angel, so I fell back on him to avoid dealing with you.”

“B, I can’t hear this. Just…”

“When the accident with Finch happened, I used it as an excuse to pull away. I let you pretend you didn’t care, but I always knew you did. I knew how scared you were, how much you needed me, but I just let go of you because I was a coward.”

“Please Buffy, I’m begging you, okay? Just stop now.”

But I knew she wasn’t gonna stop. Everything about her, her face, her eyes, her voice, her body, it all said she was never gonna stop.

“When we fought and I thought I’d killed you…I just wanted to die. I was so shocked, and all I wanted was to take it back…God Faith, I’d have done anything to take it back. But I couldn’t, all I could do was go save Angel and try to stop the Mayor.”

“I don’t wanna hear this.”

“I had no idea how to beat him, but then you came to me. You saved me, all of us, and that moment gave me such hope.”

I was scared now, more terrified than I’d ever been in my whole life. I was standing in my front room, face to face with Buffy Summers, just frozen to the spot while she said what she had to say.

“The night they called to say you’d finally woken up, I was scared but I still had that hope. I thought that moment we shared…well I thought maybe it meant you were going to be okay again, that we were going to be okay again. But then when I saw you, you were so…you were so…”

“’Crazy’. The word ya want’s ‘crazy’, just like I am right now for letting this go on.”

I tried to take control then. I was tougher than this, and I wasn’t gonna keep standing around saying nothing besides shit that sounded like begging.

“You listen to me now, I don’t wanna waltz down ‘Memory Fucking Lane’ with you. Just leave. Go home!”

“In L.A., I was so angry. When I saw Angel comforting you, I could have killed you both. After everything you’d done, he was holding you and you were letting him. I could see how much pain you were in, I could see how sorry you were, but I was afraid to trust that. If I did and it just turned out to be another game…I couldn’t have taken that Faith, so I had to hold onto all the anger I felt.”

“Goddamn it Buffy, I mean it! Shut up!”

“But then on the roof, I knew. You meant everything you were saying, and when you asked me how to make it better, God I couldn’t keep the anger going. I wanted to, I tried, but I couldn’t. I was right on the verge of telling you it was all going to be okay, and I felt myself starting to reach out to you. But then The Council was there and the moment was gone…and so were you.”

“Is my voice coming out on a fucking frequency that only dogs can hear? This is my place, and I get to decide who stays and who goes. I made my decision: you go. Get the fuck out of here!”

Buffy took a step forward, and finally my legs remembered how to work. Still, I only managed one shaky step back, then just stood still again.

“I was so relieved and grateful when you came back to help with The First. But I was mad too. At you, at fate, at everything. I was just so tired. I’d changed, and not for the better, then here you came all ‘New and Improved’. You made it look so easy, but I knew it wasn’t. I knew what it was costing you to be back, but I just couldn’t make myself be fair.”

It was crystal fucking clear she wasn’t gonna stop, and it was just as plain that despite all my threats, I wasn’t gonna get into it with her physically either. The only way this was gonna end was when she got done saying her piece.

Okay, fine. Didn’t mean I couldn’t do something to help myself get through it. I opened a fresh bottle and chugged down about a fifth of it in one go. My throat and gut were on fire, and I struggled a little to catch my breath.

“When I got thrown out and you almost died, that scared me. I didn’t analyze it, I didn’t want to know. But then we had our ‘hot chicks with superpowers’ talk, and just like that, I felt it again. To my surprise, it was okay, I welcomed it. It made me feel like maybe when the big fight was all over, we could finally be something more to each other.”

I took another big slug, but it wasn’t doing jack shit for me. I was so freaked out, I couldn’t even laugh at that. It seemed way likely I was never gonna laugh at anything again.

“When we won, it should have been nothing but good. But I couldn’t forget all the people we’d lost. So many Potentials, Anya, Spike, and pretty soon all I could feel was the guilt and anger again. People I loved, people who counted on me to save them, they just died all around me and it hurt so much. I shut down and pulled away from you again because that’s what I always do, what I always thought I had to do.”

I started thinking maybe I should just leave the house, but I was pretty sure she wouldn’t let me. She was on a mission, and there wasn’t anybody or anything in the world that could stop her. I tossed my bottle against the wall and watched the booze slide down, making these really weird patterns as it went.

“Still you stayed, and you were such a big help. Then Spike came back, and it was like a miracle. I didn’t love him Faith, not like that, but he made me believe again that good things could happen, that maybe I really could have a life and be happy. Every time I thought about that, tried to imagine it, it was you I saw with me. I knew I had to talk to you, and just as I was getting up the courage to do it, you left…again. No goodbye, no explanation, you were just gone. And I gave up right then.”

Was my turn again, and I did my best:

“Okay B, I let ya get all that off your chest and hey, thanks for sharing. Can feel myself growin’ as a person and everything. Now will you please get the fuck outta here? Leave me alone.”

“I love you Faith, I think I always have. It’s just that you made me feel so much so fast, and it scared me. I wanted you, God did I want you, but I just didn’t know how to have you. I couldn’t handle it, and I messed everything up. I’m so sorry for every time I hurt you, and I know there’s no way I can make up for it all...but I do love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.”

Somehow she’d gotten close enough to touch me, and her hand was brushing along my cheek, all soft and gentle.

“I know you love me too, I guess I’ve always known that…Please, don’t say it’s too late, it just can’t be. I know it’s been a long and ugly road we’ve gone down, but I don’t care. It’s our road, and finally we’re standing here together at the same time and place.”

Her hand touched my hair, then fell back to her side.

“Stay with me Faith. Please say you’ll stay with me…let me love you.”

I just started bawling. Kind of a crazy reaction I guess, but then I’m kind of a crazy woman.

I felt her arms folding me into the warmest hug I’d ever known, and it was like I’d finally been allowed to come in from the cold. After years of just wandering around all alone, wanting something I could never have, I was home.

All I wanted to do right then was tell her that my answer was “yes”. I wanted to tell her I’d stay with her for as long as I was alive, and knowing me, probably a whole lot longer. But there was no way I could form those words or any words at all, so I just kept crying.

She held onto me, and eventually she carried me to my chair and sat down with me on her lap. She wrapped both of us up in my favorite blanket, and we just sat there. I cried for a really long time and when I finally stopped, we still didn’t say a thing.

Musta been half an hour before I spoke up:

“B?”

“Uh-huh?”

“You mean it, right?”

“Yes I do, Faith.”

“Okay.”

We sat without talking for another long stretch, then B broke the silence. What she asked me made my heart stop:

“Can I show you how much I love you?”

All I could do was nod.

She carried me to my bed, and then did exactly what she said she was gonna. I never felt anything like that before, never. I guess it’s what people mean when they say something was like a religious experience.

Only way I can describe it is: I felt her. Everything she was, she just gave it to me. She worshipped me, my body, my heart, my soul, and I felt surrounded by her. I know how sappy it sounds, but it’s true.

I felt her love for me in everything she did, every touch, every move, every word. I was with her, she let me in completely, and I knew I was finally where I belonged. It was awhile before I could talk normally, but when I could, I told her:

“I love you Buffy, with everything I got. You’re all I ever wanted from the first minute I saw you, and I’m yours forever, B.”

“Well I’m yours for a lot longer than that. Better step it up, F.”

That made me smile for real for the first time since she’d shown up, and she reached out to trace a finger around my dimples:

“I just love your smile.”

“Yours isn’t so bad either.”

“Yes, but yours is like a masterpiece. Your whole face just…”

I was already shaking my head. What, is she nuts?

“B, trust me. No way it compares to yours. When you smile, it’s like the…”

“Faith please, your smile is definitely the most beautiful thing I’ve…”

“Hey, it’s our first fight!”

She looked at me like she thought I’d gone senile or something.

“Our ‘first’ fight? Uh…how do you figure that?”

“Well, our first fight since you fucked my brains out.”

She smiled big then, and I won the argument right there as far as I was concerned.

“Gee F, don’t hold anything back. Just say whatever you need to say.”

“Hey, ya did it with love, that’s the main thing.”

Her smile was getting bigger, and she didn’t have a leg to stand on.

“I’m glad to hear you caught that part of it.”

“No way to miss it, B.”

She was laying on top of me, and she shifted like maybe she was gonna move. Uh…no. She was fine right where she was, and I tightened my arms just enough to get the message across.

“Faith?”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t leave California. Would you be willing to…”

“B, think I’m way familiar with your job requirements. I’m done with livin’ here anyway, but it wouldn’t really make any difference. I’d go anywhere with you.”

We kissed for a while. Guess she really digs it when I talk the romantic shit.

“Angel’s covering for me, so we’ve got some time. I don’t want to rush you, I know you probably have a lot of things you need to take care of before you can leave.”

”Sorta, but I’m not really entangled. Lost my job when I went with Red, house is a rental paid through next month. There’s really nobody I need to explain anything to. Guess you could say all the good stuff’s on the West coast.”

“…I’m so sorry for…”

Can you imagine? B thought she needed to keep apologizing to me. Right.

“Shhh…both done stuff to each other. We start with the apologies, they’ll never end. I don’t give a shit about the past, B. I’m just as sorry and way more guilty than you are, but I can’t live in the past anymore. See, I’m all tied up in the present and the future, so I got no time for the past. Fuck it.”

That earned me a little kiss on the chest.

“When did you get so wise?”

“No clue. Probably ‘bout ten minutes ago. I mean, I was screamin’ in another language, so…”

She laughed and kissed my chest again:

“Well thank God one of us has some sense.”

“Jesus B, pretty scary if it’s me.”

“I’m fine with it.”

She meant it too, and that had me feeling pretty fucking good.

We kinda drifted for a few, then outta the blue B piped up:

“Why Minnesota?”

“Just where I landed. Stayed ‘cause it seemed like there was nothing here to remind me of you.”

“…Oh.”

She sounded sad, and I didn’t wanna make her sad. But she’d asked, and I couldn’t lie to her. I was never gonna lie to her.

“There was though, B.”

“Was what?”

“Something that reminded me of you.”

“What do you mean?”

I wrapped my arms a little tighter around her as I tried to figure out how to explain it so she’d understand.

“Ever seen a day so cold and bright it hurts? Cold’s vicious, and the sun’s so bright bouncing offa the snow, it blinds you. It’s so beautiful though, ya can’t help yourself. You keep on sucking in one deep breath after the other, and ya keep right on looking where it’s the brightest. Your lungs are burning, your eyes are stinging, but ya just keep doin’ it ‘cause it’s so amazing, and you’re completely under its spell. It hurts, but no way can ya resist it.”

“…That’s me?”

“Yeah, but there’s still my favorite part.”

“What’s that?”

My hand went up to her hair, and I let it pour through my fingers like liquid gold.

“Well if ya tough it out, the day goes on and all of the sudden, the sun just becomes different. Instead of blinding you, it shows you just how clean and pure and good everything is. There ya are, right in the middle of the coldest cold you’ve ever felt, but then the sun just wraps you up tight in its warmth, and now all ya feel is happy and safe. Always made me think of you.”

“Faith…”

“Never really mattered to me what shit was goin’ down. Sometimes you’d look at me, and all I could feel was that warmth. Made me feel happy and safe, and was always like this precious gift you gave me. I never let one of those moments slip by, not ever. Got’em all right here inside.”

B was way teary as she raised up over me:

“I’m going to give you moments like that every single day from here on out. I love you Faith, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life making you feel warm and safe and happy.”

Then her lips were on mine, and all I can tell ya for sure is that we made love all through the night. Again B was a woman of her word, doing just what she said she was gonna do. Or in this case, she got off to a real good start. Hell, we both got off…to a great start.

Alright then, think that brings it all back around to the end. Hero gets the girl, nobody’s givin’ anybody back, and it all turned out happy. Plus it’s one of them stories that teaches ya an important lesson at the end.

What’s the lesson? Simple: ya gotta have faith. It’s funny for sure, but don’t mean it’s not true too. I got them ten years backing me right the fuck up.

Yep, ten long years, but they finally paid off. Buffy’s in love with me, and all of the shit we went through doesn’t even matter anymore. For all I know, it never really did. I don’t much care because I get to be with her for the rest of my life, and I got absolutely no complaints about that in any fucking way.

Okay, it’s still buggin’ me a little. For real now, think there’s any chance I could really be…Not me at all, is it? Still I came pretty damn close, close as somebody like me’s ever gonna get. Alright fuck it, I’m lettin’ it go. Not like it’s important anyway.

What is important is that The Slayer’s starting to wake up. That means it’s time to finish this so her and me can get going. We got our sights set on seeing a big hole in the ground…besides a Hellmouth.

I don’t get it, but it’s what she wants to see. And me? Well I just wanna see the big smile on her face when we get there.

I got it bad, I know. I’m all wimpy and shit. But how’s that really my fault? I mean, just take a look at how beautiful she really is, then throw in the fact that she’s Buffy. Think it’s obvious anybody’d lose it, ya can’t help it.

So I guess that does it. Wish I had something cool to say, or at least somethin’ smart for the big wrap-up. Not gonna happen though ‘cause I’m just not good with words. There is one thing I am good at though…Okay, make that two things.

I’m good at keeping the faith and the Buffy. Oh c’mon, work with me here. Kinda tough to be witty when ya can’t stop smiling. Plus B’s startin’ to get all frisky, so ya ask me I’m doin’ a bang-up job.

I’m gonna need a couple…Hey, “a couple”, that’s me and B now. Yep, it’s Buffy Summers and Faith…I’m still not sayin’. Anyway, we get to go do the happily ever after part now, and I can’t wait.

It’s pretty cool ‘cause all the best stories end with the whole happily ever after, and I think anybody’d have to say this story’s been shit hot. I mean, how could it be anything else when…Hold it, B’s sayin’ something and she looks kinda serious.

“…and you really are. And smart and funny and loyal and stubborn in all the right ways. I mean, how did I ever get so lucky? You loving me is the biggest miracle of my life. And I know it embarrasses you, but Faith, you really are my hero.”

Hey, did you hear that?! Fucking A, it was me! Faith Lehane-Winters is the goddamn hero! I mean if B says so, well who’d know better than her?

…Yeah alright, so it’s Lehane-Winters. Nuts, I know. Look, can ya just keep it to yourself? I’m askin’ all nice and shit instead of threatening to pound your ass into an early grave, ‘cause that’s what heroes do. They ask first, pound later.

Ah, who am I kiddin’? I don’t have the first clue what they do. Just going by what I think B would do. Damn, it’s already a shitload a pressure, and I haven’t even had to do anything yet.

No way am I cut out for this kinda deal, so fuck it. But I am gonna hang onto the part where B said I was her hero, that I think I can do. But the rest of it? I’m givin’ it right the fuck back.

I start laughing like a crazy person ‘cause yeah, and B wants to know what’s so funny. How can I ever explain to her that I’m just so fucking happy and proud, I can’t even see straight?

“Nothin’, B. I’m just so fucking happy and proud, I can’t even see straight.”

Guess it wasn’t as hard as I thought.

“God, you are just so cute and sweet.”

Then we’re kissing again, and that’s when it hits me.

This is how all the best stories end. The music swells and the hero kisses the girl while the credits…

Hey, fuck that shit. B is mine, and there’s never gonna be a better ending than that. Fade this fucker to black.

THE END